I bent down, the angle awkward, and kissed her, only tracing the seam of her lips with my tongue lightly before raising my head. “That’s the thing. I’ll settle for any part you want to give me. That’s how badly I want every part of you.”
“I don’t want to be broken,” she muttered, her eyes finally losing the battle and fluttering shut.
“You’re not,” I reassured her, stroking her hair from her face, knowing she’d passed out.
It wasn’t clear, but I heard her mumble, “One hundred forty-three days, Jagger…one hundred forty-three days.”
Chapter Eighteen
Paisley
26. Take a road trip.
Christmas Eve—118 days. I finished the bow on Daddy’s present just after lunch and carried the package over to the tree. I stood and admired the tree, watching the way the lights caught in the colorful ornaments.
I loved Christmas, and this year everything about the season seemed to slip by between studying, finals, and spending time with Jagger. Not that we’d crossed over that friends line again. Oh, no.
He’d appeared the morning after my birthday with a giant bottle of water and Tylenol. Then he sat through all the Twilight movies while he studied next to me, only looking up to make sarcastic comments about sparkly beta males.
We’d spent our time studying next to each other, talking, swimming, and spending every available moment together up to a good-night. The last month had been the best and most aggravating of my life. The best, because he was near me at every available opportunity. The most aggravating because the more I wanted him, the more I knew I shouldn’t.
My cell phone buzzed in my back pocket. I thumbed open the screen and smiled.
Jagger: Merry Xmas Eve. Looks like snow here 2night. Jealous?
Me: Insanely. Having fun in Nashville?
Jagger: Kind of. I miss my friend.
Me: Miss you, too. Tell Ember I said hi.
Jagger: Will do, Little Bird.
Me: What are you hoping to get for Christmas?
Jagger: U in a big red bow.
Me: You’re incorrigible.
Jagger: I prefer tenacious, driven, determined.
Me: LOL. Go celebrate.
I sighed, the sound horribly melodramatic, and wondered for the millionth time if I was an idiot for not being with him. My cell phone sounded again, this time with the alarm for my meds, and as I popped those three pills, I was more resolute in my decision.
I had 118 days, and losing a friend? That was recoverable. But losing someone you loved? That would destroy Jagger. My test results had been in for over two weeks. The obstruction was getting worse, but the medications were slowing my heartbeat, keeping me relatively symptom-free. Maybe that was a curse, to feel blissfully unaware as my body fell apart while I was still in it. If I was dying, shouldn’t I feel it?
The dogs barked as the front door opened. “Ah, Will!” Mama announced. What in the world? “I’m so glad you’re here. Lee!” she called out as I rounded the corner into the entry hall. “Look who’s here to see you.”
She whispered in my ear as she passed, “You fix this, Lee. It’s just not right. He’s family.”
I grimaced but didn’t answer her. “Hi there.”
He smiled, but it was reserved. He waited until Mama left and then motioned to the staircase. We both took a seat. “Your mom told me I needed to come over and talk to you.”
“Of course she did. Never could stop meddling.”
“Everything okay?” he asked. “Finals go all right?”
“Yeah, nothing much has changed. Still carrying a four-point-oh. You?”
“I’m good. I think I’ve edged out Bateman on the OML, so I’ve got that going for me.”
I ignored his jab. “You’ve got more than that going for you.”
He squeezed my hand. “Man, do I miss you. Being apart for a month has been awful, but really good for me, too. It gave me time to think.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” I responded honestly.
He cleared his throat. “Okay, so this is awkward as hell, but why aren’t you dating him?”
“Is that really your business?”
He laughed. “Girlfriend or not, you’ve always been my business, Lee. Besides, Peyton made me promise to look after you, and I always will.”
My gaze jerked to his. “What?”
He squeezed my hand. “You were right, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. I love you, but it isn’t the kind of love that either of us need, or deserve.”
“I’ll never be Peyton.”
His amber eyes sparked with a flash of pain. “You’re not Peyton. You’re unique. You. Being with you…I thought I could hold onto her, onto everything we had growing up.”
“You loved her?” I asked, finally needing to know.
He swallowed. “Yeah, I did. But it was never reciprocated. We never dated, or so much as kissed. When she asked me to watch after you, loving you just came naturally. I’ll always love you, Lee. You were just so much faster to realize we weren’t right.”
I leaned my head on his familiar shoulder. “I’m so sorry about how it happened.”
“Me, too, but if it hadn’t happened like that, we’d still be together, and that’s not what’s best for either of us.” His arm came around me. “Now stop avoiding the question. How do you feel about Bateman?”
That was the million-dollar question lately. “I’m…he’s…ugh.”