Everything with Josh was so perfect, and yet so fucked up.
I kissed him once more, gently, drawing onto his lower lip as long as I could, savoring the taste and feel of him against my lips. “I love you so much,” I whispered against his lips. “Thank you for getting me through losing my dad. Thank you for protecting April and loving Gus. Thank you for being exactly what I’ve imagined love would really be like.”
He smiled against my lips, but pulled back startled when my tears flowed against his cheek. “December? Don’t cry.”
I shook my head and stepped out of his arms. The cool air immediately took away the sweet warmth he’d left. “I love you,” I whispered once more.
Denial drew his eyes wide. “Don’t. Don’t do this.”
I cupped his gorgeous face in my hands and smiled through the tears. “Good-bye, Joshua Walker.”
I clutched my messenger bag as I walked away, needing something, anything to feel real. Gravity was gone. I’d just lost the one person who’d been holding me to the earth.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The clock made me nervous. Two minutes left in sudden-death overtime and the Mountain Lions were tied up and down one player. Jagger never could hold his temper. From our seats, Sam and I had a clear view of him across the rink, and he looked pretty pissed.
“He’s hotter when he’s angry,” she noticed with a click of her tongue.
“Seriously?” I laughed her off.
“Defense! Defense!” the crowd yelled as Western State raced toward the goal.
My fingers dug into my vest as they shot and missed. The defenders swept out from behind the net and fired it up to the forwards. “Come on, Josh,” I whispered, afraid to say his name too loudly. Every time I’d heard it in the last three weeks I nearly destroyed the ground I’d gained.
Everything hurt. Breathing moved the lump in my throat. Sleeping on the other side of the wall from him meant I couldn’t sleep. Thinking about him shut me down for hours.
Thank God for the pain; it meant I hadn’t gone numb. It meant I was processing, albeit slowly, but still. I hadn’t vanished into myself. I pushed through the pain and acted as normally as I could with a broken heart. After the first day in class, when I’d only smiled politely at him and focused on Professor Carving, Josh stopped trying to talk to me.
I was thankful. I was devastated.
I knew better than to come tonight, but I couldn’t manage to stay away, not when the game was this important to him. It would be the last hockey game of his collegiate career.
Josh flew toward the Western State goal, passing up the other defenders so he was one-on-one with their goalie. My body coiled in tension. He would do it, he would win his team the league championship here. I knew it as certainly as I knew I missed him.
Deke one. Deke two. My heart stopped as he shot . . . and made it!
The arena jumped to its feet, screaming out his name. “Walker! Walker!” He’d done it: captained the League Championship team, scored the game-winning goal. I couldn’t stop the smile that consumed me any more than I could stop wanting to claim him, to say that amazing man was mine. My heart swelled with pride for what he’d accomplished.
The team cleared the bench, swarming onto the ice. He dodged the melee and instead skated over to where I stood against the glass. There was no victorious smile on his face, just those intense eyes staring out at me from under his helmet. He ripped off his glove and placed his palm to the glass where I stood. Helpless against him, I lifted mine and matched it across the glass. I heard a flash, a snap, but I didn’t care. Everything I had wanted to say to him—my pride and my happiness too—was there for him to see.
I was still in love with him. We both knew it.
A faint smile curved his lips, but it didn’t reach his eyes. They dulled in sadness, resignation.
He pushed backward off the glass, but before he turned to where his team was ready to engulf him, he looked back. He pointed to me, and brought his hand to his heart. Then he was swallowed up by his team, and I begged Sam to take me home.
“You sure you want to miss the party?” she asked as we pulled up to our apartment building. “It’s going to be awesome over at the house.”
I shook my head and stepped out of the car. “Not tonight. I just can’t.” I was too weak. Five minutes alone at the house with Josh and I’d be in his arms.
“Okay, baby girl. Get some sleep.”
“Be safe.” She waited until my key opened the front door and then took off for the after-party.
I dressed in my pajamas and climbed into bed, flipping the light switch off. In the darkness, I ran my fingers across the screen of my phone and got stupid.
Ember: Hey, please don’t reply. I just need you to know how incredibly proud of you I am tonight.
What didn’t I say? That I loved him, that I’d been miserable without him these last three weeks, that he consumed my mind in a way that reminded me of drug addiction and I was going through withdrawals.
Josh: You were in my head the whole game. You’re in my heart every minute I’m awake. I love you December Howard.
That damn lump was back in my throat, and tears threatened. I should have put the phone down. I should have tucked it into the nightstand. But I didn’t, blurry eyes and all.
Ember: I know. And you know that I love you, Joshua Walker.
Josh: I wish that was enough to change your mind.
Ember: Me, too. Night, Josh.
Josh: Night, Ember.