Bill had needed a meek wife who wanted nothing more in life than to devote her attention to his happiness. One who wouldn’t think twice about all of his OCD ways. What he’d gotten instead was her. And although she had spent years trying to please him, in the end, she’d discovered that to make him happy, she’d have to lose herself in the process. Sadly, without Ella having shown her what it was like to love and to be loved in return, she would more than likely still be attempting to be someone that she was not.
She found herself herded into the dining room and seated beside her ex-husband. Her mother generally served what she considered her prize-worthy meat loaf when she was entertaining, and tonight was no exception. She’d always found her mother’s go-to dish dry and bland but had never had the nerve to admit that aloud.
Her mother dominated the conversation throughout the meal, with Bill and her father occasionally contributing. As was the norm, no one bothered to include her, and for once, she was grateful.
She’d been quietly planning her escape when she felt a hand on her arm. She looked up to see Bill studying her. He cleared his throat, swallowing audibly. “Could . . .um . . . I speak to you for a minute?” He seemed to notice at the same time as her that their exchange had her parents engrossed. “Alone,” he added before getting to his feet. She considered his request for a moment before rising as well. She figured she’d have an easier time dealing with him than with her mother. And with any luck, she could make her getaway shortly afterward.
Feeling generous, since he was helping her escape, she smiled, saying, “Sure, how about we take a walk?”
It made her a little uneasy when he brightened as if she’d just handed him an early Christmas present. Maybe she wasn’t the only one looking for an excuse to run tonight. Her mother had probably demanded that he show up for the mandatory dinner as well. Poor Bill—he wasn’t about to say no to Dot Webber either. Apparently, Declan was the only one not intimidated by her. Well—him and Mark. He would be her mother’s nightmare. Like Declan, he’d have no problem calling her on her behavior. She couldn’t fathom how wonderful it would be to have that type of buffer. Ella had it now. Her sister still took a lot of crap from their mother, but Declan stepped in when he felt it was needed.
When they reached the back deck, Bill took her hand, helping her down the steps. They’d been walking through the wooded landscape for a few moments before she realized that he hadn’t released her hand. He’d never been the hand-holding type, so this was foreign to her. She was relieved when he stopped next to a bench that her father liked to use for his bird-watching hobby. She thought it was possibly just an excuse to have some time alone when he was desperate to escape, which she certainly understood. She took a seat, freeing herself from his hold. “It’s really nice out tonight,” she said lamely. Shit, why could she no longer talk to someone with whom she’d once shared a home?
Without answering, he perched next to her, staring off into space. He looked every bit as uncomfortable as she felt. So she really wasn’t surprised when he asked, “What happened to us, Crystal?”
Releasing her breath on a loud sigh, she said quietly, “I don’t know, Bill. I guess it’s inevitable after divorce that things would be awkward between us.”
He raised a hand, pushing it through his hair in a gesture of agitation. She had to fight the urge to smooth down the strands that were now sticking up. It just seemed wrong to see Bill disheveled. She almost fell from her seat in shock when he said, “I know it’s my fault that our marriage failed, and now we can’t even say hello without it being strange.”
“Bill . . . I’m sure they are things that we both could have done differently. But I’ve come to realize that we’re just two people who are far too different to have a successful marriage. That doesn’t mean that either of us was to blame. We just weren’t compatible.”
“But I loved you,” he said without hesitation, “and I still do. I never wanted to let you go. I just didn’t know how to keep you.”
Feeling her throat go tight, she stared at the man she’d once thought she’d spend her life with. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” she said sincerely. At the time, she wasn’t even sure he really cared, but now she could see that she’d been very wrong.
He took her hand in his for the second time that night and absently rubbed her fingers. “You know the type of parents I come from. They’re not very . . . demonstrative, and that’s how I was raised. I knew—especially the last few years of our marriage—that you wanted more from me, but I couldn’t give that to you. I just . . . didn’t know how, Crystal. I felt like a total failure as a man because you were slipping away a little more each day and I was powerless to stop it. You’d look at me, and I could see the unhappiness there. I knew the day that Ella got married that I’d lost you. I watched you up there standing next to her as she took her vows, and I could see that it was over for you. I’m sure no one else noticed it because all eyes were on the bride and groom, but I saw the longing that you couldn’t hide. You wanted what she had. Not Declan, but someone like him. I think, at that point, the part of me that had been holding out hope just gave up. I’m not that guy, and I never will be. After that, I was an ass to you—even more than usual, I know. But it was the only way I could face you leaving. I had to pretend that I didn’t care anymore.”
Letting her head rest against his arm, Crystal murmured, “Oh, Bill . . . why didn’t you say all of this before? I was so lost myself that I would have been thrilled if you’d admitted you felt the same way.”