He smiled and walked over to join the two guys that remained and Winky, giving them all high-fives.
“That’s it for this session,” I announced, checking my watch. Twenty-five minutes to find three guys and one girl. Sweet. “You guys who were told to step out can go. The rest of you, bring it in.”
I moved over to meet them in a huddle, giving them the instructions to talk to Peter at dinner to get their training schedules. They all smiled and nodded, justifiably proud of themselves that they’d made it this far.
I looked around at the group and decided that I’d probably have to go through a second cut tomorrow morning. I was going to end up with a lot more than eight candidates at this rate, and I couldn’t afford to take anything but the best. This was going to be harder than I thought.
I made it through the rest of the day with the seven other sessions, finally able to cut all but eleven guys and three girls. One of the eleven guys was Bodo. I really wanted to be able to cut him too, but he was bound and determined to be a part of the operation. When he both eye gouged and nut hammered his opponent, he’d loudly given credit to his girlfriend and demanded a kiss right then and there. Even the worst dirty-look I could send his way didn’t stop him from insisting on it, right in front of everyone. I had been afraid it would lower their opinion of me as a fighter in their eyes, but it didn’t seem to have that effect at all. It almost made them seem more positive about the whole thing.
Go figure. I’d never been able to read anyone before except in the one way I’d been trained to from the time I was practically a toddler. It was probanly unrealistic for me to expect to be able to do it now.
***
Peter and I spent the evening working our way through the list of candidates that he’d slimmed down to the final group as they arrived at dinner to check in with him as instructed. He set us up to meet the next morning at eight o’clock so I could make the final cut.
The mood at dinner was lively. Most of the ones who hadn’t made it to the final level were offering their services as fighting partners; the few who didn’t were at least laughing along with the conversation. The ones who had been chosen were getting a lot of attention, and all of them seemed to be enjoying it, with the exception of Winky. She just shrugged everyone off and kept mostly to herself.
I went over and sat down next to her, balancing my plate of food over my crossed legs.
“Hey, Winky. What’s up?”
She shrugged. “Nothing.”
“You don’t seem very happy about today.” I felt like I needed to give her an out if she wanted it. “If you don’t want to do this, it’s no biggie. We have plenty of qualified guys to choose from.”
“No, I want to do it,” she said, not looking at me.
“So what’s the problem then? You don’t seem like you’re too excited about it.”
“Well, I guess I’m not. I mean, it’s a good cause, and it needs to be done. And I want to help. But the idea of killing someone? It makes me uncomfortable.”
“Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. And it’s gonna happen. If someone’s coming after you, you’re gonna have to make that choice.” It was time to be brutally honest with her. This trip wasn’t about just self-defense and we all knew it. “Honestly, if we leave those canners there, they’re just going to go get more kids and kill them, too.” I sighed. It wasn’t easy, what we were planning to do. “I know you were raised like I was, to know that killing is wrong. But life isn’t that simple anymore. It’s like, kill or be killed with these guys. They don’t have that human instinct that says life is precious.”
“And that people shouldn’t be eating people,” she said with disgust in her voice.
“Yeah. Exactly. I mean, if we knew that after we took those kids away, they’d go start eating vegetables instead, I’d be all for letting them go on their merry way. But that’s not realistic. They have a taste for it now and they have no … I don’t know … moral brakes anymore.”
She nodded her head. “You’re right. You’re totally right.” She looked up at me, determined. “I’m ready to do this. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the right ones. I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t help.”
“You can help in other ways, you know. Not everyone has to go in and fight.” I said it softly so she wouldn’t think I was challenging her or anything. I really wanted her to make her decision willingly without pressure from me.
“Yeah, I know. I’m fine with this, really. I just needed to get my head in the right place, you know? Talking to you helped.”
“Yeah, I get it. I have to constantly remind myself of my reasons and the stuff that goes on in their compound or whatever. Going to talk to Celia helped me. She’s … damaged. I mean, more than her arm. I don’t know if she’s ever going to come back from that.”
“Yeah,” said Winky, her voice so low I almost didn’t hear it.
We ate in silence for a while before we were joined by Bodo, insisting on a dinner kiss. I acted put-out, but secretly loved it. I needed his goofy, happy presence to lighten the mood for me. Winky smiled at his antics, so maybe it was working for her, too.
“Can we stop kissing now so I can eat?” I asked, pushing him away.
He swayed a little, keeping a hold on his plate and smiling. “Yes. For now. Maybe I will need more for dessert, dough. I will let you know.”
I rolled my eyes, biting into a hunk of meat. I’d stopped asking what I was eating. I didn’t want to waste my time worrying about snakes or gators or any of the other more exotic foods that were making their way into my diet. So long as it wasn’t human and it was keeping me nourished, I was okay with it.
Coli came over to sat down with us, and I took the opportunity to ask her about street clothes.
“Hey, Coli … do you guys have any regular clothes and shoes we could wear when we go out?”
“Why?”
“Because I think it’s better if they don’t know who we are or where we’re from when we go. Someone’s bound to see us, and I’d just prefer they not be able to trace us back here.”
She and Winky both nodded their heads.
“Good point,” said Coli. “I’ll see what I can find. Once you know who’s going, tell me so I can get the right sizes. I’m sure between all of us we can find something.”
“Good.”
“That’s cool,” said Winky, “that you’re thinking about us like that, I mean. Watching out for our whole community the way you are.”
I shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I? I’m a part of it.”
“Yeah, but … whatever. Never mind.” Winky went back to eating her food, obviously not wanting to talk about it anymore.
I didn’t know what she’d been about to say, but I was guessing it had something to do with the fact that I wasn’t technically a part of their tribe or whatever. But it made no difference to me. Family didn’t fit any straight definition now, and I wasn’t even sure it had before the world had gone crazy either. Home is where the heart is, and family were the ones who held your heart safe. So that meant Kahayatle was my home and Bodo and Peter were my family. These other kids were some sort of extension of that, and for now, I was willing to hold the door open for more if they were interested.
***
Peter and Buster went to bed long before Bodo and I made it there. We took a walk after leaving Peter at the hut and stood under the moonlight kissing. At one point we ended up against a big tree, our hands in each others’ pants, messing around like before, except skipping all the dirty stuff in the hair and butt crack parts. It wasn’t the most comfortable way to get all hot and heavy, but until we had a hut of our own, this was the best we could do.
After we’d ridden the hot and sexy, exhilarating roller coaster together again, Bodo held me in his arms. His back was against the tree as he stroked my stomach and chest and nuzzled my neck.
He spoke quietly in my ear. “I want to tell you something, Bryn. It’s a true thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I say it in my own language: Ich liebe dich fur immer.”
My heart stopped beating for a second. I was pretty sure I knew what it meant in English; the sounds were too similar to be anything else. Their roughness combined with their tender meaning made my pulse quicken in more than one way.
“You know, dat means in English dat I luff you for all times. It’s a true thing.”
I didn’t know what to say. It was the first time anyone but my dad had ever said that to me. It scared me, thrilled me, and freaked me out, all at once.
“Bodo … I …”
“No, it’s okay. You don’t haff to say it to me. Dat’s not a problem if dat’s not da truth for you. Da way I feel is not becausse you say dat to me. It’s chust my heart talking to me, so I say it to you.”
When he put it that way, it made it feel less stressful for some reason. I wasn’t sure if I loved him, but I was sure about some things. “I think you’re awesome Bodo. You make me laugh, you make me feel safe, and you’re the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever known. And you’re a decent fighter.”
He kissed the top of my head. “Dat’s a good compliment from you … da fighting part. Do you think your dad would like me? Back before when he was alife?”
“Yeah,” I said, turning and squeezing him to me tightly, trying to keep from crying, “my dad would have loved you a lot.”
“Well dat’s good. Because I know you really respect him and so if he can luff me den so can you someday.”
I smiled. His logic made sense. “I just need more time, I think. To know how I really feel and stuff.” I looked up at him. “I hope that doesn’t make you mad. Or hurt your feelings.”
He frowned at me. “Who me? Dis is Bodo you are speaking to here. I don’t run from da challenches. Dat’s what I like about you, Bryn. You are a ferry difficult woman to know and to convince. I will eventually wear you down, dough. Dat’s a fact for me. You will luff me before my life is over. I will be sure of dat.”
I laughed. He was so goofy and serious at the same time, it was impossible not to smile. “Okay, whatever you say, Mr. Bryn.”
He squeezed me tighter. “Dat’s right. I am Mr. Bryn. And now I say dat you haff to giff me anudder kiss. Right now. Don’t make me wait.”
I reached up onto tiptoes to kiss him and drown a little more in the heat that he so easily brought up into my body, setting me on fire with need.
I couldn’t ever imagine getting enough of him, and that made me both excited and scared at the same time. It seemed like only a dangerous thing in this world, to be so weak and dependent on another person.
***
I woke again the next morning in Bodo’s arms, and this time I also had to contend with his heavy leg that had wrapped itself over me, pinning me down and making me sweat.
Jesus, when winter comes I won’t even need a blanket. I pushed him off with more than a little effort, bumping into and waking Peter in the process. Bodo kept up his gentle snoring after only a few-second pause.
“Ready for the big day?” Peter asked, yawning and scrubbing his face.
“Yeah. As ready as I’ll ever be,” I said, standing and stretching. I was a little sore from yesterday’s activities but probably a lot less sore than I was going to be over the next few days. “Come on, let’s go. Maybe I can get some stretching and yoga in before everyone gets there.”
“Yoga? I didn’t know you did that stuff.”
We walked towards the outhouse together.
“Yeah, sometimes. It’s good for flexibility. I just use it as a way to help me with the krav maga.”