“I don’t . . .”
“What is it you want from me?” he rasps, his voice suddenly broken. “What do you want? Do you want me on my fuckin’ knees?”
He drops to his knees and my heart rips open.
He lifts his hands and clutches his head. “Do you want me to tell you how fuckin’ stupid I am? How I wished it never happened? How I fell in love with a fuckin’ angel and then I destroyed her? Do you want me to beg, Katia? What do you want? Do you want me dead? Will that make your heart feel fucking better?”
“No,” I cry, dropping to my knees in front of him. “No.”
“I deserve a lot, but that . . . that’s my child . . . and I might never get to know her . . .” His voice breaks off and he drops his head. His entire body shakes and I realize he’s crying. The strong, determined, unbreakable Marcus Tandem is crying.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
He says nothing—his head just remains dropped. I reach out, cupping his rugged cheek and he surprises me by turning his face into my hand.
“I can’t take anymore of what you have to give,” he whispers. “You tried to have me fuckin’ killed.”
“I didn’t,” I croak. “I wouldn’t . . . shit, Marcus, I was in a bad way but I wouldn’t have . . . I wouldn’t have done it.”
“You think that makes it better?” he growls, pulling back.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. What can I say? Does it make it better? No, it does not. It does nothing to fix what I’ve done. I became equally as monstrous as Marcus, and because of that, I’m hardly in the place to beg for forgiveness.
“I fucked up,” I whisper. “I reacted on pure, numb emotion. We really have fucked each other, haven’t we?”
He looks at me through pained, brown eyes. Water is dripping down over his face; his hair is flattened to his forehead. He looks devastatingly beautiful.
“Yeah,” he croaks.
“Katia?” It’s my father. I turn and see him standing at the entrance to the hospital.
“Penny is out.”
Marcus flinches and I stand, turning to stare down at him. “Do you want to come?”
He starts shaking his head frantically, then he stands and backs up. “No, fuck, no. I can’t . . . I can’t . . .”
He turns and disappears. I drop my head on a sigh. Then I turn and head back inside. I have a daughter who needs me.
CHAPTER TWENTY
MARCUS
My body is shaking, trembling with a broken emotion I can’t control. My heart is fucking aching; it burns. I have a daughter. A child. A piece of me. I didn’t know about it; I had no clue. Now, everything has changed. Not only do I have a wife who I hate to love, but a daughter who needs a decent man in her life.
That man is not I.
It can’t be. I’m a monster.
I fall against my car and drive my fist into it, over and over. Fuck. When did my life become such a fucking mess? Something hot burns beneath my eyelids and weakness attempts to crawl up through my body. I slam my hands down again. A daughter. A fucking daughter. God damn it.
“Marcus.”
The sound of Pierre’s voice has me lifting my head. I turn and stare at him. He’s got an umbrella, the fancy fuck. He stares at me, then gives me a pitiful shake of his head. Yeah, I’m a mess. I know I am. What the fuck did he think I was going to be doing? Dancing and singing in the rain?
“What do you want?” I growl.
“I don’t pretend to understand this situation between you and my daughter. I know it’s messy. I know it borderlines violent. I know there’s no way I’ll understand. What I am clear of is that there is a little girl inside that needs both her parents. I can’t make you go in there, Marcus. All I can tell you is that if you don’t, you’re going to miss the most precious thing ever presented to you. I missed Katia’s life, but it didn’t hurt until I met her because I didn’t know she existed. You know about that little girl, so if you walk now, it’ll haunt you.”
“I’m not good for her,” I rasp. “Don’t you see that?”
“I never said you were good for her,” he says, tilting his head to the side. “I simply said if you don’t at least try, you will regret it. No one is perfect, Marcus.”
“I fucked up your daughter and left her. I destroyed her to the point she actually wanted to take my life.” I laugh bitterly. “Now you’re telling me to enter the life of an innocent, sweet child?”
“Do you love Katia?”
I flinch.
“Well?”
“Yes,” I growl.
“Then you go in there and you try to fix what’s been broken. You’re a good man, Marcus, regardless of what you’ve done. I don’t agree with it, but I do believe you can fix it.”
“And if I can’t fix it?”
He stares me dead in the eye. “Then at least you can hold your head high and say you tried.”
He turns and walks away, leaving me speechless.
Old bastard knows what he’s talking about.
~*~*~*~
MARCUS
My legs feel numb as I walk down the hospital hallways. The stark white burns my eyes, making me feel as though I’m trapped in a bland prison. The beeping of machines mixed with the sounds of shoes squeaking are the only sounds to let me know I’m not alone.
Two-twenty-two.
Two-twenty-two.