I shrug. “I’ve lived so long just doing as I needed to survive, I’ve never really had a chance to discover who ‘Jess-slash-Blair’ really is.”
“How many people have seen this side to you?”
“That would be . . . one. You.”
He turns to me, raising his brows. “Why?”
“I just told you why. When Hendrix first saved me, I was all kinds of fucked up. He helped me channel that until it got easier. Then I resigned myself to the fact that my life would forever be on that ship. I’d never love, I’d never marry, I’d never have kids. I just was. I kept to myself and I was thankful every day that he helped me survive. I wasn’t afraid of you, despite your best attempts. And they were good attempts, by the way.”
He smiles.
Oh God. He smiled.
My heart melts and my belly turns to a mass of liquid mess.
I force myself to keep talking, though my voice is wobbly. “I guess this is what’s underneath it all. Underneath the broken girl and the girl who resigned herself to a life on the ship. I guess, really, when all the skin is stripped back, this is Blair. Jess is quiet, Jess does as she’s told, Jess is broken and is too damned scared to let herself feel. Blair, she’s different. She’s the beauty before the pain. She’s the witty, funny girl that I have no doubt I would have grown to be if given the chance.”
“You’re Blair,” he says, his voice deep and throaty. “The girl I see, she’s Blair.”
I smile at him, the first real smile I’ve given for so many years I can’t count.
“And who are you, Dimitri?”
He turns and stares at me, his eyes hard. “I’m Dimitri.”
“Okay, I will rephrase. Who is this?” I point to his chest. “Right here, right now.”
He looks away. “We need to find somewhere to sleep.”
“Are you always going to avoid my questions?”
He shrugs. “I don’t have to answer them.”
“No,” I mutter. “I suppose you don’t. Fine, have it your way. Where can we sleep?”
He looks around and it’s slowly beginning to get dark. He points to a small overhanging rock. “That’ll have to do.”
I help him up and we walk over. There’s just enough room under the rock for one body. Nice.
“You sleep under it, I’ll be fine just leaning against it,” he says.
“Whatever you want.”
We both sit down under it for now and stare out at the sun setting.
“It’s a beautiful island.”
“It’s my peace,” he admits.
“I can see why.”
“I have a question for Jess . . .”
I turn to him. “She’s listening.”
He hesitates for a moment.
“What happens under this rock stays under this rock, Dimi.”
He shoots me a look. “Why did you call me that?”
“I think it’s who you are now. Dimi. Your Dimitri is like my Blair. Very few see the real you. So, you’re just like my Jess right now. Dimi is the other side of you, the side you’ve created for yourself.”
He shakes his head, not bothering to argue. “Was there ever a time you wanted to make him pay?”
I turn to him, meeting his gaze. “I did make him pay, Dimi. I killed him.”
He tilts his head. “Was it worth it in the end? Was it what healed you?”
“I’m not healed,” I say, turning away. “I’m surviving. There’s a massive difference. Each night I sleep, I still see his disfigured body. The years don’t take that away, they only blur it. It’s like a TV you can hear but can’t see. But to answer your question, no, it wasn’t worth it in the end.”
“Why not?”
I shake my head, swallowing. “Because it made me a murderer. It made me into something I don’t like living with. It changed me from a victim to someone who became exactly the same. I took a life. Justified or not, it wasn’t my life to take. So no, it wasn’t worth it. Did I want him to suffer? Yes. But a life is a life all the same, and taking one hurts no matter the reason you take it.”
He’s silent for a long while. When I turn to look at him, he’s staring at the setting sun. A cool breeze comes in, tickling my face and making me shiver.
“It’s going to be a cold night and you’re wearing half a dress,” Dimitri finally says. “Take my shirt.”
“You’ll freeze. It might be half a dress but at least the top half is long.”
I stare down at the cream and brown dress I’m wearing. I’m thankful right now it’s got long sleeves.
“Jess, don’t argue.”
I raise my brows at him. “You’ll freeze. We’ll be fine. I’m fine.”
He shakes his head. “Women.”
“That wasn’t very nice.”
He doesn’t answer me and we sit in silence as the sun goes down.
I won’t admit I’m kind of happy to feel him so close to me.
But I’m also scared—God only knows what’s out here at night.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Jess
It’s freezing.
No, that doesn’t even cover it. The word freezing just doesn’t do it.
My teeth are clattering together and my entire body is shaking so hard I feel as though I’m convulsing. I can feel Dimitri beside me¸ but not close enough that I have the privilege of gathering body heat.