‘Hello,’ said Issy.
Chapter Twenty
Vanilla Cupcake, Courtesy of the Caked Crusader
For the cupcakes
125g unsalted butter, at room temperature
125g caster sugar
2 large eggs, at room temperature
125g self-raising flour, sifted i.e. passed through a sieve
2 tsp vanilla extract (N.B. ‘extract’, not ‘essence’. Extract is natural whereas essence contains chemicals and is nasty)
2 tbsp milk (you can use whole milk or semi-skimmed but not skimmed, as it tastes horrible)
For the buttercream
125g unsalted butter, at room temperature
250g icing sugar, sifted i.e. passed through a sieve
1 tsp vanilla extract
Splash of milk – by which I mean, start with a tablespoon, beat that in, see if the buttercream is the texture you want, if it isn’t add a further tablespoon etc.
How to make
Preheat the oven to 190°C/fan oven 170°C/gas mark 5.
Line a cupcake pan with paper cases. This recipe will make 12 cupcakes.
Beat the butter and sugar together until they are smooth, fluffy and pale. This will take several minutes even with soft butter. Don’t skimp on this stage, as this is where you get air into the mix. How you choose to beat the ingredients is up to you. When I started baking I used a wooden spoon, then I got handheld electric beaters and now I use a stand mixer. They will all yield the same result, however, if you use the wooden spoon, you will get a rather splendid upper arm workout … who said cake was unhealthy?
Add the eggs, flour, vanilla and milk and beat until smooth. Some recipes require you to add all these ingredients separately but, for this recipe, you don’t have to worry about that. You are looking for what’s called ‘dropping consistency’; this means that when you take a spoonful of mixture and gently tap the spoon, the mixture will drop off. If the mixture doesn’t drop off the spoon, mix it some more. If it still won’t drop, add a further tablespoon of milk.
Spoon into the paper cases. There is no need to level the batter, as the heat of the oven will do this for you. Place the tray in the upper half of the oven. Do not open the oven door until the cakes have baked for twelve minutes, then check them by inserting a skewer (if you don’t have one, use a wooden cocktail stick) into the centre of the sponges – if it comes out clean, the cakes are ready and you can remove them from the oven. If raw batter comes out on the skewer, pop them back in the oven and give them a couple more minutes. Cupcakes, being small, can switch from underdone to overdone quickly so don’t get distracted! Don’t worry if your cakes take longer than a recipe states – ovens vary.
As soon as the cupcakes come out of the oven, tip them out of the tin on to a wire rack. If you leave them in the tin they will carry on cooking (the tin is very hot) and the paper cases may start to pull away from the sponge, which looks ugly. Once on the wire rack they will cool quickly – about thirty minutes.
Now make the buttercream: beat the butter in a bowl, on its own, until very soft. It will start to look almost like whipped cream. It is this stage in the process that makes your buttercream light and delicious.
Add the icing sugar and beat until light and fluffy. Go gently at first otherwise the icing sugar will cloud up and coat you and your kitchen with white dust! Keep mixing until the butter and sugar are combined and smooth; the best test for this is to place a small amount of the icing on your tongue and press it up against the roof of your mouth. If it feels gritty, it needs more beating. If it’s smooth, you can move on to the next step.
Beat in the vanilla and milk. If the buttercream isn’t as soft as you would like, then add a tiny bit more milk but be careful – you don’t want to make the buttercream sloppy.
Either spread or pipe over the cupcakes. Spreading is easier and requires no additional equipment. However, if you want your cupcakes to look fancy it might be worth buying an icing bag and star-shaped nozzle. You can get disposable icing bags, which cut down on washing-up.
Add any additional decoration you desire – this is where you can be creative. In the past I have used sugar flowers, hundreds and thousands, Maltesers, edible glitter, sprinkles, nuts, crumbled Flake … the options are endless.
Bask in glory at the wonderful thing you have made.
Eat.
It was amazing, the capacity for human sympathy, thought Issy. She would honestly not believe that she could sit here and listen to another human being pour out how unfair it was that Issy’s boyfriend wouldn’t get off with them.
‘You’d met me,’ she said finally. ‘You knew I existed.’
Kelly-Lee kept weeping, big tears pouring off the end of her perfect retroussé nose. ‘But you’re foreign,’ she said. ‘So I figured it didn’t really matter, know what I mean?’
‘No,’ said Issy.
‘You’re from Eurp! Everyone knows everyone has six girlfriends over there.’
‘Does everyone know that?’
‘Oh yeah,’ said Kelly-Lee. ‘And you have no idea how hard it is. Now I’m going to lose my job …’
‘For trying to pull someone?’ said Issy. ‘Cor, your boss is miles tougher than me.’
‘No … apparently my cupcakes are no good.’
‘They are no good,’ agreed Issy. ‘They’re terrible, in fact.’
‘Well, they drop off half, then I’m meant to practise making them fresh, but I never really bothered.’
Issy rolled her eyes.
Kelly-Lee blinked at her. ‘Does he really, really love you?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Issy, truthfully.
‘Maybe when I’m as old as you I’ll know what real love feels like,’ said Kelly-Lee, starting to weep again.
‘Yes, yes, maybe,’ said Issy. ‘Show me your kitchen?’
Kelly-Lee showed it to her. The oven wasn’t even warm, but the place was amazingly well equipped.
‘Look at all this space!’ said Issy. ‘I work in a bunker! You have windows and everything.’
Kelly-Lee looked around dully. ‘Whatever.’
Issy looked in the enormous, state-of-the-art vacuum fridge. ‘Wow. I would love one of these.’
‘You don’t have a fridge?’
Issy ignored her, and took out a dozen eggs and some butter. She sniffed at it. ‘This butter is very average,’ she said. ‘It’s a bad start. But it will do.’ She added milk, then went to the large flour and sugar vats, and started pulling on an apron. Kelly-Lee regarded her in confusion.