“Oh, did I hurt you?” she let go of my hair with so much force I stumbled backward. “Did I hurt you Ivy? God, you’re so pathetically fragile,” she waved her arms around as if to demonstrate the whole of me. My heart constricted into a tight ball in my chest. This wasn’t the first time she made this speech, nor would it be the last. Still, the wounds were always fresh, always just as painful. And the worst part about everything she was saying, was that it was all true. “Do you know what I was doing at your age, Ivy? Do you have any clue? I wasn’t running off for six months of spa treatments, that’s for goddamn sure. I had my priorities straight. I believed in my future. I was loyal. I have no idea how you are even my child. I was Nix’s choice too once, his trophy. I’ve been where you have, but the difference between me and you is that I treated my responsibilities with respect. I became the person I was supposed to be. I embraced my destiny. I need to get your sister back, she will know better. She will be better.”
Angry tears pricked at my eyes, hot and ready to spill over. “This? This is who you were supposed to be?” I gestured at her with my hands now, at her black silk pants, and lavender halter top, at her outrageously expensive shoes, to her Cartier necklace and earrings. “I don’t want your destiny; I don’t want your responsibility. It’s so sick and disgusting that I can’t even stomach what you do. And I hope to God, Honor never comes here, never has to live through what I’ve lived through. I hope she never sees what kind of monster you really are.” The words were out before I could stop them. Our faces registered the shock at the same time. And while I stood there staring at her dumbfounded, she recovered first by slapping me across the face.
The sound of her palm hitting my face resounded loudly between us. My mouth kind of hung open stupidly, while the tears finally slipped out the corners of my eyes to my cheeks and then dripped carelessly off my chin. I brought a shaking hand up to my face and held it gently against the still stinging skin.
“Don’t ever speak like that to me again,” she growled in a hoarse voice. “How dare you.”
I closed my mouth with a clap of teeth hitting teeth, but I refused to apologize. This might be the dumbest thing I had ever done, but I wasn’t going to apologize.
“Go to your room,” she snarled viciously at me. “I’m calling Nix. I’m sure he will be so happy to hear how his therapy worked out for you.”
My chin trembled as her words hit me, the full realization of what I’d done finally settling over me. Damn it. So much for keeping my head down and just getting through this.
“You think you are so much better than me? So much better than everyone else! I will make damned sure that this is a lesson you learn from Nix. He can show you your place because I have no more patience for you.” She didn’t even look like herself. Her eyes were crazed and psychotic, her face screwed up with rage. In the motion it took her to slap me her hair became wild and out of place, her shirt a little off center and her eye liner smudged in the corner. She was a mess and suddenly unwanted pangs of sympathy flooded my veins like ice. I didn’t think I was better than her; I just wanted a better life. “Go to your room, Ivy. I’ll call for you if I need you.”
I didn’t say anything; I just turned on my heel and obeyed. Once the door was closed and locked behind me I collapsed on my bed in a heap of despair. The tears didn’t stop for a long time, they fell in relentless puddles mixed with snot and more emotions than I knew what to do with. Eventually I fell asleep with my mother’s threats and accusations rolling around in my head.
And Ryder’s.
And when I finally fell asleep it was only to dream of a troubled teen that couldn’t escape the ugly role life had dealt her. She never escaped. She never knew another life than slavery and submission.
Worst of all she never knew love. Not from her family, not from a man.
And not from herself.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The next morning was a blur of emotional dysfunction. I didn’t want to stay home where my mother was lurking, but school seemed like not the answer. Still, I went.
Even though I knew I could still sit with Chase and his friends, it seemed like such a heartless thing to do. I didn’t mind remaining friends with Chase, and I apparently couldn’t get rid of Ryder and Phoenix, but the day after we ended it, seemed a little sudden to flaunt that in his face.
So after a morning of mindless classes I found myself wandering around the band room. I used to come here a lot, before Sam. Well, and during Sam. There are never any classes over the lunch period in this wing of the building, so it’s nice and quiet. But there is a hallway off the tiered band room filled with practice rooms and those are occupied a lot over lunch.
I love the muffled sounds of all the different instruments colliding in the hallway. The sounds individually could be beautiful, or strained or awful, but together, in the hallway they were complete chaos. It’s how I pictured the definition of “cacophony.” Not that I said that word often, but still, this hall was what a cacophony of sound…. sounded like.
But today everything was silent and still. I was alone. Which seemed fitting, since in my head I was anything but alone.
I walked all the way to the end of the hallway where it ran into a brick wall and entered the last small practice room without a sound. There was a piano set up on the far wall, and one extra chair besides the piano bench with a metal music stand in front of it.
I contemplated calling Exie or Sloane and opening up about how unhinged my mom was, but they had their own maternal problems. Besides I wasn’t really sure what to do with it all. She had never been the most in-touch mom, especially lately. But she had never hit me before.
I shivered in the damp room and let the silence wash over me. It was so loud, so deafeningly quiet that my ears rushed with the absence of sound and my skin felt physically oppressed by it.
Suddenly I couldn’t take it anymore, the soundlessness, the thoughts in my head, none of it. I yanked the piano bench back and slammed my body down. My fingers were flying up and down the keyboard before I could catch my breath.
Loud, pounding melodies that were meant to be sweet and slow, or fast, feverish classical pieces that I butchered until they were unrecognizable even to my ears. I pushed my fingers into aching numbness. My back stiff and my neck pained. Still I ferociously attacked the piano until I was sweating and exhausted.
Finally, out of breath, I slumped back and dropped my hands to my lap.
“Frustrated?” a gravelly voice came from behind me.
I screamed in response, completely surprised. I whirled around on the bench, the smooth wood making it easy to spin around and face Ryder.
“What are you doing here?” I gasped. My heart still beat frantically in my chest and my hands flew to my hair which I knew was disheveled and frizzy.
“Looking for you,” he said simply. His eyes swept over me with something hidden in them. He made me nervous. There was something different about him today, even from last night. Something I couldn’t place. Like he was lighter today, weighed less or something. But not in pounds… like he wasn’t tied down to gravity today, like he would just float away at any given moment.
And at the same time he was more intense, more…. intent with me.
“So you had to scare the bejeezus out of me?” I demanded. I slipped my hands under my thighs and rocked forward so that my hair covered my flushed face.
“I didn’t mean to scare you, Ivy,” he said patiently. “Sorry. It’s not like I snuck up on you or anything, you were just making a lot of noise.”
I laughed a little hysterically. And then it turned into more laughter. Good grief, maybe I was the one that was unhinged.
Ryder walked over to me and held out his hands. I retrieved mine from under my thighs and slipped them into his and let him pull me up. We were just inches apart when I was standing, our bodies so close together I could feel the heat from his chest and then his minty breath fan over my hairline.
“Someone’s here to see you. They’re in the office,” he explained.