I did.
Moving on past the fact that the Queen could and most likely would come back wasn’t going to be easy. But I couldn’t live in fear. A healthy amount of dread was one thing, but we . . .
We really didn’t fail last night.
I opened my eyes. “When she does come back, we’re going to be ready to kill that bitch.”
Ren grinned. “It’s so hot when you talk about killing evil fae.”
A laugh escaped me, and for the first time in a long time, I let myself really look ahead. I practically had an entire life ahead of me—an entire life with Ren. Of course, we still had our duty. Either of us could die on our next patrol, but with the help of the Summer Court, it wasn’t just the Order anymore.
We could have a future.
It may be rough from time to time. Even though I hadn’t had a craving since we left California, I knew that it could come back, but if it did, I would deal with it. We had a future—one I wanted to start right now—a hopeful, bright future.
I lifted my chin, and without words, Ren obliged what I was silently seeking. Ren kissed me, and it was deep and consuming and beautiful in all the ways that brought tears to my eyes. Everything Ren felt for me was in that kiss, in every kiss, and when he pulled the blanket out from between us, he slipped over me and slid inside me.
The way our bodies joined was nothing like the night before when we returned to Ren’s place and immediately raced to the shower, washing off all of the blood. That had been fast and hard, as if it had been the only way to prove that we were still alive—that at the end of it all, we still had each other. This was different. Ren moved painstakingly slow, like it had been the first time for us.
Ren’s mouth never left mine. Not as we moved together, our hips pushing and pulling apart. Not once as his hands stayed wrapped around mine, holding them down on either side of my head. Not even as I curled my legs around his waist, taking him as far as we could go. We kissed as if we were drinking from one another, taking sips and then gulping.
There was no room for words. No space left for them as the pace of our hips picked up. There were only soft moans and deeper groans in the brief seconds our mouths were parted. Sweat dampened our bodies, glistened on our skin. Every muscle in my body seemed to tighten and unclench in never-ending waves.
This was . . . this was making love—sweet and steady and soul-scorching. The way he dragged out every kiss, every thrust, absolutely destroyed me in the best possible ways. I never felt closer to Ren, more in love than I did right then.
Ren broke the kiss when he came, speaking my name against my lips in this deep, guttural way that curled my toes and sent me tumbling over the edge into bliss. Tight shivers washed over me. The release flowing throughout my body blew nearly every thought out of my mind, leaving room only for the rolling pleasure.
When it was all over, only when our hearts began to finally slow and I lay curled in his arms, my cheek resting on his chest, did either of us speak.
“What do we do now?” Ren asked as his hand trailed lazily up and down my spine.
That was a loaded question because I knew he wasn’t asking about what we were going to do after having mind-blowing sex. He was thinking bigger, long-term. “I don’t know,” I said after a moment. “I think . . . I think I would want to go back to school.”
“Yeah?” His fingers tangled in my hair before slipping free.
I took a shallow breath. “I’ve missed spring registration, but I could start in the summer or the fall.”
“I think that’s a good idea.”
Excitement blossomed in the center of my chest, unfurling like a rose blooming for the first time. I looked different, but not enough that the mortals would really notice anything. I could easily be in the public. No biggie. “I really would like that.”
“I can come visit you on campus,” he suggested. “You know, just to be distracting.”
“That’s really helpful.”
“I try to be.”
Grinning, I trailed my fingers over the taut planes of his stomach. “What about you?”
He didn’t even take a second to answer. “Whatever you want to do, where you want to be, that’s what I’ll do—that’s where I’ll be.”
“Really?” I lifted my chin so I could see his face.
“Really,” he repeated. “I thought maybe we could take a vacation, though. I think we earned it.”
There was no stopping the smile racing across my face. “A vacation would be awesome.”
Those beautiful green eyes were bright. “Where do you want to go?”
“Somewhere cold,” I answered immediately. “Somewhere where there will be snow and we can make snowmen and drink hot chocolate and . . . have sex in front of a crackling fireplace.”
“I think I know of a few good places back home,” he replied. “And I am really loving your idea of a vacation.”
“It was the sex part, wasn’t it?”
“Possibly.”
I laughed as I settled back down against him. As I lay there, surprise filled me as the realization hit me that there was going to be tomorrow, a week, a month, years to fill up. For some reason, it hadn’t struck me until this very moment that we were going to have a real future, barring we didn’t get, you know, killed on the job or run over by a speeding trolley. “I guess we really can do that now?”
“Do what?”
“Plan. We can really plan.” I bit down on my lip. “For a while there, I really didn’t think there was going to be a future. You know? I just kind of stopped thinking about . . . tomorrow.”
Ren’s hand stilled for a beat and then started moving again. He fell quiet.
“What?” I lifted my head, meeting his gaze.
“You wanted me to let go.”
“Ren—”
“You wanted me to let go and if I had you would’ve been gone.”
“I didn’t want you to be dragged into the Otherworld with me, Ren. You’re angry about that?”
An incredulous look filled his green eyes. “There’s a part of me that’s pissed about that. Probably going to be a part of me pissed off that you were willing to throw your life away—”
“I wasn’t willing to throw my life away.” I sat up. “It happened so fast, and I realized that you were going to get sucked in, and I—”
“To save me. I know. I understand that.” His hand fell to my bare hip. “That doesn’t mean I have to like it.” His gaze dropped. “But I like this right now.”
I rolled my eyes. “Stop checking out my breasts.”
He arched a brow as he slowly moved his gaze to mine. “Are you seriously telling me not to do that? Do you even know me?”
A reluctant laugh escaped me.
“They’re too distracting, Ivy.” He brushed his fingers over one breast, causing me to suck in a sharp breath. “They’re beautiful and they look so lonely right now. Beautiful breasts should never be lonely.”
I smacked his hand away.
A playful grin filled out his lush mouth and then faded away as if it had never been there. His hand fell to his chest, to rest above his heart. “The idea of losing you scares the shit out of me, Ivy. That shock and anger I felt—the shock and anger I still feel and probably always will to some extent was fueled by the terror of knowing you could’ve been trapped over there, with the Queen and God knows what.”
A shudder worked its way through me. The mere thought of being trapped in the Otherworld with the Queen, even a severely wounded Queen, was horrifying because I knew from experience what that would’ve entailed.
It wouldn’t have been pretty.
“We’ve been through a lot,” I whispered. “We both have a lot to deal with.”
“Yeah. We do.”
And I knew that for years to come I’d still have nightmares. Maybe I would until the day I died. I’d still wake from sleep, full of panic that I was back there, with a chain around my neck, or that I was seconds away from being trapped in the Otherworld. Like grief, that kind of terror wasn’t going to go away easily.
I swallowed against the sudden knot in my throat, and he folded one arm behind his head as he stared up at me. “I want you to know I’m not holding that against you. It’s not like that. For real.”