Logan hated himself because he'd been scared that day. Spartans were the best fighters, the toughest warriors. They weren't supposed to be scared or run away from a battle-ever.
Logan's self-loathing poured into me, making me feel sick to my stomach. Guilt, shame, disgust, fear. The Spartan felt all of those things because he'd run away and hidden in a closet instead of fighting the Reapers like his mom and sister had, like he was training to, like he wanted to. Part of him felt things would have been better if he'd at least tried to protect his family, even if he would have died along with them.
"Do you see?" Logan whispered. "Do you finally see what a coward I was? How I let my family die just to save myself?"
I shook my head and stepped back. His hands fell away from my face, breaking our connection. "You're not a coward. You were five years old when it happened. If you'd tried to fight them, they would have killed you, too, Logan. You have to know that. Your mom knew it. That's why she yelled at you and your sister to hide. She wanted you to be safe, even if it meant your leaving her behind. No doubt your sister felt the same way, that she had to help your mom protect you."
The Spartan gave me a sad smile. "Maybe that's true, but that's not how it feels to me. I feel like I let them down, like I let myself down. On that day, I vowed that I'd become the very best fighter I could be so I could protect other people. So I could stop the Reapers from killing someone else's family and the people I care about. The people I love."
The words hung in the air between us, seeming to drift up and down on the wind, along with the crystalline snowflakes. My heart soared at the Spartan's words, breaking free of my chest and swirling up into the sky. Logan cared about me just as much as I did him. He loved me just as much as I did him. For a moment, everything was bright and beautiful and perfect.
Then I realized that I didn't deserve Logan's love-not anymore.
Logan looked at me with such hope in his eyes, such intense longing. It took all the strength I had to turn away from him and shut out the happiness I felt at his confession.
The Spartan sighed. "I thought that's what you had realized when you told me you'd seen me standing over my mom and sister. That you'd seen just what a coward I really was. What you think about me matters-it matters a lot. That's why I was so upset that night in the library. That's why I said all those horrible things to you. Do you think you can forgive me, Gypsy girl?"
"There's nothing to forgive," I said. "I don't think you're a coward, Logan. I think you're one of the strongest, bravest people I know."
The Spartan put his arms around me, and I felt his breath kiss my cheek. But even that wasn't enough to drive away the cold that had seized my body, especially when I realized that his hands were perilously close to touching mine again. The image of Preston's dead face filled my mind, and my chest tightened with panic.
"Let go of me," I said. "Let go!"
Logan immediately dropped his arms and stepped back. "What's wrong? What did I do?"
I shook my head, trying to slow the rapid, painful beat of my heart. "Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong. It's me. It's always been me and my stupid psychometry magic."
The Spartan frowned, confusion filling his eyes. He didn't understand, and I didn't know how to explain that I was scared of hurting him just like I had Preston. Logan would insist that it wasn't possible, but the Spartan hadn't seen what I'd done to Preston; he hadn't felt Preston's panic and fear like I had. He didn't know that I'd ignored Preston's fear, and worse, that part of me had actually liked the way it had felt, that part of me had actually enjoyed the power I had over the other boy in that moment. Logan just didn't realize what I was capable of, and I never wanted him to find out.
Maybe that made me the real coward with my own secret to hide now.
"I'm sorry, Logan," I finally said. "Just-leave me alone. Please?"
I turned and ran back into the house before he could reach for me again.
Soon after that, everyone left to go back to the academy. I wanted to stay with Grandma Frost, but Metis insisted that I return to the academy, too, until she and the other members of the Pantheon could figure out how Loki's escape was going to affect us all.
"It's the safest place right now for you, Gwen," Metis said in a gentle voice. "Don't worry. I've arranged for some members of the Pantheon to come here and guard Geraldine."
So I went, even though I didn't really want to. I was back on campus by three o'clock. I stood outside the door that led to my dorm room, thinking how normal it looked, how normal everything looked. I wondered if I would ever feel normal again, if I would ever feel safe or happy again. The door was open, probably from where Nott had left my room to come find me. My heart ached at the thought of the wolf. I wondered if it would ever quit hurting, if I would ever quit hurting over everything that had happened.
"Gwen?" Daphne asked. "Do you want me to stay with you?"
The Valkyrie's words penetrated my daze. Daphne had walked up to my room with me, even though I'd insisted that I could make it by myself.
I shook my head. "I just need to be alone right now. Okay?"
Daphne didn't like it, but she nodded and bit her lip. My friend carefully put her arms around me and gave me a hug, just like the others had done. They'd all hugged or touched me before we'd left Grandma Frost's house, as if that would convince me I wasn't a threat to them. But nothing would do that-not now.
Daphne tried to be gentle with her hug, but her great Valkyrie strength still cracked my back. I stood absolutely still, careful not to let any part of my bare skin touch hers. Finally, she dropped her arms and stepped back.
"Call me later, okay?" Daphne asked in a worried voice.
I nodded, although I had no intention of doing that. I had no intention of doing anything. What was the point? I'd made such a mess of everything. Loki was free, and soon, he and his Reapers of Chaos would take over the world and kill and enslave the rest of us. What was the point in trying anymore?
I'd never felt so miserable in my entire life, and I knew I deserved to. This was my fault-all my fault. If only I'd realized what Vivian was up to, if I'd just left the dagger hidden where it was, it would have been safe, and Loki would still be trapped in his prison. Instead, I'd unleashed the evil god on the entire world. I wasn't Gwen Frost, that Gypsy girl who saw things. Not anymore. Now, I was just Gwen Frost, epic, epic failure.
Daphne left, and I stepped into my room and slung my messenger bag down on the floor. For the second time this week, Metis had brought the bag to Grandma Frost's house. I reached into the bag and drew out Vic, who was still sheathed in his black leather scabbard. I'd never even had a chance to use him against Vivian and the other Reapers. Some warrior whiz kid I was.
Vic's eye snapped open, and he regarded me for several long seconds. "It's not your fault, Gwen. None of this is your fault. Even Champions are not infallible."
Even Vic was being nice to me, which let me know just how royally I'd screwed up.
"Thanks, Vic," I mumbled and hung the sword on his spot on the wall.
The sword kept looking at me, and I flopped down onto the bed to avoid his steady stare. Loki, Vivian, Preston, Nott, Logan. All the images from the last day swirled through my mind, adding to my guilt. I don't know how long I would have lain there staring up at the pointed ceiling if a soft, familiar whimper hadn't caught my attention.
"Nott?" I whispered, sitting up.
The room was empty.
Then, I remembered. Nott was gone, and I'd seen the wolf die, held her in my arms while it happened. It was just my imagination, just my Gypsy gift playing a cruel, cruel trick on me. I started to lie back down on the bed when the whimper sounded again.
I looked around the room again and noticed something moving in the pile of blankets that Nott had been sleeping on. It looked small, but I still grabbed Vic. Then, I tiptoed over to the blankets, leaned down, and carefully pulled one of them back.
A newborn wolf pup whimpered up at me.
My mouth dropped open, and all I could do was just stand there and stare at it. How-why-when-My jumbled thoughts didn't make any sense, but the answer finally came to me.
"Nott," I whispered.
The wolf must have had her pup while I'd been kidnapped. Then, somehow, someway, she'd sensed that something was wrong and had come after me. Grandma Frost had said the wolf and I had some kind of connection, but I'd never expected this.
In my hand, Vic's eye narrowed as he peered down at the wolf.
"Great," the sword muttered. "Just bloody great. Now, there's another one of them."
"Shut up, Vic," I said, putting the sword down and going back over to the pup.
The wolf pup had fuzzy, ash-gray fur and looked like it weighed maybe two pounds. Since I didn't know what else to do, I tentatively stretched my hand out toward it. I didn't know if it could smell me or not, if it had any idea who I was or what had happened to its mom, but the pup nestled its head under my hand and licked my fingers. All sorts of feelings flashed through my mind. The pup was confused and scared and hungry.
They were some of the most beautiful emotions I'd ever felt.
The feelings smashed at the cold, hard shell that had coated my heart ever since Nott had died, cracking it wide open. A smile spread across my face, and tears streamed down my cheeks. I wrapped the pup back up in the blanket, then fumbled for my phone. I was too excited to text, so I hit the number on my speed dial. She picked up on the second ring.
"Hello?"
"Grandma!" I shrieked. "You'll never guess what's happened!"
"Pumpkin?" Grandma Frost asked. "Are you okay? What's going on?"
I started to answer her, but that's when the wolf pup opened its eyes for the briefest second, for the barest moment of time. What I saw took my breath away and made me wonder if I was dreaming. The phone slipped from my fingers and thumped to the floor.
"Gwen? Gwen!" Grandma's voice rang out through the phone, but I wasn't paying attention to her anymore.
Instead, I was looking at the wolf. Once again, the pup opened its eyes for just a split second. I hadn't been wrong before, and I wasn't just imagining things.
The pup's eyes were the same color as Vic's-the soft color of twilight.
"A Fenrir wolf pup," Professor Metis said in wonder an hour later. "I've never seen one of them before."
Metis was in my room, along with Coach Ajax, and the three of us were staring at the wolf. Metis had brought over a cardboard box, which I'd lined with blankets. The professor had let me feed the pup using a bottle full of milk, and now, the pup-a girl-was sleeping. I reached down and stroked the wolf's tiny ears, and the pup's contentment filled my mind.
"Do you suppose that's why Nott came here?" I asked. "So I could take care of it? Do you think she knew she was going to die?"
Ajax shrugged his massive shoulders. "The world and the gods work in mysterious ways, Gwen. But Nott left something of herself behind, and we'll take good care of it. You can count on that."
"Hmph," Vic harrumphed from his spot up on the wall. "It's going to be a lot of trouble if you ask me, and it will shed everywhere."
I glared at Vic and started to tell him to be quiet again, when I realized that the sword's face had softened and that there was a gleam of a tear in his eye.
"I suppose the little bugger is kind of cute, though. At least for something covered in fur," Vic mumbled.
He sniffed a few times, and I got the impression that he would have reached up and wiped the tear out of his eye if he, you know, actually had had a hand to do that with. So I grabbed a tissue out of the box on my desk and dabbed at the sword's eye with it.
Vic smiled at me, and then the two of us turned our attention to the wolf pup once more.
"What are you going to name her?" Metis said.
I thought about it for a second. "Nyx."
"The Greek goddess of the night?" Ajax asked.
I nodded. "Yes, because she came out of the darkness just like Nott did."
In the box, the pup stirred a little, almost as if she could hear the sound of her mom's name, even though Metis had said that the wolf would be blind and deaf for at least a few days.
I kept right on stroking her tiny, silky ears, though, just like Nott would have wanted me to.
Chapter 27
I stayed with Nyx for the rest of the day, marveling at how small and perfect she was. Daphne and Carson came over, too, and the three of us just sat there looking at the pup. I thought about calling Logan, but every time I picked up the phone, Preston's face filled my mind instead. I just couldn't get over my fear I'd do the same thing to Logan that I had to the Reaper.
But there was something else I had to do, so I asked my friends to feed Nyx again while I went out for a while.
I walked across campus to the Library of Antiquities. Everything was normal inside. Students laughed, talked, and gossiped on the first floor, while Raven sold snacks and drinks at her coffee cart. Nickamedes stood behind the checkout counter, helping Mrs. Banba find some reference material. He, Metis, and Ajax had decided to go about their daily routines and pretend everything was normal until they heard from the Powers That Were on how they wanted to handle the news of Loki's escape.
I noticed the librarian staring at me, but I ignored him and climbed the stairs to the second floor. I stopped and looked down at all the kids studying below. They had no idea how much their world had changed overnight. I thought of the attack a few days ago at the Crius Coliseum. There'd been so much death, destruction, and deception already. And now, it would only get worse since Loki was free. There was a war coming-a war I had no idea how we were going to win.