Oh, fuck, what was he going to do if—
As he opened the glass door, he froze.
“Hi,” his shellan said from behind the desk.
She was so beautiful, sitting there with her office clothes on and her blond hair down. Man, he loved those waves falling over her shoulders like something out of Game of Thrones, and that silk blouse with its slight hint of pink brought out her skin like she was in a magazine ad for Estée Lauder.
“I got your calls. Your texts,” she said as she stared across at him.
Entering the office proper, he let the door close by itself and wasn’t sure whether he should sit down in a chair. Pace. Fall to his knees and start apologizing.
“I’m sorry—”
“I’m sorry—”
They both shut up. And the silence that came next was a period of each of them waiting for the other to speak.
“Look, I should have told you about Xhex,” he said, biting the bullet. “I didn’t because I just … it was before you and I were together seriously. I met her one night at Rehv’s club—it was just that night, and it wasn’t anything on either side. I had no idea she was going to end up living with us, and by the time she was, it was just one more thing I was leaving behind, you know?”
“I know. I get it.”
He waited for her to say more, but when all she did was look down at her hands, he frowned and sat in the chair opposite from her. “You sure about that.”
“Yes.”
Butch shook his head at the continued quiet. “I know I’m not perfect here, but if you honestly think I want her now over you, I’m going to get pretty fucking pissed off.”
“No, I know you don’t.”
And still she said nothing further. In the vacuum, while he tried to convince himself not to jump out of his own skin, he thought of him and Xhex high-fiving each other and joking about how he owed her because she’d saved him in a fight in an alley with some slayers. “She’s one of the guys, for fuck’s sake.”
“I know.”
Bringing up a hand, he rubbed his twitching left eye. “Do you.”
Jesus, what was wrong with them? Talking had always been so easy, like breathing. Now … all this silence.
“Just say it,” he muttered. “Whatever it is, however much it will hurt me, say it—just don’t leave me sitting here wondering what the fuck you’re thinking. My head’s going to explode.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about the hair?” she said in a rush.
Butch snapped his head up. “Excuse me?”
“I saw the interview. With that trainee.” She pointed to the computer screen. “I watched part of it. The part where you were telling a perfect stranger something that you’d never shared with me.”
“The interview—? Oh. That.”
“Yes, that.”
Butch resumed scrubbing his eye. “That wasn’t anything important.”
“Yeah, I guess I’m stuck wondering how many other things you’ve decided that about? I mean, what else don’t I know about you? After this long together, I thought I knew everything … I thought…” She got choked up a little, but was able to cast that aside. “What else don’t I know, Butch.”
As he looked across the desk into her eyes, a feeling of unease rippled down his spine. She was staring at him as if she didn’t know him at all.
“Marissa—”
“Seeing that beaten girl on the couch in the living room of Safe Place completely ruined me. The whole … violent ugliness of it, the suffering, the up-close pain, the way she looked at me, pleaded at me with her eyes.” Marissa’s slender shoulders trembled. “I didn’t tell you all that because I was afraid to trigger you about your sister. I didn’t talk to you because I didn’t want to upset you. There. I said it. It doesn’t make me happy, and it really doesn’t make me feel any better … but that’s what I’ve been hiding from you. Oh, that, and seeing my brother again broke my heart in half, just crumbled me. It made me miss parts of my old life, and that made me feel like I was betraying you.” She put her hands up. “That’s what I got. So what have you been hiding.”
When he went to open his mouth, she stopped him. “Before you speak, be very aware that I love you. I love you with everything I have and all that I am. But if you do not get real with me, I’m going to go back to the Pit, pack a bag, and move to Safe Place for a while.” She held his stare with unwavering eyes. “You and I are not going to survive long term, regardless of love or bonding, if you keep airbrushing things. If I keep airbrushing things. It’s not a good strategy for us—and if this makes you feel like you’re on the spot? As if I’m giving you an ultimatum? I don’t care. If anything gets in the way of our relationship, anything, I will mow that shit down—even if it is you.”
Butch realized he’d stopped breathing only because his lungs began to burn—and inflating them with a ragged inhale did little to improve that sense of suffocation.
Marissa shook her head gravely. “This is not about whether or not you were ever with Xhex. It’s about the fact that you didn’t think I could handle you telling me. Isn’t it. You didn’t want to hurt my feelings, and that’s noble, but don’t couch what happened between the two of you in terms of being ‘unimportant.’ That’s a copout.” She shook her head sadly. “The whole sex-club thing is the same. So is your issue about blow jobs—which you also refuse to discuss with me. The bottom line is, you have a very flattering, but very limiting opinion of me. You want to caretake me, but you’re putting me in a prison—and no offense, I grew up in the glymera being told all the things I couldn’t do because of who and what I was. I’m not going to put up with that anymore.”