I whipped around, heart racing, blood crashing in my ears. I crawled backward on my hands and feet, staring wide-eyed up at the dark figure looming over me. Panic hit hard when the figure barreled forward, and a face met mine.
Kurt.
I woke with a start, my head pounding, skin buzzing. Once calm enough to process my surroundings, I found Logan asleep against my back. It took everything I had to sneak out from under his arms and slide down the bed without waking him. As I stood over him, the anguish consuming me grew thicker. He looked so peaceful. I didn’t want him to lose that—didn’t want us to fall apart before we’d even had a real beginning.
I needed to work all fragments of Kurt from my system—prove to Logan and to myself that I could move forward, and that I was still the woman I was before. No more nightmares.
Convinced it was now or never, I threw on my coat, grabbed my boots, and tiptoed out of the room.
Once over the threshold of Logan’s front door, no longer protected by the safety inside, I closed it all behind me quietly. Fumbling with my boots, I shoved my feet in and stared across to my dark house next door.
What am I doing? What’s the plan—my goal?
I didn’t have answers. The only thing I knew for sure was that Kurt was in my head and needed to get the hell out.
I shuffled forward warily over the sugaring of snow covering Logan’s front porch. My senses were hyperaware of every noise, movement, and shadow around to mock me.
Get it together! Nobody’s out here! I’d been alone outside in these parts my entire life, never fearing a single thing, and I wouldn’t let that change now.
Still, when the harsh security light from Logan’s porch flashed on, my body betrayed my spirit. My spine stiffened and stomach lurched; as hard as I fought through the unwarranted fear, my fingers clutched my coat against my chest, palms sweaty and hands trembling.
I stared out at the floodlit path, cutting through the night from his yard to mine. Inhaling a rapid breath of cool winter air, I released the hold on my coat and rubbed my hands together briskly, determined it was time to tackle this beast head on. And I did, jogging down the porch stairs, my courage returning with each step until my feet crunched into that deep wicked snow on the earth—a trigger I couldn’t avoid.
The texture under my boots was the same as in the dream. Everything in me froze as it all rushed back: the nightmare, the terror, and the anxiety, but mostly the anger. It hid deep inside my gut, building under the surface.
My head shook. Rage boiled through my veins, but I wouldn’t let it spill out. I’d never let anyone see or know. I’d bury it in a subterranean hole behind my heart, where my pain and sorrow were locked away in a place I never had to deal with them again.
I needed at least enough closure on Kurt to satisfy the scared, tiny girl inside that required it. His actions won’t define me. I ached to scream it so loudly that it would ricochet through the forest, letting everyone to know I wasn’t some fragile child. I was stronger than the fear, and my will was stronger than any pain Kurt could cause me.
Prepared to storm over to my house and remove all signs of him, I felt Logan’s gentle voice jerk me back to the now.
“Cassandra.”
My shoulders were the only part of me that moved out of my body’s rigid state, but I didn’t look back, staring with fixed purpose at my house.
I heard him move closer, descending the first step before standing behind me. He didn’t touch me. “Come back to bed, sweetheart.”
I opened my mouth and a low, heated whisper crawled out. “I can’t.”
His hand appeared beside me, folding lightly around my arm. “Okay. Tell me what I can do.”
I didn’t know, and I hated myself for it. We’d been through so much, been pushed to the brink, and he’d proven he was there for me and cared for me again and again. I knew with every fiber of my being that he loved me. I never wanted him worrying about me again.
I leaned backward into his chest, absorbing his scent. “Nothing. I’m fine.” An awkward bubble of a bitter chuckle leapt from my throat. Was every relationship tackled at every turn, or was it just mine?
His hands circled my waist, and he turned me around slowly. I stared down at his black boots, unable to look into his eyes.
Strong fingers captured my chin and lifted my head up until his penetrating gaze locked on mine. “No, you’re not. Don’t ever hide from me, Cassandra. Let me be here for you.” His voice was stern but tender. “Please.”
Unsure what to say, I simply nodded. Together, we stood there, neither breaking the connection our eyes held.
“I’m not a victim. I never will be,” I finally confessed, staring past him, emotions too high to control. “I don’t want to feel this.” My chest tightened, forcing myself to go deeper—to purge. “He would have won. He would have—”
I folded my bottom lip between my teeth, unable to say it as I felt tears well up in my eyes. Logan’s hand caressed my cheek, and I drew from his strength to continue.
“After everything the past few months, it’s like I’ve lost myself. I… I don’t know what I’ve become. This brittle girl that people look at with pity? I hate it. It was why I was so headstrong with you…” My eyes met his again. “…because you…you had that same look in the hospital when Julia and Oliver came by. You saw through me, and I couldn’t bear it.”
He sat on the top step, taking me in his arms and setting me on his lap. His powerful gaze demanded my attention.
“I saw a strong, powerful woman lying in a bed, covered in injuries I was responsible for,” he began. “I let you go that night—let you drive away, fully aware that you weren’t fit to be behind the wheel. I was selfish, only thinking about myself.
“And then it hit me, the moment your taillights disappeared: the enormity of how much I fucked up something so beautiful, so pure. The look you saw on my face that day in the hospital was not pity—it was pain, guilt, and regret. But it was also love. I loved you, and more than anything I wanted to protect you…take care of you any way you’d allow.”
His head fell and he blew out a breath.
“I love you,” I said. “I did then, and I do now. I just want to feel like myself again.”
“I promise you, Cassandra, I will fight with everything I have to make you happy. You’re still the same girl I watched leap over that puddle, so carefree. You’ve dealt with more than your fair share, we both know that, but I’ll make things right. And you have my word: You’ll never have to fear that monster again.” His voice hardened. “Nobody will ever hurt you again.”
Maybe it was the protectiveness that radiated off him or the love his words cocooned me in, but in that moment I was through talking. Soothing warmth flooded my chest. There was only one thing I wanted: to be lost in him. I was safe and happy there.
“Make love to me,” I murmured.
He pulled back the slightest bit. Had I not been so attuned to his every move, I may not have noticed.
“We don’t have to, Cassandra,” he said softly, his hands smoothing down my back. “We can just sit here. I’ll hold you as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere—ever. I want to love you in every way imaginable, but I want you to be ready to move on from today in your own time.”