He seemed to be waiting for my answer, but when he saw that I had none, he continued. “I can tell you what I think. I wouldn’t wanna know. Actually, I don’t wanna know, ‘cause I don’t have to pretend whether this is a real question. I’m pretty sure even though I have MS, I can still make that decision.”
The hair on the back of my neck was on end. I ran through his question again and again nervously in my mind. “Of course this is your decision,” I said unsteadily, though I looked him in the eye, “I just wish we could have talked about it.”
“What is there to talk about?”
“I mean, you haven’t even taken the test yet. Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think.”
He scoffed. “What? Like they’ll scan me and then suddenly I’ll be magically cured? I know better than that.”
“No, but you can’t just imagine the worst case scenario either. You have to stay positive.”
A sick smile crept over his lips, like he had his own personal joke about what I’d said. “Okay. Hey, I’m positive!” The smile left, and the look that replaced it was painfully earnest.
“Why are you mocking me?” I asked, feeling slightly hurt. “Positivity is really important for dealing with this kind of thing.”
“I’m sorry. I just don’t see the point of getting the test done if there’s only going to be bad news.”
“There must be a reason the doctors wanted you to do it. Is it possible that they can treat you better if they knew what was going on?”
He paused for a second, and then looked down to the ground, kicking a rock out of his way. “I—I don’t know. Maybe.”
“If they can, then I think you should give them a chance to help you.”
He took a couple deep breaths. It looked like he was trying hard to hold himself together.
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Watching him struggle with this broke my heart. “You know I’m committed to us whatever you decide. I’m just hoping you’ll let me help when you have to face this stuff.”
“And if—if things get bad? Will you still be there?"
“Of course. Of course I’ll still be there. I—” I swallowed, my mouth thick. “I’m terrified and I’m still trying to adjust to it, but I’ll be there for you.”
He shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. “Even if it gets really bad? Even if you have to deal with another early death?”
His words stabbed me to the core. He had always been there for me, I could hardly even think about what I would do without him by my side without sobbing, but I looked away for a moment and tried to keep it together.
“I’d cry,” I said, turning back to look him right in the face. “I’d be devastated. But I’m not running away anymore. No matter what happens, we can face it together. No matter what. I promise. ”
Hunter looked away, staring intently at nothing in particular. I knew he was considering my words so I didn’t interrupt him, I just let him think. However it made me feel, he had to make the decision for himself. I could be there for him, but this was about him, not me, I knew I couldn’t make this choice for him.
Finally, he let out a long shuddering sigh.
He turned back to me, and walked toward me for an embrace. I hesitated for a moment, then brought my own arms wide and wrapped them around him, burying my face in his strong chest and letting out a single sob. He held me, his hands on my back, and we just stood there.
He took a deep breath. “I’m gonna call and make an appointment for that scan. Will you go with me?”
I nodded, inadvertently wiping my tears on his sweatshirt. My face felt raw from all the crying in the brisk weather. “Of course.”
I pulled back and craned my neck up to kiss him. He seemed to have the same idea, and brought his lips down on mine. Finally we simply held each other and listened to the world around us. Everything was still. Everything continued on.
Chapter Thirteen
A DIFFERENT KIND OF READING
Hunter’s appointment was scheduled for one p.m. that Friday. Thursday passed in a blur of anxious anticipation and awkward attempts to pretend everything was fine. And then it was Friday.
The entire day my stomach fluttered so much I thought it wanted to permanently leave my body. Hunter hadn’t eaten anything that day because of his scan but I wasn’t eating out of sheer nerves.
We decided to volunteer to get groceries so we wouldn’t have to tell my aunt and uncle about Hunter’s condition. We were standing in the kitchen shortly after the kids had gone off to school, and Hunter took the lead on convincing my aunt. It didn’t take much.
“Oh, that’s very sweet of you Hunter,” she said. “If you’re sure, I can give you the list in just a minute.”
“Thanks for letting me help out,” he replied, a big smile on his face. I stood mute beside him and tried to emulate his expression.
“No, thank you,” she said. She left to go get her purse, which contained the list. I exhaled as she left. Every day until we got the results was going to be nerve-wracking.
An hour later we were on the road. Hunter had made an appointment at an imaging center near town, about thirty-five minutes from where my aunt and uncle lived. The scan results were going to be read by a specialist on the other side of town who we were going to see the next week.
I watched his hands as he drove and saw he was clutching the steering wheel white-knuckled. Even if he was trying not to show it, he was nervous. We drove in silence for ten minutes before I tried to break the ice.
“You were perfect with my aunt,” I said, cracking my best fake smile.
He shrugged. “She’s really nice to me.”
“I think she can see you put in an effort with her and she’s trying to return the favor.”
“I guess that’s true. Do you know where we’re going?”
I looked at my phone, which had the directions to the center. “Yeah, you still have another couple miles before we have to turn.”
He nodded, and we drove without conversation for the rest of the trip. I couldn’t come up with anything to say that didn’t feel awkward, so I said nothing.
Soon we were walking into the imaging center. The waiting room was maybe a quarter full with a lot of worried looking people sitting nervously. It had white walls with health posters plastered periodically and black chairs.
Hunter signed in and we sat down, chatting idly and looking at the old magazines on a nearby coffee table. His name was called and he followed the technician back to the MRI machine.
I took a deep breath and played on my phone while I waited for him to be done. He had said it took twenty to thirty minutes to do the test, so I had a while. I wracked my brain for things I could do for him between taking the test and getting the results, but still nothing came.
Before I knew it, he was back. “Ready to go?” he asked. The tension that had been in his body before seemed to have disappeared.
I narrowed my eyes and then caught myself and opened them wide. If he was relaxed, that was a good thing. “Yeah, of course. Let’s go.”
We got into the car and headed for town to buy groceries.
“So how was it?” I asked, once we’d been gotten to the main road.