Hunter snapped the twig in his hand.
“Lorrie, I have MS. Multiple sclerosis. It’s a disease . . . It’s not curable, but it can be treated, only . . . ” he trailed off, a pained grimace on his face.
Ice gripped my stomach and my head felt like it was about to float away. I watched him carefully, waiting for him to say more. My hands involuntarily rose to my mouth. MS? Multiple sclerosis?
Hunter hadn’t changed his posture, but suddenly he looked different. I always took comfort in the size of his body, feeling safe in his presence. Now I saw the worry etched on his face, the tired slump in his shoulders and the pain in his eyes. Tattoos and Muscles. Tim. “The Hammer.” An MS patient.
Sharp spikes of pain lanced through my chest and I felt my heart breaking for him. This wasn’t fair. Hunter didn’t deserve this.
“I had no idea,” I choked out, hot tears springing uncontrollably from my eyes.
“Hey, don’t cry Lorrie. I’m the one who’s dying,” he said, a lopsided smile trembling on his lips. Typical Hunter. Even now, he had to tell his stupid jokes.
“That’s not funny,” I shot at him. The smile faded from his face, leaving only the sadness in his eyes.
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Bad joke.”
Other than the injuries from his fight, he looked mostly in good health, but how long would it last? I didn’t know much, but I was pretty sure multiple sclerosis could be debilitating. It was one of those diseases like Parkinson’s that you really didn’t want to have. When did he find out? Why hadn’t he told me earlier?
“That day you ran into us outside the hospital, I had just gotten discharged. I had a flare-up, but I’m fine now.”
It was another revelation that felt like a slap to the face. That was why he had been in the hospital. Waves of guilt washed over me. Hunter had been hospitalized while I was trying to recover from the shock of receiving Marco’s letter. I had been upset at Hunter because he wasn’t there for me, when in reality, he was struggling with something worse. I swallowed thickly, feeling nauseated.
“When did you get diagnosed?” I asked, wiping the tears that kept falling from my face.
“Sophomore year.”
“And Ada knows about it?”
He sighed. “Yeah, we were dating when I found out.”
A fresh pang of pain clutched around my heart. He hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me, so much that he went to his ex for help. Who else knew about it? Was I the only one in the dark? Is that why everyone else seemed to know what was going on except for me?
“Who else knows?”
“Just Gary.”
I pursed my lips. So Gary had been hiding it from me too. “Why didn’t you call me? I would have gone to the hospital with you!”
“I was afraid—” he paused to take several deep breaths and then started over, “This disease has taken away everything from me and when I thought there was nothing left for it to take . . .”
The muscles in his jaw tightened and then relaxed. “I met you.”
He took my hand and squeezed it. “I saw that you were dealing with so much pain, so I wanted to be your rock. I didn’t want you to pity me and just see me as some sick dying patient!”
Heavy puffs of his warm breath rose from him. His eyes were full and glistening with emotion.
“I wouldn’t have . . . ” I started to say that I wouldn’t have looked at him that way, but my voice trailed off when I realized that was a lie. Just moments ago when he had told me about his condition, that was exactly how I had started to see him.
When I was at school, a lot of people tiptoed around me like I was going to have a breakdown any moment. Hunter was different. He had treated me like I was still a real person, not a pity case. Maybe I was still struggling with how I was coming to terms with Hunter’s condition, but I was determined to see through it to the real man underneath.
“Hunter, I understand why you were worried, but you didn’t even give me a chance. I told you all of my secrets. Why did you keep this from me? I never would have even left Studsen if I knew!”
My heart pounded in helpless fury at the stupid things we did and could never take back. I was angry at Hunter and I was angry at myself.
He shook his head vigorously. “I wanted to help you with your pain, not add my problems to yours. That’s why you had to leave Studsen, isn’t it? Because something happened? I woulda never forgave myself if I was the only reason you stayed.”
“But why? I thought we were supposed to be a team. We were supposed to save each other!”
I stomped my foot, shaking up some of the dirt on the ground. Hunter held his other hand to the side of my face and leaned in until our foreheads were touching. His gray eyes were soft liquid pools I wanted to drown in. “We can still save each other. Just give us a chance.”
I let out a choked sob, unable to stand looking at his hopeful expression. His breath blew softly against my face as his chest rose and fell. Hunter was dealing with a horrible disease without a cure, and I was still no closer to moving on from how my parents died. I knew I loved him. I just didn’t know if our love was something that could work with everything else in our lives.
“How can we save each other if you won’t even ask for help when you need it?” I asked weakly.
He shook his head desperately. “You don’t know how sorry I am, Lorrie,” he said. He looked up to the sky and took a deep breath. “What we had was something special, and I ruined it. I know I shoulda told you sooner. Knew it then too, I think.”
No. Hunter wasn’t the only one who ruined it. I was responsible too. I tried to be normal and have a normal life, but I messed it up. Even before everything fell apart, I knew that what was happening between us would lead to disaster. And now that I knew about Hunter’s condition, would I even be strong enough to help him deal with it?
Gary’s voice broke into my thoughts. You’re no good for each other.
I turned my head away from Hunter and he let his hand drop. “That’s not the only problem. I care about you, and I want you to be okay, but when we were together . . . maybe everything wasn’t as perfect as you thought it was.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, concern furrowing his brow.
I pulled my hand away from him. “We stayed in your apartment for days just so we could have more sex! How was that healthy? We were hiding from reality!”
“How many people have had to deal with the things we’re going through?” he shot back. “Don’t you think we deserved a little break?”
“Not like that! A little break could become a permanent vacation for us. Everyone else around us saw it, but we were so deep into each other that we didn’t see what was happening.”
His voice rose. “Who did you hear that from? Was it Ada? I swear to God, if she’s trying to f**k with you―”
I slapped my hands against my thighs in anger. “No! Stop it! This isn’t about Ada or anybody else! It’s about us. Don’t you see? We could have avoided this mess.”
He stared at me for several seconds, breathing hard. “Yeah, I know,” he said finally. His eyes moved from my face back to the gray sky. “I f**ked it up, but I’m trying to make it right.”