“You think you’re falling in love with me?” I ask. They are wonderful words, but I don’t want to believe them until I’m sure—until she’s sure. She said “I think,” which means she’s uncertain of it.
And besides, it defies the very own logic. “But that’s not possible. You said that wasn’t possible.”
She opens her mouth to answer and then shuts it again. She’s thinking of what to say. Finally, she shakes her head.
“Let me be more clear, then. I love you, Wil. I’m not sure how or why it happened…just that it did.”
I love you, Wil. Those words hit me like a forge hammer between the eyes. I know exactly what they mean, but they slip off me, unable to gain purchase—like a climber on an icy cliff. These words are too dangerous.
A spot in my chest tightens and starts to hurt. “What about Brock?”
She frowns. “I’ll always love him. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love you.”
I swallow a suddenly large lump in my throat. “You do want to be with me?”
She smoothes a hand across my cheek, smiling. “I told you already that I did. I haven’t changed my mind since this afternoon.”
My fingers comb idly through her hair as I study the pattern of shadows on the ceiling of the tent, backlit by the moonlight. If I could draw this feeling—this moment—those patterns would be the background.
“And what does that mean? We’ll date?”
She hesitates, her finger tracing a light pattern over my chest. The touch distracts me, so I stop her by cupping my hand over hers.
“Sure…like we have been. Even though we haven’t been calling it dating.”
“I want you to live with me. So we’ll see each other all the time.”
She’s silent for a long time. “Let’s just…see what happens.”
I turn to look at her. “You don’t want to live with me?”
She nestles deeper into my side. “I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying…one thing at a time, okay? For right now, let’s enjoy this. It’s been a long time coming.”
Yes, it has. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want her with me all the time. I wonder if this is her way of getting close…but not too close. I shut off that fear. She’s here, right? And she’s changed her plans so we can be together.
She’s right. We should just enjoy this.
But I can’t—not just yet. There are still so many unanswered questions, and in order to know what to expect in the immediate future, I need more information. So I ask the next question on my mind. “And what about soul mates? You still believe Brock is yours.”
She sighs. “I’m in the process of revising that belief, actually.”
I pull away and then run a hand over my jaw, trying to allow this to sink in. My thoughts are racing, full of what ifs and whys. “But I haven’t proven myself worthy yet.”
She rises up on her elbow to look at me more directly. “Yes, you have. A dozen times over, you have.”
I’m silent. I don’t believe her.
Her hand caresses my face, my neck, trying to get me to look at her. Finally, she sighs again. “You were my champion, Wil. With Doug. You didn’t have to volunteer to fight another duel, but you did. And you’ve worked so hard to overcome everything that held you back the last time.
“You were my champion at Disneyland when I panicked because of the fireworks. You’re—you’re just an awesome human being. There is so much about you that is worthy, and I’m pissed that you ever believed you weren’t. Because nothing could be further from the truth. You’re the worthiest person I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing, and I believe in you.”
There it is again. That phrase, grabbing me like a vise around the throat. I’m in the grip of some complex emotions with no hope of being able to sort them out.
But it was the same exact phrase she’d uttered when she entered the tent. I had been so overwhelmed with the need to have her that I’d grabbed her and hadn’t let her say anything else.
Part of me is doubtful, wondering if she’s just saying these things now because of what just happened between us. Like she’s telling me what she thinks I want to hear. That possibility does not make me happy.
But when I turn to look at her, my eyes catch hers and our gazes tangle together, as if connected by fishing lines that are knotted and twisted round each other. And the more I look into her eyes, the deeper I go. It’s like looking into her soul. Now I want to see it all.
After a few minutes, she blinks and draws back, but I put my hand to her head, preventing her from withdrawing from me. “Jenna…you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. And I’m not just talking about the outside. That’s what I noticed first, of course, but I’ve seen beautiful women before. And many of them end up not being good people inside. But you...” My voice dies out, so I clear my throat and continue. “You’re beautiful in every way…how you act, how you think, how you comprehend the feelings of others, how you help them.”
Her eyes become inexplicably round and her lip trembles. She bites it to keep it still. When she says nothing, I continue. “You once said nothing in your life is permanent—that everything becomes temporary. I couldn’t stop thinking about those words because of how unfair that is. You deserve permanence, and I want to be the man who gives it to you.”
She turns to kiss my shoulder. “I want you to be that man, too.”
My heart surges into my throat, buoyed by hope.
“So are you going to get that wander-thing—”
“Wanderlust.”
“—and just pack your bags and leave like…like with your other boyfriends?”
She studies my face. Placing a palm along my cheek, she smoothes her fingers over my prickly whiskers. I’m suddenly sorry I didn’t have a chance to shave before I kissed her all over her face, her neck, her chest. Maybe it didn’t feel pleasant for her, but she didn’t want to tell me…
Her lids droop and she leans forward, placing her forehead against mine and looking into my eyes. This time, however, I’m finding it difficult to return her gaze. I’m afraid she’s going to see my doubt there.
“Something’s different this time, Wil. I never felt for any of them the way I do for you. Is that enough? Can you trust me?”