My hand tightened into a fist on the table in front of me. “I’m not going to respond to that because that is not a possibility. I’m going to have to borrow your mom’s words here. Please don’t sacrifice yourself. You have so much to live for. Med school in the fall—”
She shook her head. “I’m not going to med school.”
I tensed, utterly frustrated now. “Stop this. You are giving up your dream, now? You are already letting cancer win.”
“I want to live. I’m not giving up.”
I took a breath and let it out slowly. There was no manipulating her here. If I even tried, this fragile door that we’d opened between us would be slammed shut and barred. I’d already learned that manipulating her to do what I wanted only made things worse. I’d fucked up badly in the past, but I wasn’t an imbecile—I at least learned from my mistakes.
I took her hand again. “I can’t pretend to understand what this is like for you. I only know what it’s like from the outside. But for God’s sake, there are so many of us who want the best for you. Who need you. Me, your mom, Heath, all your friends….”
Her head tilted down, the brim of her cap hiding her face.
“Mia,” I whispered. “I’m sorry that we can’t have everything. I wish to God we could. But we have to choose what’s most important here. For me, that’s you. For you, I hope that’s you, too.”
She put her free hand to her face and only nodded.
I got up from my side of the table and slid onto the bench next to her.
She melted into my side before I even put an arm around her. She felt limp, her posture relaxing immediately. I practically had to catch her against me to hold her up. She turned and pressed her face into my chest. My arms tightened around her.
I held her like this for long, long minutes. She had grabbed handfuls of my shirt and was hanging on for dear life. She didn’t move and I could hardly tell if she was breathing. And I would have given every last dime I had to know what was going on in her head. I was holding my breath, too, hoping she’d make the choice I needed her to make.
She turned her head to the side, laying her cheek against my collarbone. She wasn’t crying, but when she spoke, her voice trembled. “If I do this, I will regret it forever.”
“If you do this and live to regret it, put that burden on me. I’ll take that on my shoulders. They’re sturdy. They’ll take the weight.”
She sighed and I held her.
“I need time,” she whispered after an endless stretch of minutes.
“You don’t have much,” I reminded her.
“Please, Adam,” she said, her voice muffled against my shoulder.
I opened my mouth, wanted to push her to make the decision now so that we could take action today, but I couldn’t. This had to come from her. And I was helpless, utterly helpless to take this into my hands.
“Whatever happens, whatever you decide…” My voice faded and I cleared my throat. “I love you.”
“I know.”
“Do you want to spend the day together or do you want to be alone?”
“Can we be together?”
I held her, bent to kiss her face. “Of course.”
I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I had no idea if this pain would eventually split us up for good but for now, today, she wanted us to be together and I wanted it, too.
And maybe, just maybe, we could make some enjoyable memories where I could forget this cloud of doom hanging over us and be in the moment, be with her, be in love.
Chapter Five
Mia
We spent New Year’s Eve in Adam’s audiovisual room—his private little movie theater. We watched the Doctor Who Christmas special almost a week late. Then we binged on reruns of Battlestar Galactica, pretending that that horrid last episode didn’t exist. So we spent an hour making up our own stories for what happened to the characters instead of them landing on a primeval earth forty thousand years in the past and deciding to die out as dirt farmers and cavemen.
When I dozed off in my recliner, Adam carried me up two flights of stairs to his room and laid me gently on the bed. By the time we got there, I was partially awake again.
“Is it after midnight?” I asked in a groggy voice.
“It’s twelve fifteen.”
“Hmm. It’s a new year.”
The bed dipped as Adam sank beside me. “Yes,” he said, smoothing my hair back from my face.
He cleared his throat. “You want to sleep in your clothes?”