We had no idea what our future would be even two days from now. But in his arms, I’d always felt beautiful, like the most important, desired and gorgeous woman in the world. The center of his universe.
I laid my head against his shoulder and his arms came around me. I wanted things to go back to the way they’d been, before we were broken.
I wanted it more than anything else.
But that would never happen, would it? Our normal, those few short months of happiness, were now wrecked forever.
I pressed my cheek to the center of his chest and fell asleep, lulled by the rhythm of his heartbeat.
***
When I woke up, bright light was pouring through the windows and the bed was empty beside me. I could hear the shower going so I lay flat on my back and looked up at the canted wooden ceiling. I’d been agonizing over a life-changing decision. One that I knew I wasn’t grown-up enough to make.
My birth certificate might have stated that I was twenty-two years old but inside I still felt like a girl, immature, scared. Afraid to come out of her shell, open herself up, take a risk. Deep down I was that girl inside the body of a woman. Everyone around me seemed so much more together, so much more in touch with who they were as adults. Especially Adam.
He might not always have been right, but he was always certain of what he wanted and what he did. I closed my eyes, feeling a stab of pain as I thought about him.
Without realizing it, my hands went down to my belly, resting atop my womb. I had his child inside me. Until five days ago, I hadn’t even known it existed or that I wanted it. But now that I did I wanted it more than anything—maybe even my own life. But how could I tell him that? Or my mom or anyone else?
And how could I want this more than my own life? I was a scientist. This life form was not viable and soon my body would not be a hospitable place for its own systems, let alone a completely dependent one. This option made absolutely no sense to my biologist’s brain. My scientific mind knew that it wasn’t a baby yet. It knew that one in four early pregnancies spontaneously aborted on its own—oftentimes before the woman even knew that it existed.
The same could happen to me. I couldn’t make this decision lightly, but was it my decision alone to make?
As a feminist, I strongly believed in a woman’s right to choose. Every woman deserved to determine what happened to her body. I’d fight for the right for a woman to choose and I’d never, ever dictate what that choice must be for anyone else. It was a thing so personal, so dependent on circumstance. And what I faced—was it really a choice at all?
That was what rankled me most of all, what left me nearly breathless with helplessness. I was being robbed of my choice.
Because my life wasn’t just about me. It was about all those who loved me—Adam, my mom, my friends. It was about my future, all the years I still had before me to live for myself, for them.
Anger and bitterness stung the backs of my eyes. I’d make this choice for them, because I loved them and I wanted to live for them. But it wasn’t fair. It was so not fair. In order to save my own life, I had to destroy that tiny life inside of me before it ever had a chance.
When Adam came out of the bathroom, one towel around his waist and another around his shoulders to towel his hair dry, he found me like that. Lying flat on my back, both hands on my stomach. His expression blank, his dark eyes zeroed in on my hands, narrowing slightly before he turned away. He’d easily deduced what was going through my mind. It wouldn’t have been hard.
It had been going through both of our minds constantly for the past few days.
I sat up, staring out the window as he dressed. When he was done, he came and sat beside me on the bed.
“Hi,” he said.
“Good morning.”
“Want some breakfast?”
I shook my head.
“Not even a little tea or dry toast?”
I shook my head harder.
“You’re green.”
I nodded.
“You’re also not talking.”
We held each other’s gaze. My heart leapt into my throat. He felt distant from me, guarded. I wanted him so damn much. I wanted to stay here and be with him. I wanted his love. It felt less accessible now than ever before. Like a distant dream I never had any hope of attaining.
And what I wanted more than anything was to live. For him. For my mom. For my friends. I’d find a way to live with myself later.
“I’ll do it,” I finally croaked.
His brows drew together. “What?”
“The termination. I’ll do it.”
Adam looked like he was about to fall over in relief. For long minutes, he didn’t move, didn’t smile, didn’t breathe, just watched me.