I pulled my head away, turning to stare at the wall, unwilling to torture myself any further. The happy times—those brief flashes in our near past—only made the stark present hurt more.
I glanced down at her pale face, wishing I could be the one to take care of her. That I could do more than the measly amount of babysitting I was doing tonight. I held her in my arms for almost another hour before Heath and Connor came in through the front door and crept into the room quietly.
“Did she eat anything?” Heath whispered.
I shook my head but pointed to the water bottle. Connor took it up and went into the kitchen to refill it.
I slowly extricated myself from Emilia, lifting her from my chest and then bending, I picked her up to carry her to her bedroom. I tried not to think about how much lighter she was in my arms than she used to be, how much frailer she felt. I gently laid her on the bed and when I straightened to go she reached up and clamped her hand tightly around my wrist.
“Adam,” she said. I paused and then sat beside her on the bed, smoothing her cheek. “I need you.”
Something about that simple admission struck me like a blow in the center of my chest. I took a deep breath. “I’m not going anywhere.”
With that, she seemed satisfied and soon her breathing was steady and rhythmic again. I bent to kiss her.
I felt powerless, helpless. And these were two feelings that I wasn’t accustomed to. Feelings that angered me. Feelings that I usually avoided at all costs. I knew how to keep my distance emotionally. And with hardening resolve, I decided to do so.
I left her when Heath came in to take my place at her bedside with the refilled bottle of water. Then I drove home, my work for the evening only beginning.
Chapter Eleven
Mia
“You need to do it, Mia.”
I sighed, watching my mom as she finished off folding my laundry. I was crammed in the corner of my small room at Heath’s condo, sitting in a chair with my novel on my lap while Mom finished pairing all my socks.
“I don’t need to…I could just—”
“It’s not fair to Heath. And it’s not fair to Adam, either.”
My mom was trying to convince me to move back into Adam’s house. She needed to go back and see to the ranch. Her favorite mare was due to give birth any time now and her caretaker wasn’t equipped to handle that. And in any case, she’d been away for weeks longer than she’d originally planned due to my surprise cancer-bomb.
I fiddled with my book, flipping the pages between my thumb and forefinger. “Maybe.”
“What are you afraid of?”
Of history repeating itself? Of going back to the fighting? “We rushed into it last time. I think it will jinx us. I know that sounds silly and superstitious but…”
Mom’s mouth quirked to the side as she pondered that. She looked at me with hooded eyes. “How hard did you try, Mia?”
I frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”
She picked up a stack of folded T-shirts and pulled open a drawer in my dresser. “Well, as far as I understand it, you moved out after one fight. It’s not like he kicked you out.”
I clenched my jaw. Mom didn’t know the half of what had gone on between Adam and me. The heat of indignation rose in the back of my throat. I felt judged. “He gave me an ultimatum. I don’t do those.”
She shook her head. “I’m not saying he didn’t make mistakes, too. You both did.”
My mouth quirked with irritation. “But somehow my mistake was bigger than his?”
Mom returned to sit on the bed, her hands on her knees. “No. But the last time I checked, Adam didn’t try to hide a serious illness from everyone close to him.”
The air left my chest. So here it was. I was wondering when Mom would confront me about this. Apparently she’d judged that I was now feeling well enough. “I know you are still mad at me and I know I deserve it but—”
“I’m not so much mad as…disappointed…hurt. I know you and your legendary stubbornness, kid. I’ve known it since you were a baby. But you have to stop it. You have to grow up sometime and realize that not everything can go your way all the time.”
A wave of bitterness washed over me. “Things haven’t been going my way much lately.”
My mom’s face sobered so suddenly I thought she was about to burst into tears. My chest tightened to see it. “I wish to God I could do something about that, Mia. I honestly do.”
I blinked, suddenly feeling prickles in my eyes as well. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I hurt all of you.”