“Come here. Sit down, please?”
She let me steer her back to the couch while she continued to sob. I sat next to her, stupidly handing her more tissues as she made her way through the box at hand.
“Emilia. Talk to me,” I finally said when it looked like she was getting control of herself. “I’m sorry I fucked up. But I want to be here for you.”
She shook her head, wiping her face repeatedly. “You did fuck up. Big. Big time.”
I said nothing for a long time and she turned to me, as if waiting for some slick explanation to come out of my mouth, but I couldn’t give it to her. Instead my heart was pounding like I’d just run sprints and there was a chunk of ice at the pit of my stomach. I wanted to tell her how afraid I was. I was losing her and the more I sensed that she was slipping away the more I reflexively tightened my grip. She was right. I needed that control. Not having it froze my entrails with terror.
“What can I do to make it up to you?” I finally asked in a quiet voice.
She thought about that for a long time. “You need to back off.”
I did not tear my eyes from hers; they were attached, as if we were fused together, some invisible soul-tether holding us locked in each other’s gaze. “I can’t do that.”
Her jaw set. “You have to.”
“Tell me why.”
“Because you need to prove to me that you can deal and not be a complete nut job stalker when you don’t have the control.” She hesitated and looked away. “We need time away from each other. Time for you to give me space and show me that you don’t need to control or manipulate me. Because if you can’t prove that to me, I will never trust you and this will never work.”
We said nothing for long minutes. I rubbed my forehead. I hated this and wanted to rail against it. Already there were clever replies in my head, responses I could design to try and get a certain reaction from her. Now that she was pointing this out to me, it was almost scary how automatic that way of thinking was for me. I was always thinking my way around every situation, like it was a puzzle to solve, a challenge to overcome. Even with her.
But if I couldn’t stop this—if I didn’t stop it—I’d lose her forever. I tried to envision my life without her. I’d be lost, adrift. Free-falling through space. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“I just want to take care of you.”
Her voice was quiet but firm beside me. “Your idea of taking care means dominating every situation.”
Of course it did. Why was that a bad thing? Be the driver, not the driven. But I couldn’t drive her.
“How do I know you’ll be all right? That you’ll be safe?”
She still wasn’t looking at me. “I’ll take care of myself.”
My hands clenched into fists. “So we’re broken up then?”
“For now.”
My stomach dropped. “What does that mean?”
“It means we have to learn to trust each other. You have to trust me enough that you can back off and let me handle my life and I have to trust that you won’t be breathing down my neck and watching everything I do.”
I stayed silent. She watched me closely. I didn’t bat an eye—didn’t look at her. I had no idea what to say.
“Also, um. We need to draw a clear line. I can’t work at Draco—”
“What? Why?”
She looked away. “I shouldn’t work for you…”
I stiffened. But when the hell would I see her, then? We had some friends in common, but that was it. If she didn’t work for me, I wouldn’t know where she was all day. My fist closed. I couldn’t allow that, control issues or no. At least during the work hours of the day, Monday through Friday for the next three months, I’d know exactly where she’d be. It wasn’t enough, but it was something.
“What about your commitments? The Con. I—we need you.”
She hesitated, so I pushed it. “What about Liam? How do you think he’d handle it if you just stopped working?”
She rubbed her brow. “That’s not fair.”
“Please, at least promise me you’ll stay until after the New Year.” And hopefully by then we’d have this figured out. God, I hoped so.
“I need some time to think about it. Give me a week.”
I took a breath and released it slowly. I really wanted that commitment from her now, but if I pushed it, then I was that much more of an idiot for not having learned my lesson. “Okay. Take as long as you need, but—Please come back.”