As Ellie walks back from the Tube some time later, she realizes the pain in her sides is not from the skating—although she hasn’t fallen over so often since she was learning to walk—but because she has laughed pretty solidly for almost two hours. Skating was comic, and exhilarating, and she realized as she took her first successful baby steps onto the ice that she rarely experienced the pleasure of losing herself in simple physical activity.
Rory had been good at it; most of his friends were. “We come here every winter,” he said, gesturing at the temporary rink, floodlit and surrounded by office buildings. “They put it up in November, and we probably come every fortnight. It’s easier if you’ve had a few drinks first. You relax more. C’mon . . . let your limbs go. Just lean forward a bit.” He had skated backward in front of her, his arms outstretched so that she clutched them. When she fell over, he laughed mercilessly. It was liberating to do this with someone whose opinion she cared so little for: if it had been John, she would have fretted that the chill of the ice was making her nose redden.
She would have been thinking the whole time about when he would have to leave.
They have arrived at her door. “Thanks,” she says to Rory. “Tonight was going pretty badly, and I ended up having a great time.”
“Least I could do, after raining all over your birthday with that letter.”
“I’ll get over it.”
“Who’d have thought? Ellie Haworth has a heart.”
“It’s just an ugly rumor.”
“You’re not bad, you know,” he says, a smile playing around his eyes. “For an old bird.”
She wants to ask him if he’s talking about the skating, but she’s suddenly unnerved by what he might say. “And you’re all charm.”
“You’re . . .” He blinks, glances back down the road toward the Tube station.
She wonders, briefly, if she should invite him in. But even as she considers it, she knows it won’t work. Her head, her flat, her life, are full of John. There’s no room for this man. Perhaps what she actually feels for him is sisterly, and only mildly confused by the fact that he is not exactly ugly.
He’s studying her face again, and she has the unnerving suspicion that her deliberation was written on her face.
“I’d better go,” he says.
“Yes,” she says. “Thanks again, though.”
“No problem. I’ll see you at work.” He kisses her cheek, then turns and half jogs toward the station. She watches him go, feeling oddly bereft.
Ellie makes her way up the stone steps and reaches for her key. She will reread the new letter and go through the papers, checking for clues. She’ll be productive. She’ll channel her energies. She feels a hand on her shoulder and jumps, stifling a scream.
John is on the step behind her, a bottle of champagne and a ridiculously large bunch of flowers under one arm. “I’m not here,” he says. “I’m in Somerset, giving a lecture to a writers’ group, who are talentless and include at least one interminable bore.” He stands there as she catches her breath. “You can say something—as long as it’s not ‘Go away.’ ”
She’s mute.
He puts the flowers and champagne on the step and pulls her into his arms. His kiss has the warmth of his car. “I’ve been sitting over there for almost half an hour. I started to panic that you weren’t coming home at all.”
Everything inside her melts. She drops her bag, feels his skin, his weight, his size, and allows herself to fall against him. He takes her cold face in his warm hands. “Happy birthday,” he says, when they finally pull apart.
“Somerset?” she says, a little giddy. “Does that mean . . . ?”
“All night.”
It’s her thirty-second birthday, and the man she loves is there with champagne and flowers and is going to spend all night in her bed.
“So, can I come in?” he says.
She frowns at him in a way that says, Do you really need to ask? Then she picks up the flowers, the champagne, and heads upstairs.
Chapter 19
“Ellie? May I have a word?”
She’s sliding her bag under her desk, her skin still moist from the shower she had not half an hour previously, her thoughts still elsewhere. Melissa’s voice, from the glass office, is hard, a brutal reentry into real life.
“Of course.” She nods and smiles obligingly. Someone has left a coffee for her; it’s lukewarm, has obviously been there some time. There is a note underneath it, addressed to “Jayne Torvill,” that reads: “Lunch?”
She has no time to digest this. She has whipped off her coat, is walking into Melissa’s office, noting with dismay that the features editor is still standing. She perches on a chair and waits as Melissa walks slowly round her desk and sits down. She’s wearing a pair of velvety black jeans and a black polo-neck, and has the toned arms and stomach of someone who does several hours of Pilates every day. She sports what the fashion pages would call “statement jewelry,” which Ellie assumes is just a trendy way of saying “big.”
Melissa lets out a little sigh and stares at her. Her eyes are a startling violet, and Ellie wonders briefly whether she’s wearing colored contact lenses. They’re the exact shade of her necklace. “This isn’t a conversation I’m entirely comfortable having, Ellie, but it’s become unavoidable.”
“Oh?”
“It’s nearly a quarter to eleven.”
“Ah. Yes, I—”
“I appreciate that Features is considered the more relaxed end of the Nation, but I think we’re generally agreed that a quarter to ten is pretty much the absolute latest I want my staff at their desks.”
“Yes, I—”
“I like to give my writers a chance to prepare themselves for conference. That gives them time to read the day’s newspapers, check the Web sites, talk, inspire, and be inspired.” She swivels a little in her seat, checks an e-mail. “It’s a privilege to be in conference, Ellie. A chance a lot of other writers would be very glad to have. I’m finding it hard to see how you can possibly be prepared to a professional degree if you’re skidding in here minutes beforehand.”
Ellie’s skin prickles.
“With wet hair.”
“I’m very sorry, Melissa. I had to wait in for a plumber, and—”
“Let’s not, Ellie,” she says quietly. “I’d rather you didn’t insult my intelligence. And unless you’re going to be able to convince me that you have a plumber in attendance almost every other day of the week, I’m afraid I have to conclude that you’re not taking this job very seriously.”
Ellie swallows.
“Our Web presence means there’s no place to hide on this newspaper anymore. Every writer’s performance can be judged not just by the quality of their work on our print pages, but by the number of hits their stories get online. Your performance, Ellie,” she consults a piece of paper in front of her, “has dropped by almost forty percent in a year.”
Ellie can say nothing. Her throat dries. The other editors and writers are congregating outside Melissa’s office, clutching oversize notepads and polystyrene cups. She watches them glance through the glass at her, some curious, some vaguely embarrassed, as if they know what is happening to her. She wonders, briefly, if her work has been a wider topic of conversation and feels humiliated.
Melissa is leaning across her desk. “When I took you on, you were hungry. You were ahead of the game. It was why I picked you above any number of other regional reporters who, frankly, would have sold their grandmothers to be in your position.”
“Melissa, I’ve—”
“I don’t want to know what’s going on in your life, Ellie. I don’t want to know if you have personal problems, if someone close to you has died, if you’re in mountains of debt. I don’t even particularly want to know if you’re seriously ill. I just want you to do the job you’re paid to do. You must know by now that newspapers are unforgiving. If you don’t pull in the stories, we don’t get the advertising or, indeed, the circulation figures. If we don’t get those things, we’re all out of a job, some of us sooner than others. Am I making myself clear?”
“Very clear, Melissa.”
“Good. I don’t think there’s any point in you coming to conference today. Get yourself sorted out, and I’ll see you in the meeting tomorrow. How’s that love-letters feature coming along?”
“Good. Yes.” She’s standing, trying to look as if she knows what she’s doing.
“Right. You can show me tomorrow. Please tell the others to come in on your way out.”
At a little after twelve thirty she runs the four flights of stairs down to the library, her mood still dark, the joys of the previous evening forgotten. The library is like an empty warehouse. The shelves are now bare around the counter, the misspelled paper notice ripped off, only two sides of Scotch tape remaining. Behind the second set of swing doors she can hear furniture being dragged. The chief librarian is running a finger down a list of figures, his glasses tilted at the end of his nose.
“Is Rory around?”
“He’s busy.”
“Can you tell him I can’t meet him for lunch?”
“I’m not sure where he is.”
She feels anxious about Melissa noticing she’s not at her desk.
“Well, are you likely to see him? I need to tell him that I’ve got to go out on this feature. Can you tell him I’ll pop down at the end of the day?”
“Perhaps you should leave him a note.”
“But you said you didn’t know where he was.”
He looks up, his brow lowered. “Sorry, but we’re in the final stages of our move. I don’t have time to be passing on messages.” He sounds impatient.
“Fine. I’ll just head up to Personnel and waste their time asking for his mobile number, shall I? Just so I can make sure I don’t stand him up and waste his time.”
He holds up a hand. “I’ll tell him if I see him.”
“Oh, don’t trouble yourself. So sorry to have bothered you.”
He turns slowly toward her and fixes her with what her mother might have termed an old-fashioned look. “We in the library may be considered something not far short of an irrelevance by you and your ilk, Miss Haworth, but at my age I stop a little short of office dogsbody. Forgive me if that inconveniences your social life.”
She remembers, with a start, Rory’s claim that the librarians can all put a face to a byline. She doesn’t know this man’s name.
She blushes as he disappears through the swing doors. She’s cross with herself for behaving like a stroppy teenager, cross with the old man for being so uncooperative. Cross that Melissa’s icy assessment means she can’t have a cheerful lunch outside on a day that had started so well. John had stayed till almost nine o’clock. The train from Somerset didn’t get in until a quarter to eleven, he said, so there was no point in racing off. She had cooked him scrambled eggs on toast—almost the only thing she can cook well—and sat there in bed blissfully stealing bits from his plate as he ate it.
They had spent a whole night together only once before, back in the early days of their relationship when he had claimed to be obsessed with her. Last night, it had been like those early days: he had been tender, affectionate, as if his impending holiday had made him extra sensitive to her feelings.
She didn’t talk about it: if this past year has taught her one thing, it is to live in the present. She immersed herself in every moment, refusing to cloud it by considering the cost. The fall would come—it always did—but she usually collected enough memories to cushion it a little.