‘Did anyone tell Chalkie?’
‘No. But I think that was out of sympathy for him. Oh, some chose to ignore it. I suppose when you’ve been so near death people’s reputations cease to matter. But they all knew how he felt about me, and he was fragile. The men are loyal to each other . . . It comes out in strange ways sometimes.’
‘But the nurses did what I did in judging you?’
‘Most of them, yes. I think the matron took a different view. We’d worked together for a long time. She knew me – she knew me as something else. She just told me I should make the most of what he had given me. Not many people get a second chance in life.’
Avice lay down and stared at the ceiling. ‘I suppose she was right. No one has to know. No one has to know . . . anything.’
Frances raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. ‘Even after all this?’
Avice shrugged. ‘England’s a big place. There are a lot of people. And Chalkie will look after you now.’
As Frances failed to reply, Avice asked, ‘No one told him in the end, did they? Not after all that?’
‘No,’ Frances said. ‘No one told him.’
On the other side of the door, where he had been listening, still holding two stone-cold tin mugs of tea, the marine moved his head gently away from the hard surface, and closed his eyes.
23
There were romances and several weddings took place and, as it was Dutch Territory, many pieces of paper had to be signed . . . The dentist usually made the wedding ring with his drill, and wedding frocks ranged from creations out of white mosquito nets to AANS ward uniform . . . According to army policy, the bride returned to Australia soon after.
A Special Kind of Service Joan Crouch
Morotai, Halmaheras Islands, 1946
‘I know it’s irregular,’ said Audrey Marshall, ‘but you saw them. You saw what it’s done to her.’
‘I find it all rather hard to believe.’
‘She was a child, Charles. Fifteen, from what she told me.’
‘He’s very fond of her, I’ll grant you.’
‘So what harm would it do?’
The matron pulled open a drawer and took out a bottle of pale brown liquid. She held it up and he nodded, declining the addition of chlorinated water that sat in a jug on her desk. They had meant to talk earlier, but there had been an accident on the road to the American radar unit: a jeep had collided with a Dutch supplies lorry and overturned, killing one man and injuring two others. Captain Baillie had spent more than an hour with the Dutch authorities, filling in forms and discussing the incident with the Dutch CO. One of the men had been his batman; he was shaken and exhausted.
He took a sip, plainly not wanting to have to consider this new problem on top of everything else. ‘It could cause all sorts of trouble. The man doesn’t know his own mind.’
‘He knows he loves her. It would make him happy. And, besides, what can she do? She can’t stay in nursing now everyone knows. She can’t stay in Australia.’
‘Oh, come on, it’s a big place.’
‘Someone found her here, didn’t they?’
‘I don’t know . . .’
Matron leant over the desk. ‘She’s a good nurse, Charles. A good girl. Think what she’s done for your men. Think of Petersen and Mills. Think of O’Halloran and those wretched sores.’
‘I know.’
‘What harm? The boy’s got no money, has he? You said he had no family to speak of.’ Her voice dropped a little. ‘You know as well as I do how ill he is.’
‘And you know I’ve tried jolly hard to discourage this kind of thing. All that bloody paperwork for a start.’
‘You’re on good terms with the Dutch. You’ve told me yourself. They’ll sign whatever you hand them.’
‘You’re convinced that this is a sensible idea?’
‘It would bring him some happiness and give her a lifeline. She’d be entitled to go to England. She’ll make a superb nurse over there. What harm can that do?’
Charles Baillie sighed deeply. He put down his glass on the desk and turned to the woman opposite. ‘It’s hard to refuse you anything, Audrey.’
She smiled with the satisfaction of someone who knows the battle is won. ‘I’ll do what I have to do,’ she said.
The chaplain was a pragmatic man. Weary of the pain and suffering he had seen, he had been easily persuaded to help. The young nurse, a favourite of his, was a perfect illustration of the redemptive powers of marriage, he told himself. And if it enabled the poor soul beside her to be even partly lifted from the horrors of his last weeks, he felt pretty sure his God would understand. When the matron had thanked him, he had replied that he thought the Almighty was more of a pragmatist than any of them knew.
Congratulating themselves on their solution, and with perhaps the faintest curiosity as to how their plan would be received by its subjects, the three sat in the matron’s office long enough to celebrate their good sense with another drink. For medicinal purposes, of course, the matron said with a grin, remarking on the pallor of Captain Baillie’s face. She couldn’t stand to see a man with a pale face: she always wanted to check them for blood disorders.
‘Only problem with my blood is there’s not enough whisky in it,’ he muttered.
They toasted Sister Luke, her future husband, the end of the war and Churchill for good measure. Shortly after ten o’clock they walked out into the tented ward, a little more erect, a little less relaxed, as they stood before their charges.
‘She’s in B Ward,’ said the sister, who was reading a letter at the night desk.
‘With Corporal Mackenzie,’ said the matron, turning to Captain Baillie not a little triumphantly. It would work out well for everyone. ‘There, you see?’
They walked through the sandy pathway between the beds, careful not to wake those men already sleeping, then pushed back the curtain to enter the next ward, Captain Baillie pausing to slap, with a curse, the mosquito that had landed on the back of his neck. Then they stopped.
Sister Luke glanced up as she heard them enter. She looked at them with wide, unreadable eyes. She was leaning over Alfred ‘Chalkie’ Mackenzie’s bed, three-quarters of which was still covered by a mosquito net. She was pulling a white Navy-issue sheet over his face.
Avice was sleeping when the marine returned with two new, still-hot cups of tea. He knocked twice and entered, watching his feet as he crossed the little room. He placed the two mugs on the table between the beds. He had been half hoping that the WSO would be with them.
Frances had been standing over Avice and jumped, evidently having not expected to see him. A little colour rose to her cheeks. He thought she looked exhausted. A few hours ago he might have given in to the urge to touch her. Now, having heard her words, he knew he would not. He moved back towards the door and stood, legs apart, shoulders square, as if to reaffirm something to himself.
‘I – I wasn’t expecting you,’ she said. ‘I thought you’d been called off to do something else.’
‘I’m sorry I took so long.’
‘Dr Duxbury’s given me the all-clear. I’m just getting my things together so I can go back. Avice will probably spend tonight in here. I may come back to make sure she’s okay. They’re a bit overstretched.’
‘She all right?’
‘She’ll get there,’ Frances said. ‘I was going to find Maggie. How is she?’
‘Not too good. The dog . . .’
‘Oh.’ Her face fell. ‘Oh, no. And she’s all by herself?’
‘I’m sure she’d be glad of your company.’ She still hadn’t changed her clothes and he ached to wipe the dark smudge from her cheek. His hand tightened behind him.
She stepped forward, glanced back at the sleeping Avice. ‘I thought about what you said,’ she said, her voice low and conspiratorial, ‘that the war has made us all do things we’re not proud of. Until you said that, I had always thought I was the only one . . .’
He had not anticipated this. He took a step backwards, not trusting himself to speak, half wanting to cry to her not to go on. Half desperate to hear her words.
‘I know we haven’t always been able to speak . . . honestly. That it’s . . . complicated, and that other loyalties might not always . . .’ She tailed off, and her eyes flashed up at him. ‘But I wanted to thank you for that. You’ve . . . I’ll always be glad you told me. I’ll always be so grateful that we met each other.’ The last words were rushed, as if she had had to force them out while she still had the courage to say them.
He felt suddenly small, wretched. ‘Yes. Well,’ he said, when he could form words, ‘it’s always nice to have made a friend.’ He felt mean even opening his mouth as he added, ‘Ma’am.’
There was a little pause.
‘Ma’am?’ she repeated.
The shy smile had disappeared; a movement so delicate he thought only he could have detected it. I have no choice, he wanted to shout at her. It is for you I’m doing this.
She searched his face. What she found there made her look down and away from him.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’ve got to go now. Things to do. But . . . you’ll like England.’
‘Thank you. I’ve heard a lot about it from the lectures.’
The rebuke in her words felt like a blow. ‘Look . . . I hope you’ll always think of me . . .’ his hands were rigid at his sides ‘. . . as your friend.’ That word had never sounded so unwelcome.
She blinked a little too swiftly, and in shame he made himself look away.
‘That’s very kind, but I don’t think so, Marine,’ she said. She let out a small breath, then turned, and began to refold the clothes in the little pile on her bed. Her voice, when it shot back, was sharp with hurt: ‘After all, I don’t even know your name.’
Margaret stood towards the aft end of the flight deck by the lashings, a cardigan stretched round her thickened waist, a headscarf trying and failing to stop her hair whipping too hard round her face. Her back was to the bridge and her head was dipped over the bundle in her arms.
The skies were grey now, rain-laden clouds hanging heavy and sullen in the sky. Huge, wheeling albatross tailed the boat, riding the therms as if they were attached by invisible wires. From time to time she looked down at the little bundle and more tears plopped on to the woollen fabric, darkening it in small, irregular spots. She wiped them gently with a thumb and uttered another silent apology to the stiff little body.
The wind and her headscarf meant that she didn’t hear Frances arrive beside her. When she saw her she could not be sure how long she’d been there. ‘Burial at sea,’ she said. ‘Just trying to pluck up the courage to actually do it, you know?’
‘I’m so sorry, Maggie.’ Frances’s eyes were bleak. The hand she reached out to Margaret was tentative.
Margaret wiped her eyes with her palm. She shook her head and let out a little ‘Gah!’ of despair at her inability to control herself.
There seemed to be no clear distinction between the sea and the sky; the dark, unwelcoming seas lightened at the far horizon, greyed, then disappeared into the rolling clouds. It was as if they were sailing towards nothing; as if navigation itself could only be an act of blind faith.
Some time later, long before she felt ready, Margaret stepped forward. She hesitated for a moment, holding the little body tight to her, tighter than she would have dared if there had still been life in it.
Then she stooped, a little noise escaped her throat, and she dropped the little bundle into the sea. There was no sound.
She held the rail with white-knuckled fingers, even now shocked at how far above the waves she stood, fighting the urge to stop the ship, to retrieve what she had lost. The sea seemed suddenly too huge, a cold betrayal rather than a peaceful end. Her arms felt unbearably empty.