“Wow, you should see someone about that face, it looks bad,” Zach suggested, grinning.
Luke seemed to tense as he stepped closer to me, his eyes not leaving Zach’s. “What are you doing here?” he spat.
Zach’s eyes flicked to me as he shrugged. “Just screwing your ex again,” he replied coolly.
“Goodbye, Zach!” I interjected before they could get into an argument about it again.
Zach laughed and winked at me as I practically pushed him out of the front door. “Tell your brother I said bye, and thank your mom for dinner.” I nodded in acknowledgement and practically shut the door in his face which made him laugh again outside.
I chewed on my lip and looked back to see Luke looking at me expectantly, obviously waiting for an explanation. Well screw him, I didn’t owe him anything, he should know me better. “Let’s go upstairs and talk then,” I suggested, ignoring the tense atmosphere. He was so jealous that his jaw was twitching where he was grinding his teeth together.
I walked off without waiting for him, heading to my bedroom, dreading this whole conversation. It was necessary though, I needed to find out if he felt like he’d been taken advantage of, because this whole situation would change if he did.
When we got in my room I sat on my desk chair because I didn’t want to sit too close to him. He trotted over and sat on my bed, looking at his hands, his shoulders slumped. I took a deep breath and tried to come up with words that would actually make sense, but my mind was too jumbled to form a coherent sentence.
“So, I just… about Friday… and…” I closed my eyes and willed my mouth to work.
“Maisie, baby, I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
I nodded; I knew he was sorry, his whole posture and attitude was showing me how much he regretted it. “I know. I just figured I should talk to you about it and find out what happened.”
He sighed and closed his eyes letting his head drop down so he was looking at his lap.
“Luke, just tell me what happened on Friday night. In your words. I don’t want you to tell me what I want to hear, I want you to tell me what you felt happened, okay?” I suggested, just needing to get this done already so I would know one way or the other.
He ran a hand through his hair, not looking at me as he spoke, “I was drunk, really drunk. I don’t remember much of it, but I started to feel sick and managed to get upstairs to Ricky’s bathroom before I puked. When I turned around she was there, leaning on the door frame, smiling.” He looked up at me then with a pained expression on his face. “I just remember thinking that I wanted to go home. I was washing my hands and I was going to come and get you to see if we could leave. But she started taking her shirt off and I was a little too shocked to do anything. Then she kind of threw herself at me I guess, I don’t really know, it was all happening so fast. I didn’t think about anything else, my head was swimming, and nothing seemed to matter and she was so insistent and was undressing me. I just,” he winced and shook his head, “I’m sorry.”
My heart was hurting so much as I started to imagine how that happened. I imagined her lips on his, her tongue in his mouth. My lungs felt like they were constricting, so my breathing was a little shallow. “Luke, you said that you were at the hospital, and that someone put something in your drink,” I said, trying to get the information out of him without saying the words.
He nodded. “I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. I would never cheat on you, baby. You’re my life. I love you more than anything,” he promised, looking at me pleadingly.
“So, you didn’t know what you were doing? You were drugged and didn’t know what you were doing?” I asked, bracing myself for his answer.
He frowned. “Maisie, I don’t know what you’re getting at. What is it that you’re asking? If you want to know if I regret it, then the answer is yes. If you want to know if I’ll ever cheat on you again, then the answer is never. I promise this was a onetime thing. I can’t lose you, please?”
I took a deep breath and looked at him as I asked the thing that I couldn’t stop thinking about since lunchtime. “Luke, did she take advantage of you? You said you wouldn’t have done it if you weren’t drugged. Do you feel like she,” I took a deep breath, “raped you?”
He recoiled, seeming a little taken aback by my question. He didn’t speak for a minute or two, and I felt like the silence was killing me slowly. He was obviously thinking about his answer, a thoughtful expression covered his face as he looked at his hands. Finally, he shook his head. “Not really,” he admitted.
Part of me was glad for him. The emotional turmoil he would feel if he’d answered yes would have been hard for him to deal with, so I was glad that he didn’t feel like that. The extremely selfish part of me, the part that was hoping for my boyfriend back, was a little disappointed. I hated myself for being so nasty, but if he’d answered differently then I would have thrown my arms around his neck and given him my full support. I would have Luke, sure it would be hard to work past, he would have had a lot to deal with, but we would have gotten through it together.
“You felt like you were in control and you could have stopped it if you wanted to?” I questioned, just needing to make sure he was okay.
He nodded. “I have the strong feeling that if I’d said that she’d taken advantage that I wouldn’t be facing losing you right now,” he muttered. Luke always was smart with things like that.
I frowned and shrugged. “You didn’t answer differently, so,” I trailed off not knowing what else to say.
“Maisie, is there anything I can do? Anything?” he asked, looking at me pleadingly.
“I love you, I really do,” I replied. “But you did that knowing I was downstairs, knowing that she wasn’t me, knowing that I would never do that to you. Yet you still did it. That hurts so much, Luke.” I willed the tears not to fall in front of him, there was no doubt I would be crying myself to sleep later, but for right now I was trying to be strong. “I just don’t know if I can forget this. I want to hate you, I want to punch you in the face and scream at you. I want to hurt you like you’ve hurt me.”
He moved off of the bed then and knelt in front of me. “Do it then. Hit me, scream at me, do whatever you need. Please, just give me one more chance. Just please don’t let this be it,” he begged.
His beautiful brown eyes that I loved so much locked on mine and I didn’t want to say this was it; I didn’t want to completely cut it off with him. I actually didn’t know if I could forgive him, but I couldn’t rule it out. “I don’t know. I’m so confused. I love you; I honestly still love you, but…”
“But you don’t want to be with me,” he whispered. A pained expression crossed his face; it was like devastation, like I’d just taken everything important away from him. I knew I was probably the only person that knew Luke properly. He had no one else really, his family were hardly ever around, and his friends only got to see the showy side of him. I was probably the only one he had ever opened up to. I was probably the only one that knew the real Luke Hannigan. The thought of him being alone if I cut him off, was actually painful to me. I hated the thought of him being sad. I really loved him too much for my own good.
“Maybe we could be friends? See what happens?” I suggested, wanting to take the hopeless and hurt look off of his face. Didn’t everyone deserve a second chance? If I had made that mistake then I knew I would be begging him for another shot, just like he was right now.
His head snapped up, his eyes wide and hopeful. “Really? I’d love that, baby.” He put his hands on my knees, gripping tightly as he pushed himself up so our faces were on the same level. I gulped at his words, the familiar pet name sounded like melted chocolate coming out of his mouth. It shouldn’t make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, it shouldn’t make my heart race in my chest, and it shouldn’t make my stomach flutter. But it did. “I’d love the chance to win you back. As much as you don’t want to admit it, you and I are perfect for each other. You need me just as much as I need you,” he whispered.
My arms acted without my permission and wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer to me as I buried my face in the side of his neck, breathing in his smell that made my skin prickle and my stomach flutter. I knew I couldn’t just cut it off with him because my body’s reactions to him were involuntary. He was right, I did need him.
“Let’s just take it slow and be friends,” I repeated, putting emphasis around the word friends. He nodded, pressing his face into my hair as he wrapped his arms around me too, crushing me against his chest. I have no idea how long we stayed like that, unmoving, unspeaking, but it didn’t feel like long enough.
He pulled back and smiled his heart stopping smile. “I’d better go; your brother and dad are probably waiting to jump me outside or something. I can’t deny them the satisfaction of beating me to a pulp again. Your dad hasn’t even taken a swing yet, so I guess I need to allow that to make him feel better,” he said, laughing quietly.
I smiled at that, he was probably right there. “Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”
A small frown crossed his face. “Think I could pick you up in the morning? Drive you to school?” he asked hopefully. “As friends of course,” he added the last part quickly.
I gulped; I wasn’t ready for that kind of thing yet. It was hard enough being at school with everyone knowing and gossiping about me and him; I couldn’t show up with him and spark more rumours about us. People would already be wondering why it was that we were being friends; I couldn’t show up with him too.
“I think I should ride with Alex.”
He sighed and nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you at school then.” Before I could protest, he leant in and pressed his lips against mine. The familiar sparks and little bursts of heat rushed through my body because of how perfectly his lips fitted mine. Then it was over. He pulled back and smiled at me sadly before he stood up and stroked his hand down the side of my face. “I’ll wait as long as you need. I love you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I said nothing. He took that as his cue to leave and walked off; leaving me watching the place that I last saw his body. I touched my lips; I could still feel the ghost of his kiss there. Running my tongue over my bottom lip, I could still taste him.
I forced myself to go downstairs to spend some time with my family. It was obvious they were worried about me. It took longer than I thought to assure my ape of a brother that I wasn’t forgiving Luke too fast, and that we weren’t back together. It took even longer to get him to agree not to shove his fist down Luke’s throat.
I made small talk with my parents about Zach’s tutoring schedule. Finally, after faking that I was okay for another half an hour, I excused myself to bed. As I curled in the sheets I could feel the sadness trying to creep over me again. As soon as I was in the darkness my mind drifted to Luke again. I willed myself to fall asleep quickly, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I cried for another half an hour before drifting into a shallow and uneasy slumber.
Chapter 11
When morning finally came I felt terrible because of barely sleeping. I was on auto-pilot as I dressed and trudged to Alex’s car. As we pulled into the parking lot of the school I spotted Luke sitting on the hood of his car, three spaces down. His friends were all hanging around him, talking, but he seemed a little distracted. When we pulled into the space he sprung away from his car and headed over, a smile stretching across his face. I watched the way his unbuttoned black shirt blew in the light wind, the white T-shirt stuck to his body showing off how sculpted he was from all the football he played. I watched the way the smile showed off his pearly white teeth and strong jaw. I sighed sadly. He still had an effect on my body; I was still incredibly attracted to him. The trouble was I also noticed how the other girls looked at him too. They had always looked, but before I’d been confident in his affections so them looking had never bothered me; I didn’t get jealous because I trusted him. Now though I felt a little sick with jealousy.
Alex said his goodbyes as he eyed up a group of girls who were standing off to one side. He was obviously choosing his weekly target. What with all the excitement yesterday and fighting with Zach, I guess he didn’t get to make a move on many girls.
Luke reached the car just as I closed my door. “Hey, baby,” he greeted. His hand moved to take mine so I shied away slightly which made his face fall. “Sorry,” he muttered, letting his hand drop to his side as he kicked his shoes on the ground.
“Morning,” I replied, trying to ignore the way he looked so sad.
“Morning.”
I laughed uncomfortably, and flicked my eyes around to see that everyone was watching us. Some people were discreetly watching but pretending to do something else, some people looked away quickly as I glanced in their direction, others were outright staring with their mouths open. “Well, this is awkward,” I muttered, chewing on my lip.
Luke smiled at me apologetically. “Shall I walk you in, or…?” he trailed off, looking at me hopefully.
I took a deep breath and forced a smile even though I felt like crying. “Sure. Oh, did you get your assignment done for English?” I asked, trying to change the subject. I was pretty sure he had an essay to hand in today.
He smiled at me gratefully, probably because I was making an effort to be friends. We talked a little awkwardly as he walked me into the building. I kept my hands firmly gripped onto the straps of my schoolbag because his hands were swinging dangerously close to mine. People were watching as we walked past and I tried my best not to see them - well, I tried to pretend like I didn’t see them anyway.