I flinch away. “I . . . I didn’t mean to intrude. If you’d rather be al—”
“Did you come to torment me?”
“What?” Well, yes, maybe a little. “I know you’re angry at me, but I’m not sure why.”
He’s gripping his dagger too tightly, and his next stroke lops off the tip of his spear. He sighs. Dagger still in hand, he wipes his brow with his wrist. He says, “I’m not angry at you. Mostly at myself.”
“Oh?”
He opens his mouth to say something but changes his mind. Instead he whittles at his ruined stick, and I recognize the expression as the one he wears when chewing on a particularly tough problem.
Finally he says, “Honesty in all things, right?”
“Yes, please.” But I’m coiling in on myself, trying to make my heart a stone, because I have no idea what he’s going to say.
He stares out across the moon-glass bay. “It was difficult for me today,” he says, “to stand guard for you. To hear you laughing and splashing with Mara, knowing you were . . . bathing. Very . . .”
“Oh,” I breathe. “I see.”
“The most important thing I do is protect you. I would die to keep you safe.” He’s gripping his dagger so tightly his knuckles are turning white. “But you make it very difficult. Sometimes you can’t help it, of course. But sometimes you can.”
“I don’t understand.” I don’t know why, but my chest tightens with shame. “I’ve been taking your advice. I’m taking fewer risks. . . .”
He lets the dagger and spear drop into the sand and twists to straddle the log. His eyes are very close when he says, “I can’t defend against you.”
My heart is a drum in my chest.
His forefinger reaches toward me, to my cheek, gently sweeps a strand of hair behind my ear. From there his finger trails along my jawline, up to my mouth.
My lips part. My whole body buzzes.
“I told you I wouldn’t let it interfere with my work. But every time you smile at me, and especially when you look at me the way you’re looking at me right now, everything disappears.” His thumb sweeps across my bottom lip, down my chin. His voice is low and dark as he says, “When it happens, I’m not guarding you anymore. Your enemy could come up behind me, and I would never know, because all I’m thinking about is how badly I want you.”
My heart sings. I stare at his mouth. It’s beautiful, with full pale lips set off by his sun-darkened skin. I would only have to lean the tiniest bit to close the distance between us.
He starts to back away.
In desperation, I blurt, “Mara says I should take you as my lover.”
His indrawn breath is as sharp and hard as if I’ve wounded him. My face fills with heat, and I can’t bear to look at his face. I’m embarrassed at my own weakness, unable to say such an important thing straight out. I want you as my lover, I should have said. But I can’t bring the words to my lips, because if he says no, he’ll be saying no to me, instead of merely to Mara’s idea.
But he’ll have none of that. “Elisa. Are you asking?”
Panic and hope war inside me. It’s up to me, as it has always been. I can ask him or not. Asking him is terrifying. But not asking would be so much worse.
“Yes, I’m asking. Hector, I—”
With a swift motion, he cups the back of my head and presses his warm lips to mine. The pit of my stomach drops away as I open my mouth to his.
He groans, wrapping his other arm around my waist, pulling me toward him until I am almost in his lap. I arch against him; my breath comes fast as he explores my mouth. Before, his kisses were patient and sweet. But there is nothing of sweetness in him now, just heat and desperate need.
He tangles his fingers in my hair and yanks my head back, breaking our kiss. I let out a little “Oh!” of disappointment, but then he’s sliding his mouth along my jaw, to the pulse at my throat. “Elisa,” he murmurs. “I’ve wanted to do this for a long, long time.”
His words send me spiraling with dizzy gladness. I clutch at his hair—it’s even softer than I imagined—and press my lips to the top of his head. I close my eyes, wanting to memorize this perfect moment, and I breathe deeply of leather oil and fresh-washed jungle and something a little sharper, something distinctly Hector.
His lips brush my collarbone and then dip lower, toward my br**sts. I slide my hands to the hem of his shirt and start to pull, desperate for more, more skin, more him.
He freezes. Then he pushes me away.
“Hector?” I gasp out, suddenly aching and bereft.
He closes his eyes tight, takes a deep breath. Opens them. They are huge and warm and . . . wet? as he whispers, “Elisa . . . I . . .”
Why did he stop? Did I do something wrong?
He tries again. “I can’t. I won’t.” He slides back, putting cold hard space between us.
I pull my knees to my chest, curl into a tight ball. This is what I’ve feared, why it was so hard to ask. I find myself shaking my head against whatever comes next.
“I need to explain,” he says.
I find a tatter of pride and say, “No, you don’t owe me an—”
“I said I need to explain.”
I rest my chin on my knee to steady myself. “All right.”
He says, “You have every possible power over me.”
“What?”
“You have the power of a dear friend, you have all the power that a beautiful woman has over a man who loves her, and most importantly, you are my sovereign. You have the power to command me in everything.”
Something about his choice of words makes me angry. “You have plenty of power over me too,” I say.
But it’s like a dam of control has burst, and he hardly hears me for needing to get out all the thoughts that have been spinning in his head.
“Have I told you about my parents?” he asks. “They’re best friends. Partners in everything.” His eyes grow distant as he talks, and his mouth curves into a sad smile. “I’ve watched them my whole life, the way they are with each other. So easy and natural. They finish each other’s sentences. They can exchange a look across the dining table and instantly know what the other is thinking.”
The gaze he turns on me is fierce, like he’s desperate for me to understand. “Neither is subject to the other; they’re more like two halves of a whole. And that intertwining of lives, of being, it’s amazing to see. Being lovers . . . it feels like it would be such a big thing, yes?”
God, yes.
“But it’s only the littlest bit of who they are together. And theirs is the only kind of love I could have with you. Anything else makes me less.” He takes a deep breath, as if steeling himself. “I won’t become a helpless marionette or a temporary diversion for my queen.”
Pain blooms beneath my breastbone, because I’m starting to understand.
He grabs my hands. I lower my knees and let him draw me toward him until our foreheads touch. “I understand how careful you have to be with your alliances right now. So when we get back from this, you’ll marry someone else. I will too. Maybe your sister. We might be able to arrange a tryst on occasion, and God, part of me thinks I should do anything, anything, if it means having you once in a while. But it wouldn’t be enough.” His thumbs caress my knuckles. “Don’t you see, Elisa? I love you the way a drowning man loves air. And it would destroy me to have you just a little.”
I choke on a sob, and tears leak from my eyes. It’s the cruelest of cruelties, for him to love me so deeply but refuse to have me.
He lifts his fingers toward my face and gently, so gently, wipes a tear from my cheek. He says, “I’m glad to know, though, that you think of me that way. I’ll always remember that.”
Grief threatens to strangle me. I have to push it away before I dissolve into a puddle of despair.
I blurt, “I just started taking lady’s shroud. Isn’t that silly of me?” I mean to sound cavalier, like I’m ready to laugh at myself and move on. But my face flames as soon as the words are in the air.
He grasps my hands and rises, pulling me to my feet. “You’ve been thinking about this a lot,” he says, a touch of wonder in his voice.
I nod, swallowing against further tears. “At least as much as you have.”
“Oh, I doubt that very much.” And suddenly he’s kissing me again, a deeper, longer kiss, and it’s a good thing our arms are wrapped around each other, because I don’t think I could stand on my own.
I want the moment to last forever, but of course it can’t. This time, when he pushes me away, I’m ready for it. I slide my arms from his shoulders, let them fall to my sides.
He takes a step back. We regard each other solemnly.
He says, “I won’t kiss you again.”
My vision wavers and the world tilts beneath my feet. I won’t kiss you again. Humberto said that to me once. It proved prophetic, for he died not long after.
Hector is turning his back, walking away from me. How can he, when my head still swims with his words and my skin still hums with his touch? When my heart feels as jagged as Godstone shards?
Something wells up inside me. Desperation, maybe, that I have loved and lost yet again. Or terror; people have a tendency to die after kissing me.
But no, neither of those. It’s rage.
I clench my hands into fists and yell, “Hector!”
He whips around.
“You were never, never, going to be just a diversion to me.”
He sighs, nodding. “That was unfair of me,” he says. “I’m sorr—”
“And you will kiss me again. That and more. Count on it.”
His mouth slams closed, and his eyes flare like a starving man’s.
I whirl and stride away.
Chapter 27
MORNING brings a light shower, but the skies clear quickly, and our tents steam with the scent of wet goat hair in the rising sun. Hector scurries easily up a nearby palm, using both feet and hands for leverage. He twists off several coconuts, which he drops to the ground. Mara bores holes in them and spices them with cinnamon and honey, and we sit around our too-damp fire pits and drink coconut milk for breakfast.
A group of sailors laden with axes sets off for a grove of acacia trees to cut timber for repairs, while Hector and Belén organize others to explore the island. Hector is shoving a water skin inside his pack when he says to me, “Stay within sight of someone at all times. Don’t go anywhere alone. If you sense danger, have someone row you out to the ship. I’ll be back by nightfall.”
I nod up at him helplessly, knowing I’m going to do the exact opposite of all those things, wishing I could kiss him one last time, or at least tell him how I feel. He deserves to know.
“Hector, I . . .” I’m not sure what stills my tongue. Guilt, maybe. “Be safe,” I finish lamely.
“You too.” His gaze drops to my lips. And then he hurries away, slinging his pack over his shoulder.
I sense Storm’s impossibly tall form at my back. He whispers, “Take me with you.”
I whirl on him, glaring.
“Please.” For once, his face is devoid of mockery or smugness. “I can sense it too, you know. Not like you can, I’m sure. But it’s close. We could find it by nightfall.”
“What makes you think I’m—”
“You love your people too much, little queen,” he says. “You won’t risk them. This is your only opportunity to slip away. He always watches you, you know. Like he’s a man dying of thirst in the desert and you’re his wavering mirage that stays just out of reach.”
“Storm!” I hate hearing it from him. He makes it sound so cheap and ridiculous.
“It must be hard for you. To do what you’re planning, knowing he may never forgive you when he finds out.”
I’m torn between the desire to strangle him and gratitude that there is at least one person I needn’t deceive. “Haven’t you ever loved someone, Storm? Besides yourself, I mean.”
His head lowers with something that might be regret. “Yes. Oh, yes.”
Something about his tone makes me soften toward him. “Then maybe you do know how hard this will be.”
“Does this mean you’ll take me with you?”
“Hector doesn’t trust you.”
“But you do.”
I sigh. It’s true, mostly. And if he can sense the zafira, nothing would stop him from sneaking away without me. “Yes, you can come.” At least this way, if one of us slips and breaks an ankle, the other can go get help. “No packs,” I tell him. “Gather as much food as you can carry in your pockets. I’ll meet you upstream in a bit. Try not to let anyone see you.”
I have as much right to walk through our campsite as anyone, but it feels as though every eye is on me as I return to my tent. From my pack, I grab my water skin, which I hook through the loop in my utility belt; pouches of dried jerky and dates, which go into the pocket of my pants; and my knife, which I shove down into my boot. I grab my crown too. It’s made of Godstones, after all. Maybe it will prove useful. No place to hide it, though. Reluctantly I put it back into my pack.
I feel bulgy and obvious as I make my way to the stream.
Mara sits on the edge atop a rocky outcropping. She holds a smooth gray stone in one hand and is grinding away at a thick brown root. Something spicy-sweet pricks at my nose. She looks up at me and says, “Ginger! A whole patch of it across the stream. I’m going to dry it out and take some home with us.”