“I got my reasons,” he finally murmured.
“You could have been a biker.”
“Could have.”
“And you chose Borden instead.”
He nodded slowly, his mouth remaining shut.
I cocked my head to the side, my loosened mind filled with questions. “You’re loyal to him, right?”
He looked back at me, his eyes filled with confusion. “You don’t think I am?”
“That first meeting with Hector, it got pretty intense.”
I saw the realization dawning. “You thought I’d protect my brother instead?”
I shrugged. “Would you have?”
“No.”
And that was all he was going to say on the matter. I don’t know why I believed him, but I did. Even though I didn’t trust my judgment anymore after Blythe, there was something so concrete about Hawke and his devotion to Borden.
“Why don’t you like me?” I then asked him curiously.
His lips twitched. “I don’t dislike you, Emma.”
“You’ve been an asshole to me.”
“Like Borden said before, I’m an asshole to everybody.”
“But you’re particularly mean to me. I’ve been with Borden for so long now, and he cares for me deeply. Wouldn’t you warm up to me because of him?”
His brown eyes shot to mine. “It’s because you’re with Borden I couldn’t warm up to you.”
“Why?”
“You could have been fooling him.”
I raised a brow. “I never wanted to be around him in the first place, Hawke.”
“You’re lying. I saw it that first night at the club when I dragged you to him. I saw the way you stared at him.”
“I was scared of him.”
“You were curious of him too.” He watched me carefully, reading the truth on my face. “Anyway, I saw what was happening. I didn’t want him to be distracted. I thought you’d be a phase. He never cared about girls, Emma. We’d send him an escort to his apartment all the time, and she’d come running back down ten minutes later, cursing him off. Some of them thought he was gay. Said nothing they tried to do got his dick twitching. Then you come along and suddenly he’s doing anything to get to you. It was a first.”
I felt my cheeks heat. “Yeah, well, now he’s in some room with a whole heap of women.”
“And you’re being a fucking idiot for worrying about it.”
“I’m just a girl. I can’t help myself.”
“Of all the things you should be stressing over being with a guy like him, it’s girls sauntering around him in the nude that’s done it? Come on, little one. Haven’t you ever stayed up nights wondering what the fuck you’re doing living in our world?”
“Yes,” I answered truthfully, feeling myself drawn into this conversation. I really needed to have it with somebody. Blythe would never understand, and Graeme never wanted to talk about it. “I used to stay up every night thinking about it. I question my sanity all the time. I wonder how I can love someone so crazy, and then I remember some of the things I used to do growing up. Things I’m not proud of, choices I made I don’t really regret, and I realize that maybe we’re all a little crazy too.”
“Borden’s killed people.”
“I know.”
“And you still love him?”
I nodded, looking into his solemn brown eyes. “Yes. Does that make me wrong?”
He didn’t respond for a moment, and then he chuckled. “Darling, what the fuck do I know about right and wrong? I grew up a biker, in a biker-infested culture, blood and gore all around me all the fucking time before I got thrown in prison for my own personal crimes. I’m not the right person to ask that question to.”
“I still want to know your opinion,” I pressed.
He paused, surprised by my urgency. “Yeah,” he finally said. “It’s wrong.” I looked down, frowning, when he added, “But sometimes wrong isn’t so bad. Sometimes it’s what a person needs. Sometimes two wrongs make a right.”
“But that’s not the way the saying goes.”
“Fuck the saying. It’s the truth.”
I felt my heart swell a little. He was talking to me like he genuinely cared about our conversation. I never knew I could go from hating somebody to wanting nothing more than to befriend them in a blink of an eye. I needed the hard truth. Maybe Graeme didn’t want me to hear it, but I could tell Hawke gave it straight all the time, regardless of who he was talking to.
“I’m sorry for being a dick to you,” Hawke added, contritely. “It’s how I am when I try to build boundaries.”
“Why do you need to build boundaries with me? If you were like this, we’d have gotten along so well right from the start.”
His smile vanished and he just stared at me. That stare spoke of a lot of things I didn’t want to say out loud for his own sake.
“What in the holy fuck!” screamed a familiar voice. We turned our heads and watched Linda reappear, her hands on her hips, glowering at us. “Would you turn down the goddamn volume? You realize the rest of us are working while you guys are drinking away like irresponsible shitheads? I’m in the process of hiring another bartender after Sonja decided to leave me fucking high and dry and I can’t fucking HEAR ANYTHING with that annoying shit on the stereo!”
But Graeme only turned to the stereo and cranked the music up even louder, drowning out the rest of the words coming out of her mouth. Her face reddened in anger. She flipped him off and angrily stormed out. We burst out laughing. Hell yeah! It was good to put her in her place. I stood on my stool and applauded Graeme for his efforts.
“Well done!” I hooted. I didn’t realize how tipsy I was until I tried to get back down. I lost balance and slipped off the head of the stool. Hawke’s arms caught me before I crashed to the floor, and he quickly situated me back on my feet. I was laughing at my stupidity, and he was smiling down at me and shaking his head.
“Thank you,” I said.
“What?” he shouted down at me.
I raised myself up on my tiptoes and shouted into his ear, “I said thank you!”
He nodded. “No problem!”
I stepped back from him and added, “And I’m sorry for calling you Chewbacca! You don’t look like him. I promise. You’re actually alright.”