He shook his head. “We beat her around a bit. Had to, but…didn’t kill her. Hector decided in the end that it was up to you what happens to her. If you want her gone, just say the word.”
Yeah, I wanted her gone. I wanted them to peel that lying skin off her face. Wanted her eyes carved out of her head. Wanted her burned and torn apart. I panted as the adrenaline continued to run its course.
“She might do it again,” Hawke added. “You can’t have that sort of threat around.”
He was right. I couldn’t have that threat around. Her life was in my hands, and I felt a rage so fierce it fucked with my idea of right and wrong.
“No,” I finally said roughly, trying to think clearly. “Don’t kill her. Tell her she needs to get the fuck away from New Raven. Threaten her that if she ever comes back, she’ll be sorry.”
“Okay. We’ll do that.”
“Would Borden have done that?”
“What do you think?”
I shook my head. “He wouldn’t.”
“You’re right. He would have had her killed for hurting you, but…he would understand your decision. He did the same thing to Kate’s father. He tried sneaking into the club with a gun.”
I stilled. “I remember that. It was him?”
“Yeah. Borden couldn’t go through with the kill. Too much history, like you and Blythe. Told him to leave and never come back. We’ll scare the girl. It’ll likely work and you’ll never have to deal with her again.”
Despite how angry I felt, it was still difficult to hear that. We had so much history, Blythe and I. So many hours spent talking, so many secrets exchanged, experiences shared. I kind of felt like I had to part from an important limb. Briefly, I wondered whether she just needed help. Maybe she was desperate and it wasn’t the real her that would sell me out, but a drug-deprived version of her.
Does it even matter? Borden is gone without a trace and she betrayed you.
“I know it’s hard,” Hawke said, noticing my struggle. “But this is where you get stronger.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “Just…get rid of her then.”
He stood back up. “How about I grab you something to eat?”
“No.”
He sighed. “Emma –”
“I can’t eat when he could be starving somewhere. I’m not even hungry.”
“He wouldn’t want you to be like this.”
I didn’t reply. He was right. If Borden knew I was this down, he’d be pissed. I imagined his pissed face, and I stifled another cry. I didn’t want to break down in front of him yet again.
“You don’t have to babysit me every time you get back,” I said.
“I promised you I wouldn’t leave you alone with the guys.”
“I’m in your room, and Tyler kept me company.”
He rolled his eyes at the mention of her. “Of course she did. Look, I’m going to get the boys to pick up some pizza. I’m bringing one up for you, and we’re going to sit and eat. Even if you don’t feel up to it, it’s important to try.”
“I don’t want –”
“I don’t care what you want. You’re under my roof now, Emma. You’re eating.”
He walked out before I said another word. As stubborn as I was, so was Hawke. I got off the bed and it took every bit of my willpower. I didn’t want to move at all. If were my choosing, I’d have been in a ball of pain, but I knew I had to be strong. I needed to clean myself up properly. I went into the bathroom and had a proper shower this time, washing my hair and brushing my teeth using toothpaste on the tip of my finger. And once again, I crumbled under the burning water. Just yesterday Borden was wrapped around me, kissing me. He’d made love to me. For goodness’ sake, my vagina still felt used! In a strange move, I cupped it and closed my eyes. I pushed my fingers inside myself just to feel how sore I was. I didn’t want to forget the ache he left behind in me, but the ache at the moment faded in the company of all the bruises down my back. Goddammit! Not even my body could cling to his touch, and that feeling of despair burned a hole through my chest.
“Please be okay,” I whispered out loud. “Please, Borden. I need you. I fucking need you so much.”
Feeling a wave of nausea at standing for so long, I sat back down on the tile floor and brought my knees to my chest. I used every bit of hot water.
I dressed in a loose fitted shirt and track pants I found in Tyler’s drawer. No bra, though, because mine was filthy and hers were too small. By the time I stepped out of the bathroom, nearly an hour later, Hawke was back in the room with a box of pizza and a litre of soda. He glimpsed at me before getting to work, putting a slice on a paper plate and filling up a plastic cup with the fizzy drink. He handed it to me just as I sat back on the bed.
“We’ll eat,” he said, “and then I’ll go back out there and keep looking.”
“Let me go with you.”
“No. You stay.”
“I’m already going stir crazy. I want to go out there and do something, Hawke. I feel stagnant.”
He grabbed a slice and collapsed on the opposite end of the bed with his back against the wall. Taking a massive bite, he repeated, “No. You stay. That’s the purpose of taking you in. And stop looking at me like that. We’re over our issues, let’s keep moving forward with our relationship.”
“You mean, you’re over hating me.”
“I already apologized to you,” he said, looking directly at me. I thought I saw heat there in his eyes, but they vanished in a blink of an eye and I was certain I was seeing things. At least, I hoped I was.
I looked down at my plate and my stomach rumbled as the smell of pepperoni wafted to my nose. He told me to quit staring at it and just eat it. I picked it up and nibbled on the tip. It was disgustingly good. The cheese practically melted on my tongue.
“Good girl,” he told me, smiling faintly at me.
I forced a few bites down, avoiding his eyes.
“They did a real number on you, didn’t they?” he remarked. “Your fucking eye looks killer. Does it hurt?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. “But it’s fine.”
He stepped off the bed and moved to the bathroom. I heard him rummaging in the cabinets before coming out. He moved to me and set two pills next to my pizza. “For the pain.”