“I fucked up,” I sobbed.
“You didn’t fuck up,” she stressed.
“I’m not strong enough for this.”
“You’re the strongest girl I know.”
I shook my head. “Not for this.”
“I know it’s been a long time since you’ve seen him, but I know those feelings haven’t died one bit. Which is why it’s important you watch this.”
I continued to shake my head. I had a chance, and I blew it.
No, I couldn’t think about that.
“I can’t live in a world that he’s not in, Mel,” I cried. “I can’t.”
She took me back to the couch and I collapsed next to her. The tears fell from my eyes ceaselessly. I couldn’t stomach looking at the television. Any minute they were going to tell me there were no survivors. It was going to happen and I was already mentally trying to prepare for something no person could ever really prepare for.
I did something I didn’t even believe in doing.
I prayed.
I’d make things right if he was alive.
I made that promise to myself, and I was going to stick by, it no matter what.
I wouldn’t do what I did two years ago.
I’ll make things right.
Two
Two years earlier…
Leah
2011
22 years old
What the hell was I doing here?
Despite looking like a dolled up groupie, I was a huge mess.
We bought standing tickets in the arena, and we were near the front of the stage. Melanie’s hand was in mine the entire time we’d been standing here, and I was sure she felt my shaking nerves. I was close to vomiting.
It’d been three years of zero communication, and now I was going to see him sing; something I hadn’t done in the flesh since the bar. I was scared shitless, and it was silly. Despite being so close to the stage, he wasn’t going to see me standing here among thousands of people. But I was going to see him, and that made my blood race with excitement and my heart pound in fear.
I heard chatter and laughter all around me, and I glanced at shaved heads, Mohawks, and crazily haired women. The tension was thick in the air, and the crowd was growing unsettled as the minutes closed and the show neared. I wanted to tell everyone to calm the fuck down. Their nerves were making mine worse, and I couldn’t act steady if I was in a room filled with restless anticipation.
You’re in a concert, you dumbass. What did you expect instead?
“We’re invisible, Leah,” Mel told me, leaning close enough, her mouth was skirting my ear. “He’s not going to see you! Just relax, okay?”
I nodded just as the lights in the entire arena went off.
I held my breath and stared around in the darkness, hearing the chaos multiply as the crowd began to cheer. What the hell was going on? I squeezed Melanie’s hand even harder, unsure of what was happening. I heard her hooting, like she knew exactly what. My adrenaline skyrocketed as I peered at the stage, trying to focus, but seeing nothing but black.
Black everywhere.
All around me.
All encompassing.
It seemed like it would never end.
Suddenly, bright lights erupted from all around the stage and a shockingly loud sound tore through the air, making me jump. All breath escaped me as I gawked up at the stage and saw Jared and Leo making their entrance, strumming the chords of their guitars in crazy fashion. The crowd lapped it up, waving their hands crazily, jumping up and down as a spotlight then shone over Rome. He started tapping his drumsticks over the drums, and the noise grew louder and louder.
I realized very quickly what was happening. A song was already starting, but where the hell was Carter?
Girls all around me suddenly screeched at the top of their lungs, and I desperately stared in the same direction they were… and then I saw him.
Carter.
Looking like a fucking rock god.
Moving slowly to the centre of the stage like he had all night to spare.
Jesus Christ, he looked good.
“How the fuck are you, Vancouver?” he suddenly said into the mic.
The noise was beyond deafening. Melanie jumped up and down, still holding my hand with one and waving her other hand wildly into the air. She was pure excitement, meanwhile I was nothing short of star-struck.
Yeah, star-struck.
He looked nothing like the boy I grew up with, or the boy that left me behind to follow his dreams. He looked pure man, all tall and broad, dishevelled dirty blond hair, skin already glistening like polished marble under the lights.
Fuck.
No, really, fuuuuuck.
He looked absolutely gorgeous. Breathtakingly gorgeous.
He was the kind of man you fantasized about as you lay awake at night. Rebellious, wild, sexually masterful; he was someone you snuck out the window and ran away with.
I should know. I did it.
I swallowed hard as he smiled at the crowd. Smiled. So bright, it lit up his face. He looked happy. He looked like he was doing what he loved. This was what he was born to do. I’d always known it, but seeing it…
My heart stilled and I put a hand over my mouth in pure disbelief. Hearing him on the radio was unimaginable. Watching his popular music videos online was exciting in its own right. But seeing him about to sing in the flesh again, in front of thousands of people, was nothing short of awe-inspiring.
“Is that really all you got?” he hounded the crowd, laughing heartily as they went berserk. “You know my hometown isn’t far from here, and you’re making me look bad right now! Seattle did a better job than you.”
I couldn’t hear my laugh. The people went haywire and I was sure this was the response he was looking for.
“That’s better! That’s what I wanted! Fuck yeah!”
I gaped at all the faces around me as the music that’d been playing in the background began to grow louder. I was surrounded by so much joy. Whatever problems existed in everyone’s lives had been left behind. They were living in the now, and that meant enjoying Fatal Rebellion’s magnetic pull.
I would realize later, there was something about them when they played you couldn’t put a finger on. They had that X-Factor, that secret nobody knew but could feel beneath the layer of music. Lots of people could sing and play an instrument if they truly set their mind to it, but very few could carry a crowd the way Carter and the guys did. That energy was inescapable. It seeped into your skin and ran through your veins, firing adrenaline, until you were nothing but a captivated observer, hanging onto every lyric.