Melanie took my phone out of my hand and turned it off for me. “It’s okay,” she whispered to me. “This is your first time flying, and after this, you’ll never be scared to do it again.”
She then offered me the puke bag and I eagerly snatched it from her. My anxiety roared inside of me, making my stomach churn.
We’re going to die.
“Just think, you’ll see Carter and this will all be worth it.”
“Unless he rejects me,” I retorted, breathing heavily.
“Not unless you grovel.”
“It doesn’t matter if I grovel or not. It might be too late. That Panda Bear girl is probably at his bedside right this very second.”
“She’s not with him,” Melanie stressed. “Rome said so.”
I froze. “You’re talking to Rome again?”
“Not for any other reason than to make sure Carter and you are alright.”
“That’s the lamest excuse ever.”
She didn’t respond to that. “Just relax and be cool. Take-off is going to be bumpy, but it’s going to be smooth sailing after that. Except for when we land because that shit’s bumpy too. Oh, and if we, you know, hit some turbulence, that is also bumpy. And if –”
“Okay,” I interrupted her. “I get it. It’s going to be bumpy.”
I rested my back against the seat as the plane finally began moving.
It was too late to turn back. I’d already taken time off work. I was going to see him, no matter what.
Or die.
“Okay, Leah,” Mel said, “hold my hand. We’re close.”
I held her hand and shut my eyes.
If he rejected me, I wasn’t going to take a plane back home, I decided stubbornly.
It was going to be on a fucking boat.
Nineteen
Carter
11 years old
“What happened isn’t your fault,” he said, tears falling from his face.
I’d never seen my father cry before.
Now he was crying every day.
“It was,” I said, sucking in a breath of air. “It was my fault. I should have known where that key was. I thought it was in my pocket. I didn’t know I left it on the dresser when I was changing. I should have.”
“She would have find a way into that cabinet regardless.”
“Why did she want to leave us?” I fought the tears with everything inside of me. I hadn’t cried, not once, since I found her dead on the floor, cold and pale. Everyone thought I was all wrong for not crying, but they didn’t know I wanted to hide my pain. If I let it show, her death would be real.
I was so busy pretending, I didn’t realize I’d been building a wall around my heart the entire time.
Dad was doing the opposite. He was angry a lot. He drank a lot. And he was getting frustrated that I’d blocked him out. I wanted to be alone all the time. Wanted nothing to do with him or the world that reminded me she’d once lived in it.
“We’ll figure this out –”
“I don’t want to figure anything out!” I shrieked at him.
I pushed him away every day.
I fought with him over everything.
I blamed him. I hated him. I was finding a reason to keep the people I loved at arm’s length, so they didn’t hurt me again.
I ignored his pain. I didn’t care he was hurting too. I didn’t care when we started to lose everything around us.
Not caring made the pain go away.
I heard quiet footsteps.
Small ones at first, as though the person was tiptoeing.
I didn’t want to open my eyes to see who it was. It would likely be the nurse, and I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to pretend I was sleeping. I’d spent all night in a daze. My soul felt fractured. I kept asking myself the same question over and over again.
Why did I get to live?
They were pulling bodies out of the water, and so far, there were only four other survivors.
None of them Julie.
I wouldn’t know what to do if she died. It wouldn’t seem fair that the one person who helped me out of that plane hadn’t surfaced from the water.
I should have died.
Someone like me shouldn’t have been spared. I didn’t deserve a second chance.
A hand suddenly touched mine lightly. My breath thinned at the softness of her touch. It felt…intimate.
“Carter.”
My heart damn near stopped.
Leah.
“I’m sorry,” she cried, her hand gripping mine now. “I should have been there for you. I shouldn’t have cut you out. I’m sorry. I love you so much, and I tried so hard to bury it away. To stop myself from hurting. I’m sorry.”
I opened my eyes. The light hit me hard, and I winced, closing them for a moment before trying again. When my vision adjusted, I saw her tear-streaked face.
Beautiful. Always so beautiful.
Always fate was tempting me with what I couldn’t have, and I didn’t need it right now. Not after all that happened.
I should have been elated to see her, but I wasn’t. I didn’t need any more heartache.
I shut my eyes again. “Don’t,” I muttered out vacantly.
“Don’t what, Carter?”
“It’s been eighteen months since I’ve seen you, Leah. Don’t be coming to me just because of what happened, alright? I can’t…” I can’t stand to lose you go again.
I felt her grip tighten around my hand as she moved closer to me. I could smell her, feel her breaths against my face as she whispered, “I’m here because I love you. Because you told me I would be living in regret. And I see that now. I’m tired of fighting my feelings. Tired of staying still. I want to move forward with my best friend, and I don’t want to be scared anymore. Like you said in your letter, you love me, and time apart is time wasted.”
It was like someone had poured kerosene inside my veins and set that shit on fire. My blood burned from her words, and I opened my eyes again, staring into her deep browns. More tears fell out, and her bottom lip trembled.
Eighteen months, gone.
Before that, over three years, gone.
And yet… it was like I’d never been away from her.
Shit like that defied logic, didn’t it? It didn’t make sense. But life was a big fat pile of nonsensical bullshit, and I was tired of it.
“Come here,” I quietly said.