“You know why I’m fighting to get as much money up. When Kayden got sick and rushed to the hospital, I felt helpless. If it’d gotten any worse – if he’d been seriously sick in any other way – I wouldn’t have been able to afford his treatments. It was the scariest night of my life. I just want to make sure we’re taken care of so that never happens again. I never want to feel unprepared.”
I nodded, thinking back on four weeks ago. Kayden was just two weeks old when he caught the cold. I’d panicked when his fever kept rising. We rushed him to the hospital and had been there the entire night, waiting for the fever to go down while the nurses tried to reassure us it was going to be alright. It hadn’t been for Heath. When he’d felt how hot Kayden was, his face had paled significantly, and I knew what he was thinking. He was remembering his own brother – the one we’d named Kayden after – who had died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome when Heath was just six years old. He didn’t talk about it often, but he’d spoken about how devastated his mother had been, and how she’d never been the same after that. So naming him Kayden was a way for me to show him that the memory of his youngest brother could still live on.
Ever since that night, Heath obsessed over our finances. Everything was about money and having enough in case of emergencies. While I understood his panic, I also missed him and would have preferred having more time with him than all the riches in the world. I just wished he felt the same too.
“I’m sure everything will be alright,” I told him. “He’s a beautiful, healthy boy.”
He nodded, but his face stated otherwise. When he let his guard down, I could read him so clearly. Other times, I was not so fortunate.
He held me to him for a little while, and when we started kissing again, his insatiable thirst returned. He climbed back over me and took me gently and slowly. This time there was no rush. Just the simple, quiet thrusts accompanied by his loving kisses and warm eyes. He watched me intently, knowing when I was close, and holding off on his own pleasure until I got there. He came with me this time, panting hard against me as we rode it out together.
I was limp and thoroughly fucked after that. So when the sound of a frustrated cry erupted, I groaned in exhaustion. With a sigh, I made to move when Heath’s hand pushed me back down.
“I’ll take care of him,” he whispered. “You need to sleep.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. I need to spend time with my little man anyway. Missed him too much. I’ll be in there. Get your rest.”
Fighting with him on this was futile. He always won. So I gave him a quick kiss in thanks and watched him leave the bedroom, completely nude and sexy. To my surprise, it was merely minutes before sleep won me over.
Three
Heath
He was tiny. So damn tiny, he was swimming in his warm suit. He fidgeted, that mouth opening wide, reminding me of the jaws of a shark before it consumed. And that’s all Kayden did: consumed. His stomach was a bottomless pit, and after every bottle, that tiny belly of his would bloat and poke through his baggy clothes. Soon after, he’d burp and a bit of milk would spurt out from that mouth. It would trickle down the corner of his red, thin lips and to his chin. I wiped it away before it pooled along his neck fat – the fat that spoke of how well fed he was.
Kayden.
This was my Kayden.
Nobody could take me away from him. I soaked up every minute of him and yet it was never enough. I thought about him all day at work. Of his cheeky smile. Of the way his blue eyes would open up and stare at the world around him, looking so fascinated and engrossed in his surroundings. I loved the tiny noises he made. I loved when he grunted in frustration and cried to be held. The way he squirmed and kicked his blanket off when he started to get hungry, or the way he suckled your finger with that toothless mouth. What I liked the most, though, was when those blue eyes stared deeply into my own like I was his entire world. Every one of these moments we shared, those eyes drank me in, and I felt connected to him in a way I never anticipated. I didn’t think of these things during Allie’s pregnancy. I’d only set my eyes on her and what she needed. Never before would I have thought I’d have fallen so deeply in love with a fussy, stubborn baby that made my life before him seem empty and bleak. That old me had died. It had fallen into a sinkhole, buried away in darkness, never to be returned again.
It was life changing. My heart always beat harder when I had quiet moments like this with him. Staring down at him in my arms as he slowly dozed back to sleep after a bottle and a half. I stroked the top of his fuzzy head and took in his every feature. He had Lawson all over him. The same chin, the same brows and ears. He had Allie’s eyes and the same pale skin, and as much as I tried not to see it, he had Ryker’s thin lips.
If I was being honest about it, deep inside I really did like seeing Ryker in him. In a way, I wanted to save a Lawson and give him opportunities kids like Ryker and I would have dreamed of. However, personally, I envisioned Kayden as a tiny little Ryker, only this time he was growing up the right way. And goddammit, nothing was going to take him away from me. I was going to make sure of that.
If I wanted the best for Kayden, I had to be sure I could always provide. It was becoming difficult as of lately. Street fighting in Hedley was growing in popularity. It was also attracting more cut throat men that were damn good at it. I thought of the crazy man I fought tonight. I could tell straight off the bat he was some drug-deprived monkey in need of his next hit. Most of the fighters needed money, or they did it for the attention. Sometimes they even did it to prove something to themselves. However, there were ones that came through that went far more than that. They did it because they were desperate, and you could never underestimate the power a man in need of a drug had. Addiction turned people into animals.
So, yeah, he fought hard, but I fought harder in the end. I walked away with a wad of money that was going to easily see us through for a good while. While I was somewhat desperate, the image of the duffel bag loaded with cash always came back to me.
Nobody came looking for me for that fifty thousand dollar debt. That day came and went, and it had been spent pacing with nerves until the early hours of the morning. I waited the day after that and still nothing. It was like the calm before the storm. I’d stayed up throughout the night over the course of two weeks, expecting the door to get knocked down and to be sent to my death by enraged drug dealers who knew I’d stolen their money.