The sky darkened on my way back to Ben’s place. And while on the road, I pep-talked myself.
“Fuck him,” I said bitterly. “Don’t you dare let him fool you. You have to do this right. You’re strong. You’re a strong woman and you can do this.”
I can and I will.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I trust you
He had a guarded expression when he opened the door to me.
I looked apologetically back at him. The only way this was going to work was by channelling all the good things I felt for him. Lying with the truth, right?
“Can I come in?” I asked him, appearing unsure.
He widened the door and I stepped in. He slammed it shut and I jumped at the force of it. He was still in a shit mood, his face twisting into a frown. I faced him and immediately dived into apology mode.
“Ben, I’m sor –”
“What the hell happened this morning, Claire?” he snapped.
I shrugged. “I don’t really know.”
“You don’t know? You can’t tell me what was going through your goddamn head when you started interrogating me?”
“Maybe I’m PMS’ing?” I didn’t give him an opportunity to respond. “Look, I messed up. After your left, I was alone and had all these thoughts in my head. I felt so insecure and inadequate. You could be with anyone you want, and yet you choose me and…”
He didn’t rescue me with reassurances. He just stood there, waiting for me to continue. I didn’t like his indifference. It worried me.
Be. Honest.
I sighed and said in a harder voice, “I was stupid. It was all my fault. I… I led myself to believe for a minute that I couldn’t trust you. That what we have isn’t real to you. That you never really gave me your heart. It destroyed me and I lashed out at you, and it was wrong.”
The tension in his bones gradually gave out. He relaxed and exhaled long and slow. I watched that anger trickle away, replaced by warmth. He took my hand into his and ran his thumb over my knuckles. His other arm wrapped around me and brought me against his chest. I buried my face into him, suspending my current hate in order to live and breathe all of him in now. I hated the way my body responded to it.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he told me. “I love you, I won’t deceive you, and I will catch you every time you fall. Because I trust you, and I know you’d do the same for me.”
My being split into two. I couldn’t cope when in these moments I felt like he was telling the truth. But the voice inside my head pushed on through, telling me to focus.
He pulled back and I felt his fingers around my neck. I looked down to see him running them over the opal necklace. “I see you opened your present,” he murmured.
I smiled softly at him. “Yes. It’s beautiful.”
“Beautiful on you. I walked up and down the jewellery aisle, looking for something that was perfect for you. I was around three other men doing the same thing, and we were all equally lost.”
“Yeah, well, you knocked me away with this one.”
“It sort of represents you. I saw the green shimmering in the light while it went blue in different angles. Like an opal, there are so many different sides to you, and they’re all equally beautiful.”
I hardened my heart, not allowing his words to find their way in. “That’s really romantic, and that actually reminds me. I got you something too, as a thank you for this.”
His eyes glowed and his brow shot up. “Is that right?”
I nodded. “Sit on the couch.”
I pulled the “gift” out of my purse when he sat down. Standing behind him, I took several deep breaths before I took a seat next to him and held the gift out. I stared at the terribly wrapped box and suppressed the panic that burst through me, making my skin break out in sweat.
Completely oblivious of the havoc raging inside of me, he took it out of my grasp, and it was then I realized that the wheels were now in motion. He eyed me with a radiant smile on his face, remarking jokingly about my wrapping skills before he tore it apart. All the while I stared on with indecision, like this was all a mistake and I needed to take it back. It was getting harder to breathe, harder to think, and harder to keep still when my body was throbbing at this deception.
He looked at the box, turning it over before he pulled off the lid and stared at the watch. He stared at it long and hard with a thoughtful expression.
“Wow,” he finally muttered, “this must have been expensive, beauty.”
It took me longer than normal to answer. When he glanced up at me, I shrugged. “I told you I have a bit of money from my inheritance.”
He raked his eyes over my face, not sparing an inch as he studied me. Then he looked back down at the watch and pulled it out.
“Help me put it on?” he asked.
I took the watch from him and shakily set it over his wrist. Meanwhile, he continued to observe me closely. “You alright?”
I nodded, unable to speak. By some miracle, I managed to strap it on, and when I did, I drew in a deep breath and relaxed into the couch. It felt unusually cold against my flesh. In fact, everything felt cold.
“Thank you, Claire,” he then said, faraway in thought. “It’s the first time I’ve been gifted a watch. You really shouldn’t have.”
Still unable to speak, I offered him a smile.
“Did you have a hard time picking it out too?” He asked, taking my hand in his. “Was it hard for you as it was for me?”
Avoiding his eyes, I cleared my throat and said, “No. It was my first and only choice.”
“Lucky you.”
I looked down at the hand he took with mine and stared at the watch. I felt sick.
“I’m going to the bathroom for a second,” I told him a short while later. I didn’t wait for a response. I stood up and hurried away from him.
I locked myself away in the bathroom gripped the basin with each hand. This was so much harder than it was supposed to be. After everything I’d been told I shouldn’t have been feeling anything for him. Yet watching him wear that watch had split me open. I felt weak and conflicted, and I was still on the verge of rushing back out there and tearing it off.
I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. Minutes passed and soon he would be questioning my disappearance. I stood up straight and stared at the mirror. I didn’t like the person staring back at me. Her eyes looked dead, and her confidence had disappeared.