I tensed in my seat, practically smelling the greed on her.
“Now, I’m not disputing that my son clearly has some misplaced affection toward you, but pretty soon his life will be changing dramatically. High profile fights mean he will be travelling with lots of confident, sexy women who’ll be falling over themselves for a chance to be with him. Even if he has the cast iron willpower to turn away what they’re offering, how long do you think it will be before you start feeling insecure? You know you can’t compete with any of them, so you’ll avoid the fights or hound Con into smoothing over your fears until he realises that he needs to choose either you or his career. If he chooses his career, you will have spent months falling in love with him, only to have your heart broken. If he chooses you? You’ll have ripped him away from a dream that he’s had his entire life. Now tell me. If you don’t break this off with him tonight, can you live with either ending? Can you make him happy?”
She’d done it. In less than five minutes, she’d reminded me of why I should give up the only person that I’d ever loved, and I did love him. Despite my fears, despite my protestations that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, despite my anxiety that Frank would one day find me, I loved Cormac O’Connell. Walking away from him now, before he started to feel as strongly as I did, would save him. It would keep him safe from Frank and give him the future that he deserved without the worry of leaving me behind. I would do this for O’Connell but inside my fractured heart was breaking.
“I doubt that we’ll see each other again, and I can see by the look on your face that you intend to do the right thing. For your sake, I’d suggest that it would be unwise to rethink your decision. Goodbye, Emily.”
She lit up a cigarette, put her clutch bag under her arm, and then sauntered out of the changing room on four-inch heels. You’d never tell that she’d just used them to walk all over me. I looked around, and the makeshift party was in full swing. It didn’t look as though anyone had even noticed Sylvia. If I was going to do this, then it had to be tonight. This was the start of the rest of O’Connell’s life, and I could make this sacrifice for him, but I had to do it now. If I had to tell him to his face then I’d break down. The best thing that I could do would be to put a bit of distance between us and let him have his night of celebration. Tomorrow I would set him free, and I was sure that after a while, he’d move on and write me off as a bad investment. The pain in my chest was so real that it felt like my heart was breaking, but I was sure that I’d never be enough for O’Connell in the long run anyway. My flat would be the first place that he’d go, so it looked like I’d be begging another favour from Nikki. A few minutes later, she returned from the bar.
“Nik, I know that everyone’s really excited about the fight, but I’m really feeling under the weather. Would you mind if I crashed at your place just for the night? It’s just that when the guys get drunk, they have a tendency to show up at my door at all hours of the night.”
“You’re not staying!” she exclaimed.
“My head really hurts. I just need a couple of painkillers and a good night’s sleep, but if I don’t leave now this headache will be a migraine by the morning.”
“Sure, no problem,” she replied, obviously worried.
“My roommate is away for the weekend so you can crash in her bed. Do you want me to come with you?”
She’d been having a ball before she got me a drink, but it was testament to what a good friend she’d become that she’d give up the party for me.
“Don’t be silly, I’ll be fine,” I assured her.
“Will you tell O’Connell that I’ve gone, but do me a favour and don’t tell him that I’m staying at yours. This headache will never go if he starts banging down my door drunk at three in the morning.”
“No problem. I’m not thrilled about the idea of you going home alone, but don’t worry about me waking you up. My friend Sarah lives so close to town that I’ll probably end up crashing at hers. It will save me from getting a taxi home later. Just drop off my key with the night porter if you leave tomorrow before I get home.”
“Thanks, Nikki. I owe you one,” I told her as she gave me her key.
“Bitch, you owe me like a million, but I intend to collect when I’m struggling with our next assignment.”
“Done,” I replied, then hugged her and made a hasty exit. If I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, with a bit of luck, they wouldn’t realise that I had left. The arena was still packed, and I didn’t see O’Connell. I kept my head down and didn’t look up until I could taste fresh air. I couldn’t afford to hang around waiting for a taxi, so I walked and walked until my feet hurt. Eventually, when I was actually contemplating sitting down and camping on the pavement, I flagged down a passing taxi and made my way to Nikki’s place. I was numb. Figuring that I’d imposed on Nikki’s kindness so far that she wouldn’t mind a little further, I borrowed one of her t-shirts. Washed and changed, I climbed into bed and felt the floodgates open. I cried hard and ugly as I grieved for what had been so briefly and what could never be. There was no way that I could go back to the gym now, so on top of losing O’Connell, I was losing Danny, Kieran, and the rest of my new family, and a wave of grief engulfed me again. I’d have to go back to working every shift I could get at the diner with that bitch Katrina, who’d have ammunition against me for life now that she’d seen me puke all over O’Connell.
I knew that I was free and that was all I’d ever wanted, but was it so wrong now to actually want more? Being strong for so long had left me bone wearily tired and when the tears finally dried, I was so exhausted and broken that I drifted to sleep, not really caring whether I would ever wake up.
As the dawn arrived, I still felt like crap, only now I looked like it, too. In contrast to my own place, Nikki’s apartment was warm and had heating that actually worked in the morning. Maybe it was this foreign sensation of being warm as I slept that woke me, but for one brief shining moment, I forgot where I was and what had happened. And then I remembered.
It was so tempting to hide in that lovely warm room where no one could find me, but I owed O’Connell better than that. Despite having slept, I was still tired. But I needed to get out of there and sort myself out before I faced him. He was probably passed out cold anyway if he’d been partying with Kieran after the fight. After a brief wash, I dressed and headed home, leaving Nikki’s key with the night porter. After flagging down and paying for another taxi that I couldn’t afford, I walked with dread up to my apartment, bracing myself against the bitter chill. That the apartment was lovely and warm should have been my first clue, but I had pretty good reason to be distracted. I jumped a mile then when O’Connell spoke to me.