I crinkle my nose like it’s an absurd idea when really my stomach is fluttering with butterflies. “How would that be a perk? I’m not resourceful in intense situations…I’d probably do more harm than good.”
He shakes his head, tracing his finger up my cheekbone to a lock of my hair. He twirls it around his fingers as he sets his pencil and sketchbook to the side. “No way, Nova Reed, you’d be a lifesaver.”
“How do you figure?” My voice sounds breathless and I hate it because it gives away everything that I’m feeling—the effect he has on me. And even though we’ve kissed and touched each other, I’m still not certain where he stands—how he feels about me.
“Because…you save me every day,” he says.
My forehead creases as I stare into his eyes, searching for a sign that he’s joking, but he looks so serious. “Save you from what?”
He pauses, searching my eyes, but for what I’m not sure. “From fading.”
His words hit me square in the chest and I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out, just like always whenever he says something so sad. Finally I manage, “I still don’t get what you mean.”
“I know,” he says with a sigh, unraveling his fingers from my hair. “It doesn’t really matter…I was just trying to say that if you and I were trapped on an island, I know you’d end up being the one to save us, because I know you’d never give up and it’d make me not want to give up either.”
I’m not really sure if it’s the answer I want to hear or how it connects to me stopping him from fading in the real world. I could ask him, but he silences me with his lips, kissing me softly, but with passion behind it, gripping my waist. And before I can think too deeply about what he means about wanting to give up, he gently pushes me down on the bed, lying on top of me. He covers my body with his and I melt into his embrace as he kisses me until I’ve forgotten about everything except him and me and the brief warmth engulfing our bodies.
* * *
May 17, day two of summer break
Nova
When I open my eyes, the sunlight blinds me and I’m sweating from the heat. No one bothered to close the curtain last night and without any mountains around, the heat of the sun is intense. I throw the blanket off and blink as I gradually sit up. I’m so exhausted that all I want to do at the moment is give up. Curl up in a ball, throw the blanket back over my head, and sleep until the next day, maybe longer. But I can’t help thinking about the dream I had last night. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, and honestly I’m surprised I even remember it. I know you’d never give up and it’d make me not want to give up either.
It hurts, thinking about Landon, because he did give up and leave me. In the end I wasn’t a lifesaver like he thought. I was just a distraction from his pain and I didn’t save him. I don’t want to be a distraction this time around. I want to do things differently. But how? How can I make sure Quinton doesn’t end up like Landon?
After thinking about it for a while, I do something I haven’t done in a long time. I sneak out of bed, grab my laptop, and go out onto the sofa to watch the video Landon made right before he ended his life. I’m not even sure what the point is. Whether I just want to see him again, or analyze the video. Watching his lips move, the pain in his eyes, the way his inky black hair falls across his forehead, it takes me back to that night when I woke up on the hill. Just after he made this video, I would find him, hanging from his bedroom ceiling. Music would be playing, like it is in the video. I often wonder if, had I woken up just a little bit sooner, I would have caught him making the video, instead of right after he hanged himself. Could I have stopped him? Was he waiting for me to wake up and stop him, but I took too long and he gave up?
Finally I shut off the video. I have such a fucked-up mentality over his death, but since there will never be any answers, there will always be a ton of questions.
I swallow hard and cup my hand around my wrist, remembering the one time I almost gave up, too, almost left the world, left my mom to find me bleeding out in the bathroom with a ton of questions she’d never have answers to, like Landon did with me. Part of me really wanted to end it all, to stop burying the pain inside me, but part of me was scared of the what-ifs. What if I did go through with it? What if I just ended my life? What would happen to the people who cared about me? My mom? What would I miss? It was one of the darkest times in my life and it’s permanently branded on my body, a scar put there by my own hand, reminding me never again. I’ll never give up again.
When I return to the bedroom, Lea is still asleep on the other side of the king-size bed, her face turned toward the opposing wall, her breathing soft, and the blanket is pulled up over her. I quietly put the computer away and get ready to go, not wanting to wake her up and argue with her about going back home. Plus, I need to talk to Quinton alone. I get dressed in a pair of red shorts and a white shirt and pull my hair into a ponytail to keep the heat from melting it to my skin. Then I read through some of the papers Lea printed out that talk about helping a drug addict: intervention, talking to the addict, getting him into rehab. They’re very technical and most are like clinical instructions on how to handle drug addicts. What I don’t get, though, is where the information is on how to deal with their mood swings. Or the hopelessness that comes with trying to make someone see that he needs to get better, trying to find the right thing that will bring him back. Or how about how to get his family to come down and support him, because that’s what he really needs? He needs people who know him and care about him, like I needed my mom when I decided I wanted to heal.
I don’t know much about Quinton’s family other than that his mom passed away when he was born and even though his dad raised him, it was pretty much like he raised himself. I wonder if I could find out more about his dad…maybe he’d want to help Quinton. I mean, he is his son and I know if my father had been alive when I was doing drugs, he’d have done anything to help me. But I can’t count on it, because not all people are like my mom and dad and would do anything for their child. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to look into it, if I can get someone to either give me his father’s phone number or tell me his name and where he lives so I can get him.
I write Lea a note, telling her that I’m going out for coffee and will be back soon. I hate lying to her, but at the same time I hated seeing how terrified she was last night. I put the note on the pillow beside her, then write on the back of my hand no regrets. It’s something Lea and I say to each other all the time and it’s going to remind me today not to regret anything I do, right there on my hand, just in case I even think about trying to take something that I’ll regret taking later.
I tuck my phone into my back pocket and head out to the car, locking the front door behind me on the way out. It’s so hot I feel like I’m melting into a steaming puddle, the heat leaching the air out of my lungs. I walk swiftly to the car and hop in, but curse when the black leather seat burns my legs. I start up the engine, then find Quinton’s address on the GPS, along with the nearest coffee shop, because I’m going to need a caffeine boost if I’m going to make it through this.
“You can do this, Nova,” I say as back down the driveway and turn onto the road. I continue to repeat the mantra in my head all the way to the coffee shop. I order two coffees, not even sure if Quinton drinks coffee or how he takes it, but I make a guess. Then I crank up a little “Help Me” by Alkaline Trio and drive to Quinton’s apartment, trying not to get too upset at the sight of it in broad daylight. But I can’t help it. The sun only makes it look more tragic and fills me with even more hopelessness, but I still park the car. Then I take my phone out of my pocket, flip the video recorder on, and let out a deep breath before I aim the screen at myself.
“Why am I talking to you…I really have no idea, other than that I find it therapeutic,” I say to the camera. “Because when I’m talking to you, I can say what I’m really feeling…and what I’m really feeling is…well, it’s a lot of things. Like for starters, I’m scared, not just for myself, but for Quinton. That place he’s in…it’s horrible. I knew people lived like this in movies and stuff, but seeing it with my own eyes…it’s terrifying.” I pause, glancing at the building. “And I also feel hurt…I mean, he was so, so upset with me last night for being here and all I want to do is help him…the only thing that can get me past that is remembering…remembering how much my mom wanted to help me and how much I shut her out. I didn’t want help, but looking back I think deep down I really did want it, I just couldn’t see past all the dark stuff…until I watched Landon’s video…the one he made right before he committed suicide…in a way, that video woke me up. I’m hoping that Quinton is the same way—that there’s something to wake him up. I have to believe there is, otherwise there’s no hope left. And I’m not ready to accept that yet.” I pause, taking a deep breath before I add, “So here goes. I’m going back in.” I stop talking and click off the camera, putting the phone back into my pocket. Then I get out of the car, making sure to grab the coffees and lock the doors.
The area is eerily silent, like everyone sleeps during the day and only comes out at night. I’m sort of glad, though. It makes walking to the stairs, going up them, and walking to the door so much easier. The hard part comes when I get to the door. I stare at the cracks in it, breathing in the stale air. I’m not sure what to do next, or if I even want to do anything next.
What do I do?
Finally I knock on the door, softly at first, but then I hit it a little harder when no one answers. All I get in return is more silence and I glance back at my car, growing nervous. Should I go? But when I look back at the door, all I can picture is Quinton on the other side, bruised and broken—lost. Just like I was at one point in my life.
I’m not sure what to do and my legs start to feel like rubber as I stand there. Finally I sit down on the ground and lean against the railing, knowing it’s probably filthy. But filth doesn’t matter at the moment and I can handle getting the backside of my shorts dirty. I set the coffees down beside me, read no regrets written on the back of my hand, then touch my exposed scar.
Remember.
I float back into the memory of how bad things were when I fell toward rock bottom, leaning my head back against the railing and staring up at the sky through a hole in the canopy roof above me.
I can’t feel my body. I think I’ve drunk so much that I’ve managed to drown myself. Because that’s what I feel like. Submerged in water, only it’s hot, scorching, yet at the same time my body is connected to the heat so I can’t do anything but let it burn my skin. Slowly.
I want out of it. My body. My thoughts. I want to be above water again or maybe at the bottom. I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I want anymore. What I’m supposed to be doing. So I keep wandering around helplessly, kissing guys I shouldn’t be kissing, not focusing past anything but taking the next step and even that seems difficult.
Maybe I should just stop walking.
I go into the bathroom at my house and don’t lock the door because Landon didn’t lock the door and I want to figure out why he didn’t. Did he want me to walk in or did he just forget…was he just too out of it? I don’t know.
I don’t know anything anymore.
I sink down on the cold tile floor, tears staining my eyes and cheeks. I’ve been crying all night, feeling guilty, aching from the inside, but now suddenly I feel nothing. Emptied. Like all my emotions were drained out through those tears and I’m not sure any feelings are ever going to come back. Maybe I’m broken. Maybe Landon took what was inside me with him. Maybe I don’t even have blood left in my veins.
God, I miss him. Is this what he was thinking right before he left? That he missed someone? Or that he didn’t have life in him? That he felt broken?
I have to know—need to understand—what he felt like when he decided it was time to go forever. Because sometimes it feels like I’m heading to that same place, where giving up seems easier than taking any more steps.
I reach up toward the counter and feel around until I find the drawer handle. I pull it open and without looking in it, I feel around until I find a razor. My fingers don’t shake when I take it out. I kind of expected them to, like they would freak out over the fact that I’m going to do this.
I am.
I bring my hand back toward me and stare at the razor in my hand. I’m not even sure how sharp it is or how exactly to do this. It doesn’t look very sharp and the pink handle makes it look almost harmless. I dare touch my fingertip to the edge of the razor and press down. Nothing. So I slide it up and it slowly splits the skin of my finger open. Dots of blood trickle out and onto the floor around my feet. I stare at them, feeling the burn in my finger, but not really feeling it, which makes me think I might be able to go through with this. Is that what Landon did, too? Did he test what the rope felt like around his neck? Did it burn? Was he afraid? Was he thinking about how he was going to miss me? How much I’d miss him? How much it’d hurt for me to see him like that? Was he thinking at all? I’m not sure. I’m not sure about anything anymore.
I stretch my arm out in front of me, see the vein. It’s faint and small so I pump my fist repeatedly until it’s purple and bulging like it’s angry. Like it’s shouting at me to stop. Don’t do it. I can’t stop. Not until I understand.
I bring my knee up and rest my arm on top of it, my forearm up. I pump my fist over and over again as I move the razor closer, feeling nothing, not until the blade comes into contact with my skin. I feel a hint of cold and I shiver, but I shove the sensation aside and press the blade down. It stings as the skin tears open. I feel it, along with the warmth of the blood dripping out, but I still don’t understand what he was thinking…what made him go through with it—what made him end his life.