Seth relaxes and shakes his head, restraining a grin. ‘My dear, darling, naive Callie. Implying something isn’t the same as asking.’ He pats my head like I’m a child. ‘And when it comes to guys, you have to make sure to be really straightforward with what you want. Trust me, I have to deal with it all the time with Greyson.’
‘Yeah, you’re probably right.’ I move back as he reaches around me and opens the door for me to go inside. ‘It’s just really hard putting myself out there like that because, what if he does give me a flat-out no?’
Seth follows me inside then lets the door go, shutting out the cold. The air smells like fresh coffee and cinnamon and the sounds of clicking keyboards flutter around us since many students come here with their laptops for the free Wi-Fi.
‘I don’t think he will,’ Seth says as we get in line.
I stare at the menu above the countertop, trying to figure out what to order. ‘I’m not so sure …’ I step forward with the line. ‘He’s been really sad and kind of distant lately.’
‘Then ask him why. Callie, come on. I know this is your first relationship, but you guys are close enough that there shouldn’t be space between you.’ When I start to open my mouth to protest, he adds, ‘Hey, you have to listen to me. I’m now officially a psych major and know what I’m talking about.’
I choke on a laugh. ‘I hate to break it to you, but just because you’re majoring in psychology doesn’t mean you know everything. The classes don’t teach you everything.’
‘I know that.’ He puts two fingers to his temple. ‘It’s this bad boy right here that makes me so damn insightful.’
I shake my head, but smile. Regardless of Seth being a know it all right now, he is right – I do need to talk to Kayden.
‘All right, I’ll do it.’
‘You better. And besides, living in an apartment is way, way better than living in the dorms. And you can be super noisy whenever you want.’ He waggles his eyebrows at me.
Despite my blush, I decide to play along. ‘Oh, I know. That’s the main reason I want to move in with Kayden – so I can have some alone time without worrying about roommates walking in on us.’
He gives me the biggest grin ever. ‘Look at my baby girl; all grown up.’
I stand up straighter. ‘Now if I could just get the balls to ask Kayden.’
Seth’s face turns red as he works to stifle his laughter, but it gets the best of him and he hurries and places his hand over his mouth. ‘I cannot believe you just said balls.’
‘You know what?’ I say as we reach the register. ‘I can believe it. I’m not the same girl I used to be.’
He lowers his hand from his mouth and the humor dissolves from his expression. ‘You’re so right. You have changed. You’re so much stronger now.’
Even though it’s our turn to order, we give each other a hug. ‘We’ve both come so far,’ I tell him because Seth has had his own struggles as well and yet here we are – happy, healthy, and enjoying life. Survivors, that’s what we are. I just wish Kayden could see that about himself. Realize just how far he’s come.
Maybe Seth’s right. Maybe it’s time to grab that little space between Kayden and me. After all, I have faced worse than asking my boyfriend to move in with me.
Way, way worse.
Chapter 2
#107 Have a Winter Wonderland Magical Moment.
Kayden
I’ve been in a downer of a mood lately. It’s nowhere near the same as it used to be when I’d get so down I’d lock myself in the bathroom and cut out the pain by slicing my own skin open and letting myself bleed. I won’t go back to that place no matter what happens to me. I refuse to live in that dark hole ever again. I want things to remain light. I just wish I could fully grab onto it like Callie grabs life, but there’s some things – fears – holding me back. An abundance of things bothering me when I really start to analyze it. Like the fact that Thanksgiving is in less than a month, making it almost a year since my father stabbed me then bailed with my mother before he could pay the consequences. It was the year when my already crumbling life fell apart. The year when I just about gave up and ended it all.
But I didn’t. I survived and I should be grateful – which I am – but it still bothers me that my father and mother are who-knows-where, doing who-knows-what, maybe without a care in the world.
Then there’s the fact that my oldest brother, Dylan, invited me to his house for Thanksgiving to a family dinner. I’m not sure what to do with that one, how to react to the word family. I can’t even picture the concept of sitting around the table with my brother and his wife and all of her family, laughing and chatting while we stuff our stomachs with food. Dylan said he would have invited Tyler, too, but neither of us has seen him in quite a while, and we worry that he’s addicted to drugs, living on the streets somewhere like he’s done in the past. Or worse, maybe he’s not alive at all.
I feel like I’m stuck in the past, and I want to move forward. My therapist tells me I need to all the time. But it’s more complicated than it seems and depressing to take in sometimes – the lack of family I have and the fact that I’ll never truly have a group of people there for me.
There is one person who always gets me through my despair, though.
Callie Lawrence.
She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My ray of sunshine through the rain, the clouds, the storm that’s hovered over my head. She can make me smile when I’m down, laugh when I’m unhappy. She’s the one person who has ever loved me, and who I completely and wholly love back in a way I can barely understand sometimes.
I honestly thought I could never love anyone the way I love her. That I’d never know how to love since I never really learned how to. However, Callie showed me how to open my heart – at least, when it comes to loving her. She makes it so easy and sometimes it confuses me because why couldn’t my family just do it – love each other instead of being so full of ugly hatred?
‘Kayden, get your head in the practice!’ my coach hollers as he waves at me to get my ass on the field. I’ve been standing on the sidelines, staring at the end field for who knows how long, lost in my thoughts.
Getting my head back into practice mode, I jog into the center of the field, hooking the chin strap as I join my other teammates in the huddle. We’re in our practice uniforms, the field icy from last night’s intense temperature drop, and it’s still f**king cold. But it’s good to be outdoors, distracting myself from the thoughts that haunt me whenever I’m in my room alone. Playing clears my head more than anything else, except for maybe talking to Callie, who I get to see when practice is over.
Still, even when I’m playing, I can hear his faint voice telling me what to do. It’s always there whenever I’m doing anything athletic and sometimes when I’m asleep. I hate that I hear it, but after years of it being drilled in my mind, I can’t get rid of the sound.
Run.
Do better.
Go faster.
Play harder.
Keep going until you break.
It’s only when I’m dripping with sweat and completely in the game that I can barely hear my father’s voice in my head, my heart thudding too loud to hear anything but the overworked beat of it. It makes me love/hate football – love it for me, but hate it because of him.
Still, I focus on what I need to do for practice, putting my heart into playing well, running the drills, throwing, catching, playing as good as I always do. By the time we’re finished and I’m heading to the locker room, the sweat has soaked through my uniform and my brain is too exhausted to think so I’m feeling pretty good. Coach pulls me aside before I go inside and tells me how good I’m doing, but then gives me some things to work on. He usually does this, but he’s been on my case a lot this year since we’ve been playing so well. There’s been a lot of talk about my future in football, even though I’m still a sophomore and still have a ways to go before the draft comes into my sights. I’m grateful for the time, too, because I’m not even sure what I want to do anyway.
My whole life my dad threw me into sports and I always excelled at them, so it just seemed like that was the path I’d follow. And I love playing, but sometimes I wonder if there’s more to life than this. If maybe there’s something out there for me that’s not connected to my father’s dream for me and the sound of his voice constantly haunting me with every run and throw I make.
After I go to the locker room, I take a quick shower and change into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Then I slip my jacket on and head out to my car in the parking lot. It’s not the best-looking car in the world, but it’s better than my motorcycle and gets me to places. Plus, the great part is I bought it myself, from the part-time job I have at the local gym. It’s all mine; my own little pride and joy. Not my father’s.
I climb inside and rev up the engine, tossing my bag into the backseat. It’s getting late; the sun has gone behind the mountains, so I turn on the headlights and push the car into drive. I’m about to pull out of the lot when I get a text message, my phone buzzing in my pocket
Pressing on the brake, I stop the car near the exit to take my phone out of my pocket, smiling because I know who the text is from before I even check it.
Callie: Hey! Where r u? I thought we were supposed to meet at your dorm at seven, but you’re not here …
Me: Sorry, I’m running a little late. Coach wanted to talk about stuff.
I frown at the intentional avoidance of the subject. I haven’t talked to Callie about the uncertainty of my future in football – or the uncertainty in my future period. She’s always so positive and knows exactly what she wants out of life; it makes it difficult to talk to someone who knows what they want.
Me: R u at my dorm right now?
Callie: Yeah, in your room … Niko let me in.
I pull a face at the mention of my roommate. Not that I don’t like him or anything, but he has some serious issues and he’s high half the damn time.
Kayden: Is he with you right now?
Callie: No, he just left … why?
Kayden: Just wondering … I’m heading there now. Be there in like 10.
Callie: K :) And I have something really important I want to talk to you about … It’s about us
I grow uneasy, wondering what it is, that she might want to take a break from us or something else equally as bad. I really don’t think that is it, but my mind always seems to go to that dark place whenever there’s an unknown in front of me. I can’t help worrying Callie will hurt me because she has the power to. She owns my heart and soul completely and she could easily break it.
Lost in my worries, I pull out onto the road and drive toward my dorm building. By the time I’m parking the car, it’s snowing like a blizzard. Massive snowflakes splatter against the windshield and instantly soak through my clothes as I hop out and jog across the frosted grass to the entrance doors. I breathe in the warmth as I step into the foyer area.
It’s nearing Halloween and everything is decorated in black and orange, fake spider webs everywhere, along with this stupid skeleton that makes spooky noises every time someone walks by. There are a few people sitting around in the lounging area, laughing and talking, a couple of whom I know, so I give them a wave and say hello before going to the elevator.
The closer I get to my room, the more eager I get to touch Callie, wishing I could do it all the time. Unfortunately, I’m not in the same dorm building as her and it makes staying together all night a bit of a pain in the ass. Honestly, it’d be easier if we just lived together, but that is one hell of a big step and I’m not sure if I’m – we’re – ready for that or if she’d even want to.
When I arrive at my room, I punch in the code and walk in, smiling even before I see her. But then I frown the moment I step over the threshold when I discover the room is empty, just two unmade twin beds, some empty Dorito bags, and a lot of Coke cans on the floor, which makes me miss Luke as a roommate and his need to keep everything clean and organized. There’s also a stack of DVDs on my nightstand, which I’m assuming Callie brought over since they weren’t here earlier.
I’m scratching my head, wondering where she went when my phone vibrates from inside my pocket. My eyebrows knit as I take it out and swipe my finger across the screen.
Callie: Put your coat on and meet me outside on the east side of the campus yard.
Me: Why does this sound so suspicious … you’re not planning my murder, r u?
Callie: Not tonight. I saved my roll of duct tape and shovel for another time ;)
I can’t help but chuckle at her adorableness.
Me: All right, just as long as no shovel and tape are involved, I’ll b out in a few :)
Callie: k, see ya soon :)
I stuff my phone back into my pocket, wondering what she’s up to. She’s been so happy lately, even with the fact that Caleb – the guy who raped her when she was twelve – is still out there somewhere in the world, living his life, without paying for what he did not just to Callie, but Luke’s sister as well, along with a few others. He likely won’t ever have to pay for what he did to them. He’ll go on living his life, doing whatever he wants, while his victims are left to cope with the destruction. A huge flaw in life and one I understand way too well.
Shaking the depressing thought from my head, I tug my beanie over my brown hair before I depart toward the cold again. I try to stay upbeat as I take the elevator to the bottom floor, go back outside, and wind around the building, heading to the side where Callie instructed me to go. The leafless trees around the building are decorated with lights that reflect against the ice covering everything. It’s freaking freezing out here, my breath puffing out in a cloud in front of my face. I should have worn a heavier coat. But once I step out into the open area on the east side between a few benches and rows of trees I stop caring that I’m outdoors and freezing my ass off.