I’m not sure what to make of his offer. My initial reaction is to reject him before he ends up rejecting me. “Nah, I don’t think that’d work.”
He crosses his legs, still turned sideways. “Why not?”
“Well, for starters, it’d get us a month, but then we’d be broke without food or money to pay the other bills. I still have my waitressing job at Moonlight Dining and Drinks, but I make shit and it won’t cover nearly all the expenses… and I don’t even know if you have a job,” I say. He looks hesitant and I have my answer. “So you don’t have a job?”
He frowns. “Try to look past that fact for a minute… pretend I have a way to get some extra cash. Then what do you think?”
“I think I barely know you,” I reply. “And you barely know me. And it’s really hard living with people you barely know. Trust me. I’ve done it a lot.”
“It’s hard living with people you do know, too.” He pushes up on his elbows and turns over to puts the cards on the desk near the foot of the bed. The towel opens up and I catch a glimpse of his dick.
I bite my lip, thousands of thoughts flooding my head as my heart thuds in my chest and my skin covers in tingles. When he turns around all the way back, I pretend to be examining my fingernails while shivers continue to nip at my skin.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t know, but we could make it work. And it’s better than living on the streets or in my truck… I think.” He fidgets uncomfortably, readjusting the towel back over himself. He examines the backs of his hands like they’re the most fascinating thing and for a moment he looks very vulnerable, but when he glances up there’s only this rough, raw, animalistic look in his eye. “We can make it work.”
“How would you get extra cash flow?” I say, nerves bubbling in my chest from the rough edge of his voice. “I told you earlier I won’t be dealing anymore.”
“And I’m glad,” he says. “And let me worry about the extra cash flow on my part.”
I shake my head. “I need to know—I need to know what I’m walking into.”
“Fine, I’m going to gamble.”
“There’s nowhere to gamble around here. There won’t be any campus parties.”
“Not at the kind of the parties you’ve been to, but there are others.”
“Dangerous parties.” The words roll off my tongue like sweet-tasting honey and my nerves calm down.
“Why do you sound so exited when you say that?” he wonders curiously.
“I don’t,” I lie, sitting up on the bed. Can I do it? Live with him? Am I seriously considering this? My heart beats quicker, harder. Jesus. “So if we do this, then you’ll actually make money, right? Not lose it.”
He glances down at the cards. “I just showed you how easy I can win.”
I frown, unconvinced. “Yeah, but I also caught on to your little trick.”
“Yeah, but you’re more observant than others.”
“True.”
“So what do you say?” he asks with a crook of his brow, laid-back and casual, but there’s a darkness haunting his eyes. “Roomie?”
My hands are shaking, but in a good, holy-hell sort of way. “All right, it’s a deal.” I stick out my hand and we shake on it. His touch sends tingles up my arm and my pulse accelerates, throbbing in my wrists, fingertips, neck, and even between my legs. I wonder if he can feel it.
He frees my hand and rises to his feet, turning his back to me. He opens the towel up and I wonder what he’s doing. Then he ties the towel back up and disappears for the closet. “All right, Violet, who still hasn’t told me her last name. We have a deal,” he calls out.
A slow breath eases out of my mouth, freeing my restless energy. Before I even know what I’m doing I open my mouth and say, “It’s Hayes. My last name is Hayes.”
I want to slap myself in the head for giving him my real last name. Normally I tell people I’m Violet Smith, a simple name that I used to go by when I was younger because it was better than telling people my real last name. Sometimes I’d make up extravagant names for the hell of it when Smith got too dull. Yet, I just handed over the one real thing about me to Luke. I vow that for the rest of the night I’ll be as quiet as possible to avoid letting anything else stupid slip out of my mouth.
I lie down on the bed, putting my head on his pillow, which smells like smoke and cologne—like him. I focus on my breathing, keeping myself calm as night approaches outside.
When Luke wanders back out of the closet, he’s wearing drawstring pajama bottoms, but he didn’t put a shirt on so I’m stuck staring at his muscles and tattoos all night. He opens another bottle of Jack and takes a few more shots, which I’m noticing he does a lot and I wonder how hard it is on his body since he’s a diabetic, especially after what happened in his truck. It makes me kind of nervous, thinking about the fact that he could either get really sick all of a sudden or drop dead even. As I think about the idea, it sort of hurts my heart. Holy shit. I’m actually worried about him.
He stands to the side of the bed staring down at me with a pucker at his brows. “So Hayes, huh?” he asks, folding his arms and jerking me out of my thoughts.
I shrug, pretending it’s not a big deal when it is. “Yeah, it’s just a last name, though.”
“Yet, you seemed very reluctant to hand it over to me.”
“Maybe, I was,” I say, keeping my tone light and sarcastic. “But I guess you wore me down.”
He scans my entire body and my knees slip apart, like they’re giving him an open invitation. For a second I think of the p**n movie I saw at Preston’s and the look on the guy and girl’s faces as they went to town. So content. Blissfully, lost in themselves. It kind of makes me want to let Luke do the same thing to me, see if I can get to that place.
“What are you thinking about?” he wonders as he sits down on the edge of the bed.
I bite my lip, feeling embarrassment surface, but I play it off. “Nothing important.”
He seems greatly conflicted about something as he continues to stare down at me. “Do you want to borrow one of my shirts to sleep in?” he finally says.
I almost laugh at the idea of wearing something that belongs to him as I fall asleep in his room. It’s too personal, then again this entire situation is getting personal and I start to get up to change beds. “I’m good, but thanks.”
He nods and then with hesitancy, he lies down on the bed beside me, leaving hardly any room between us. “You can just sleep in… my bed if you want. I don’t have any extra sheets or blankets.”
I freeze, glancing at the mattress on the other side of the room, and then at the limited space between us. “That’s okay… I can handle sleeping on a filthy mattress for one night.”
He pauses, looking as uncomfortable as I do. “Just stay in my bed, Violet. If you want I’ll take Kayden’s old one, but I’m not going to make you sleep on that filthy thing.”
I frown, considering the options. I hate sleeping with people and I know I should take the other bed or make him take it, but for some reason I find myself curious about the idea of sharing a bed with him. “Fine, we can share.” I lie back down on the bed and shoot back against the wall, putting as much space between us as I can. “Just don’t crowd me.”
“And vice versa,” he says and I roll my eyes. “And don’t worry, I usually don’t sleep talk, although I do sometimes sleep kiss.” The corners of his lips tease upward and I’m struck by how nice his smile is.
“Don’t worry, I haven’t sleep bitten anyone in long time,” I retort. “Then again, no one’s given me a good reason to.”
“Dually noted,” he says with another smile as he moves his arm above our heads to the pillow and turns on his side to face me.
I smile back, but it’s tight and not necessarily my phony one, but a nervous smile. I can’t believe I’m actually going to sleep in a bed with someone. The last time that happened was when a son in one of my foster families would sneak into my room and kiss me until I fell asleep. I was fourteen and he was sixteen. Honestly I was confused because it felt so good to be kissed yet at the same time it felt wrong. Regardless of my conflicted feelings I kept letting him come into bed with me, touch me, even though we barely said ten words to each other my entire two months there. Then his mother walked in and caught us and it was good-bye Violet.
I start to sit up, deciding that I’ll take the gross mattress over this because I don’t think I can handle it. But he shifts closer to me, crowding me just like I asked him not to do, I feel the current of his body heat hit mine. I remember how it felt in the truck to be under him, how good his lips felt on mine, and it keeps me glued to the mattress until dark settles through the room and my eyelids become too heavy to keep open.
* * *
It’s dark. So dark. Why does it have to be so dark? My legs are trembling almost as bad as when I was downstairs, but they shouldn’t be. The scary people left and I’m okay. The lady that acted like she saw me, but never said a word. I’m free. They didn’t hurt me. Everything is going to be okay. But why doesn’t it feel that way?
I stand outside my parents’ room forever. The door is wide open, making it easy to go in, yet it seems so hard, like I’m stepping into a haunted house and something’s going to reach out and grab me at any moment. My heart hurts so bad and I want to cry, yet I don’t. Why?
Finally, I lift my foot over the threshold and enter the room. It seems darker in here, yet there’s more light flowing in from the window. The carpet is soft against my feet yet it stings. My teddy bear is the only thing that seems to be comforting me but it seems like at any moment it’s going to vanish from my hands. Then I see my mother lying on the floor and for a second everything feels like it’s going to be better. She’s here and I’m not alone.
“Mommy.” I kneel down beside her, stroking her head over and over again. My hands shake as I feel a warm, liquid substance coat my skin. “Mommy, wake up.” She doesn’t move, her body lifeless on the floor beside the bed. This isn’t right. The room shouldn’t be this quiet. Why do I feel so alone?
“Violet,” I jump at the sound of a voice… my dad’s. I leap to my feet and rush around to the other side of the bed. He’s sitting up, with his hand clutching his chest, blood streaming down his arm as he breathes too loud and I can hear the pain in it.
“Daddy.” I sprint to him, clutching my bear in my hand. “You’re okay… you’re okay…” Before I can reach him, his breathing stops.
And I’m alone all over again.
Chapter 10
Luke
I’m screwing my whole system up, the one I worked hard to create. I spent years and years under my mom’s control, cleaning up after her, listening to her rant, staying inside when she told me she was too nervous to be alone. I missed school when she asked me, listening to her play the guitar and sings songs when all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends. There were a few times when she’d let Kayden come over and I’d get to go over to his house, but they were few and far between and she’d always make me spend extra time with her. Thankfully, Kayden never saw one of her more intense episodes, but he could tell something was off, just like I knew that sometimes his dad hit and yelled at him. It was our silent agreement. I’ll keep your secrets if you keep mine.
And we did, continuing to live under our parents’ hold. But once I could leave the house on my own, I was done. With it all. I partied and f**ked girls and hardly ever came home, sleeping in my truck most nights. I loved the taste of freedom and found it often in the endless amount of drinking and meaningless sex. It was my system. Drink and screw. Go to school. Play football. Get good grades. Excel in the important parts and cover the cracked and fucked-up parts of life. The broken parts no one’s seen, the ones I buried in alcohol and doing what I do best—taking control of a girl and f**king her until I know she’d do anything for me, then walking away.
Every instinct I’ve engrained into my head is telling me to do that to Violet—fuck her and run. But the thing is, if I did try to, she’d probably not give in to me and since I’ve never experienced rejection from a girl I’m not sure how that’d go over. I worry I’d be left with the ugliness of my need for control swarming inside me. I’d be weak, like I was when I was a kid. And I hated myself when I was a kid—I hated life.
As I lie awake in my bed staring up at the ceiling, contemplating the mess I’ve gotten into, the sun rises outside my window. Violet’s sleeping beside me on the bed, her feet are next to my head. We were laying side by side when we fell asleep, but she must have moved in her sleep. Her skirt’s ridden up and I can almost see all of her long legs and her hair is down and spread out around her, the diamond stud in her nose glinting in the sunlight. I can hear the faint sound of her breathing and I find myself comforted by it and her body heat. I don’t understand it. My interest in her should be gone. She told me she wasn’t suicidal and I believe her, which should mean I can let her go. Yet the more I talked to her, the more it seemed like her life was as screwed up as mine and that’s making me even more interested, not just to f**k her but to get to know her. I want to find out who she is, why she does the crazy things she does. Why she looks so detached most of the time and what causes the few rare smiles and the sadness I see in her eyes.
I continue to stare at the ceiling until daylight fully breaks. I start to roll out of bed to get dressed and go get some coffee, when all of a sudden Violet starts flipping out. She sucks in a deep breath, her body arching as she opens her eyes to the ceiling. She blinks and gasps repeatedly as she comes out of her daze. I’m halfway sitting up when she spots me looking at her. The detachment that’s normally in her eyes is replaced with so much panic and fear I almost throw my arms around her to hold on to her. But then she quickly rolls on her stomach, shaking her head as she presses her face into my mattress. Her shoulders heave as she balls her hands into fists and screams into the mattress. I don’t know what to do, if I should make her move before she smothers herself or let her get whatever the hell she’s releasing out of her.