I was so stunned by the news about Asa’s dad that I almost dropped the glass from my suddenly nerveless fingers. I didn’t want to feel for him. I didn’t want sympathy and the need to see if he was okay to fill me all the way up on the inside, but it did. We polished off the bottle and Saint gave me a hug and told me it was all right to hurt for someone I still loved, which made me want to break the arctic freeze I had surrounded myself in and start crying and being hysterical all over again. It took about half a minute from the time she walked back across the hall to her own apartment for me to grab my keys, which were thankfully in the right spot for once, and head out to the 4Runner. I was operating on autopilot. Asa had given no indication that he wanted to see me, that he cared one way or the other that we had split up, but everything inside of me was drawing me back to him. It seemed like he was always going to be the magnetic north my compass was pointed at.
It was just after midnight when I pulled into the surprisingly empty parking lot. As I jumped out of my car I noticed Dixie and the new bouncer walking out of the front door. The cute cocktail server stopped when she recognized me and nodded to the massive, imposing man to go ahead. He gave me a once-over and then walked over to a fierce-looking motorcycle that sounded as mean as it looked when he started it up. Dixie twirled one of her strawberry-blond curls around her finger and smiled sweetly at me.
“Everyone has been by to check on him tonight. I can’t say I’m surprised you’re the last one to filter through.”
I bit down on my lip and shifted uneasily on my feet. “How is he?”
She shrugged and lifted her hand to turn it back and forth in a so-so motion. “It’s Asa, so it’s kind of hard to tell. I think he’s glad to be back home, but whatever happened between the two of you is still sitting heavily on his shoulders. He hides it all pretty well, but I’ve worked with him so closely for so long I can see it. His eyes don’t shine anymore.”
That made me suck in a hard breath and had my fingers twitching on each hand. “I just wanted to see if he was okay. I knew he wasn’t close with his dad at all … but still.”
She nodded in agreement. “I think he’ll be happy to see you. It was a pretty slow night. Rowdy and Zeb were the last two left at the bar and they took off about ten minutes before Church and I walked out. He’s probably getting ready to shut everything down if you want to stick your head in for a minute before he locks the door.” She reached out a hand and gave my arm a little squeeze. “I don’t know why he did what he did, Royal, but I do know that doing it made him miserable and hurt him just as much as it hurt you.”
“I wish that made me feel any kind of better.” She made a sympathetic noise and then waved good-bye as she headed off to her own sporty little car. My hand shook when I reached out to pull open the door to the Bar. I didn’t know if it was better that he was alone inside or if seeing him for the first time since he demolished me would be easier with the buffer of other people around. I figured this way if I burst into tears, or made a fool of myself in any other way, at least he would be the only one to witness it and he had already seen me at various stages of my worst.
The lights were still on and blazing bright. The jukebox was on and playing a sad song I didn’t recognize. Asa was behind the bar and had turned around to see who was walking in when the doors opened. All I could think was that Dixie was dead wrong. His eyes shone brighter than the sun and hotter than the neon signs on the wall behind him from the distance that separated us. He was a glowing golden beacon of all that I ever wanted, and he was just staring at me while I stood rooted on the spot.
He looked a little rough. He had lost some weight and his normally short, blond hair had encroached on shaggy territory complete with unruly curls that upped his handsome level to devastating. He had more than a scruff of gold fuzz on his face, and where a flirty grin usually lived on his mouth there were fine white lines bracketing a tight frown. I took a deep breath and told myself that even if he had hurt me, even if he was still playing some kind of awful game, I was a big enough person to make sure he was all right. I could live my life without Asa Cross in it even if I didn’t want to. When I started walking toward the bar, I saw him tense up as he moved forward and leaned on the opposite side with his arms spread far apart.
“What are you doing here, Red?” He didn’t sound upset that I was here, but he didn’t sound happy to see me either.
I made my way all the way up to the bar and pushed a couple of the stools out of the way so I could stand directly across from him with the wood of the bar top pressing into my middle.