Her whiskey-tinted eyes narrowed just a fraction. “Sounds like you’re right in the middle of messy and complicated to me.”
“Yeah, and for once my inclination isn’t to cut and run but to stay and fight. Rowdy always mattered a lot to me. Now it’s in a different way, but I’m not about to let him go without a very good reason.”
Royal suddenly jumped in the conversation in her typically brash way.
“Okay, I’m not part of the inner circle, so I’m going to ask what I know we all have to be thinking.” Her eyes were almost as black as my own and they were sparkling with mischief. “Did he sleep with her—your sister, I mean? Because if he did that’s kind of weird and I think that along with the proposal might have you wanting to rethink the whole situation.”
I recoiled and made a face. There was no way I would’ve ever let him put his hands on me if I was following in my sister’s sexual footprints. “No. I asked her about it all the time when they left for the same college. She never even let him steal a kiss.”
Royal threw her fall of auburn hair over her shoulder and leaned forward intently. “So whatever reason he had for popping the question had to have been pretty major and wasn’t driven out of true love. I’ve met Rowdy, I’ve seen him around other women. That is not a guy that is going to tie himself to a woman he hasn’t gone to bed with. No way in hell.”
“He says he loved her and she broke him.” I hated the pain I heard in my own voice when I forced the words out.
“Maybe he did but there are different kinds of love. Maybe he loved her like a sister or a best friend and he just didn’t know the difference. Maybe he was just trying to protect her. I’m not a detective yet but I can tell those things don’t add up. Especially not with the way he hustled you into bed the second you gave him a green light. If your sister was the one, he never really would’ve been able to get past the guilt taking you to bed would have caused. Rowdy’s a good man, all your guys are. Just because he’s telling you that your sister was one thing doesn’t mean she really was. Look at his actions not his words.”
Her words stung and not just because they were no-nonsense and matter-of-fact but because I knew that if I did what she said I would be the one that ended up crippled by guilt. His actions back then had been clear. He needed me, relied heavily on me, and even knowing that, I still had left. My own wants and needs had outweighed everything else at the time, and now, looking back on it, I realized that while I’d had to leave, there was maybe a better way for me to have gone about it. I let my dad force my hand, had given in to the pressure to run away from all the bad things instead of leaving on my own terms and taking a stand for the shards of good that were buried deep in the Texas soil. Rowdy and I had shared everything—given each other the support we needed to make it in a place neither one of us wanted to be. I should have talked to him, included him in my choice to leave. It still would have sucked, still would’ve stunned him, but he wouldn’t have felt like I just abandoned him. My actions were the ones that spoke volumes and in retrospect I hated it.
However, Royal was also right about the love he had for my sister possibly being something other than true love. He had never treated Poppy the same way he treated me. With her he had always been reserved and quiet—with me there were no boundaries and no shame. I just wasn’t sure what that meant now that I was asking him for so much more than his friendship.
Luckily I didn’t have to dwell on it for too long because Royal was on a roll and her attention switched to Ayden.
“What is your brother’s story?” Her interest seemed far more than casual or professional curiosity.
Ayden snorted.
“Asa’s story is one that takes place deep in a small Kentucky town, detours into juvie, drugs, girls, and general criminal pursuits and mayhem.” Ayden gulped and her hands curled into tight fists on the tabletop. “It almost ended with a brutal beatdown a little while ago because he decided to rip off a motorcycle club and they retaliated with baseball bats. He was in a coma and almost died. He’s never met a rule that applied to him or a law he didn’t want to break and it finally caught up with him.”
Shaw reached out and squeezed Ayden’s shoulder. When it was apparent the brunette was too full of emotion to go on, Cora picked up the rest of the tale.
“Ayden and Jet brought Asa back to Denver so that he could heal and get back on his feet. Much to everyone’s surprise Rome took an instant liking to him and put him to work in the bar. I think the Big Guy is keeping an eye on him because he’s worried Asa will fall back into his old ways but they have a really solid working relationship and Rome knows all about trying to rebuild a life from the ground up.”
It was clear she was proud of her gruff ex-solider for reaching out to Ayden’s troubled sibling.
Royal let out a dreamy sigh. “I could just stare at Asa all day.”
I had to agree. The Cross siblings were unbelievable to look at. I lifted an eyebrow at her and picked up my drink. “The cop and the criminal?”
She wrinkled her nose. “That sounds like a terrible title for a romance novel.”
Cora laughed. “Or a bad p**n o.”
“It doesn’t hurt to look, is all I’m saying.” Royal settled back in her chair and her dark eyes danced with merriment.
Ayden told her, “He won’t go anywhere near anyone with a badge. No matter how pretty you might be. He’s not exactly reformed. I’m not sure he ever will be.”
“He’s still breaking the law?” Now Royal’s attention was anything but cheeky and cute.
“No.” Ayden sighed heavily. “No, at least not that I know of, but Asa has impulse control issues and that never ends well. He’s happy here. He loves the Bar and he has gotten really tight with Rome and even Rowdy, but sometimes when opportunity comes knocking Asa has a hard time leaving the door closed no matter what’s waiting for him on the other side of it. That’s why I’m worried about what’s going to happen to him when Jet and I leave. I feel like part of the reason he’s been on the straight and narrow is because he knows I’m here watching.”
Her words were a somber reminder that these nights where all of the girls could get together in one place and discuss life and all its challenges and rewards were numbered. Shaw actually teared up a little but blamed it on pregnancy hormones. When Ayden and Jet moved away there was definitely going to be a void left in the group and I realized just how close they all were. They really had formed their own family and blood relations had nothing to do with it.
“I’ll be back when that baby is born, you can count on it.”
Cora gave Shaw an evil grin. “What if it’s twins? I thought I got off easy only having to spawn one giant Archer offspring. What if you end up with two?”
Shaw groaned and put a hand on her still-flat midsection. “Rule is rolling pretty well with the whole surprise pregnancy thing. Two babies instead of one might just be enough to send him over the edge.” She smiled and her bright green gaze got a little wistful. “Married, a baby on the way . . . If you asked me a couple years ago if any of that would have applied to Rule Archer, I would’ve hurt myself laughing.” She looked directly at me. “It’s amazing the way things can change.”
There was no arguing with her about that. All these women had experienced some major life changes and none of them seemed the worse off for any of it. In fact they all seemed stronger and better for enduring those changes and coming out on the other side of things. I always hightailed it before whatever result was waiting for me, even if the result was something that would make my life better.
“Well, all I know is that I’m looking forward to seeing what comes next. So far where Rowdy is concerned I have yet to be disappointed and I’m feeling really fortunate he found such a great group of people to call his own. You guys have taken better care of him than anyone else ever did.”
“We love him.” Ayden’s words were matter-of-fact as Cora and Shaw nodded in agreement.
“He’s easy to love.” He always had been.
Cora leaned forward and rested her elbows on the table and then propped her chin in her hand. She really did look like a punk-rock pixie.
“I think you probably are as well, Salem. Phil knew good people when he saw them. He never in a million years would have put you on the path back to Rowdy if he didn’t think that was what was best for one of his boys. He had to believe you are what’s going to be best for Rowdy in the long run.”
I had never felt like I was easy to love. Too many years spent hearing about how awful I was, about how I would never amount to anything unless I changed my ways, made me believe I was difficult and not worth the work. I think that was why I never stuck around in one place for too long. It cut down on the risk that I would eventually be told I was too much or that I wasn’t enough. Neither of those things was acceptable to me, so I just left and I was never anything to anyone.
In the back of my mind I heard Rowdy whispering to me over and over again that at one point in time I was everything to him. I silently wondered if too much time had gone by for me to get back to that place with him. I wanted to matter that much again. Right now it was the only thing on earth I wanted.
CHAPTER 11
Rowdy
I WAS THE LAST one left in the LoDo shop on a quiet Saturday night. My appointment ran late because the burly rugby player that had assured me he had a “high pain tolerance” had actually been a giant baby and the design which should’ve taken no more than two hours somehow managed to stretch out into four and a half. I was glad to be done and had sent Salem on her way after assuring her I would lock up and put the final payment where it was supposed to go when I was done. She would more than likely have stuck around just to keep me company while I struggled through the appointment, but I think having a pretty girl that kept looking over in sympathy was making the guy act out even more. I was sick of the drama, so I told her I would stop by her place when I was done.
It was becoming more and more common, me going to her place after work, especially when I was at the Marked, since she lived right down the street, and her waiting for me until I was done when I did my shift downtown so we could go get something to eat or grab a drink together. Somehow without noticing it I had slipped into a relationship with a girl I was terrified would leave me again. Asa’s words about there being a million different girls for the millions of firsts kept a steady rhythm in my head when it came to Salem.
She was the first girl I kept around for more than one night. She was the first girl I ever actually dated and not just slept with. She was the first girl I could ever remember that made me both hot and bothered and cold and frozen in the same breath. Every time I took her to bed, or put my mouth on her, or held her close, the nagging thought that I better enjoy all of it while she was still around slapped me across the back of the head and reminded me I better be careful because if it had ripped me apart when she left before, I felt like it would hollow me out and leave me empty when she left me now.
I had gone from all the “remember whens” to appreciating all the things she brought with her to the here and now. We were no longer catching up and reminiscing but learning about each other as the adult versions of ourselves, and I had to say I liked all the things that came with grown-up Salem Cruz a whole lot.
My favorite thing was how she seamlessly fit into my life and in with my friends. It was like she had always been part of the Marked family and like she had always been in D-town. She was funny. She was still brutally honest but in a more subtle way than Cora was. She called me out when I got uncomfortable and put on the charm and flirt to distract her from whatever topic I was trying to avoid, usually something having to do with the past and her sister. She had lived an interesting life in the time since she had left Loveless behind, and her travels and experiences made for a lot of valuable life experience and a truly independent woman. I loved that if I was tired or wanted to go hang out with Jet when he was in town, she didn’t care. She was perfectly fine on her own and I found that remarkably sexy. And while she was okay letting me just do my thing while she did hers, when we were in bed together it really felt like there was no physical way to get close enough.