“Isn’t this the gift Nan sent?” Grant asked as he tucked it in beside me.
“Yes, it is,” I replied. I didn’t explain myself further.
He nodded and pushed me with Lila Kate down the long hall, to the elevator, then out to the hospital valet parking, where a silver Land Rover was parked.
“A gift from your father. He said you needed a family car now. Something safe,” Grant explained as he walked over to open the door. “I tried to tell him I’d supply my family with a safe car, but he said it was his gift and that I didn’t get a say. Add a few choice curse words in there, and you get the idea.” Grant grinned as he walked back to me and scooped Lila Kate up into his arms like a pro.
“You’ve got some pretty luxurious travel digs, too. Compliments of Gramps,” Grant told her as he buckled her into her car seat, which looked very complicated. Grant seemed to know what he was doing.
When he finished, he took my hand, gently led me out of the wheelchair, and walked me over to the passenger door. “How did you know how to buckle her in?” I asked as I got in.
“I’ve been studying the manual for the past three days. When Kiro brought it with the Land Rover, I figured I’d better make sure I was using it correctly.”
He was that dad. The one I had wanted so much for him to be. He adored our little girl, and he was reading safety manuals for car seats.
“You’re wonderful,” I told him, and he smirked.
“You just now figuring that out?”
He closed my door and went around the car to get in on the driver’s side. Instead of starting the car, he stared a moment, then turned to look at me. He went pale.
“What’s wrong?” I sat up straight and leaned over to touch his leg. Was he going to be sick?
“I have to drive her. I didn’t . . . I guess I didn’t think about that until this moment. She’s so tiny.”
I bit back a smile, because he was very serious. “Grant, drive us home. Now. You are a safe driver, and she is in a safe vehicle and a top-of-the-line car seat. You can do this, baby. You’re overthinking it.”
He nodded and took a deep breath, then started up the car. We pulled out slowly, made our way out of the parking lot, and headed home.
Grant went ahead of us and turned on her bedroom light. I waited outside the door, holding an alert and happy Lila Kate. She had woken up happy when we got her out of her car seat. She didn’t like being strapped down and seemed thrilled to be getting out of it.
“Welcome home,” I told her as we stepped into her room. I held her so she could see every part of her room. The huge unicorn that Dean Finlay had sent stood in the corner, and her little eyes kept going back to its bright colors. Grant motioned for me to sit in the glider.
“You need to rest. You can hold her, but sit while you’re doing it.”
He was back to taking care of me, and I knew after what he had been through, I had to let him. For a man who was scared of loving someone and losing them, he had grabbed on with both hands and held on tight. He hadn’t allowed me to give up. When I’d been trying so hard to open my eyes in the hospital room, I’d heard his voice. I don’t accept that I won’t get forever with you.
I hadn’t accepted it, either. At that moment, I had known I’d open my eyes. He had needed me to, and I had been ready to see our baby girl.
My sweet Lila Kate,
Today we brought you home from the hospital. I’ve been wrapped up in your beautiful face for the past week. I wasn’t there right away for you. It was just you and Daddy for the first two and a half days. But I came back. I opened my eyes. I missed your daddy, and I couldn’t wait to meet you.
We have so many things to experience together. I look forward to the day you say your first word and the day you take your first steps. I imagine your daddy and I will be a mess when we take you to your first day of kindergarten. When you tell me about your first crush. When I roll your hair for your first dance. When I see you in your cap and gown as you graduate from high school and go on to achieve great things.
But right now, I want to hold you and kiss each of your little toes. I want to read you the books I filled your room with. I look forward to our sleepless nights together and the times you spit up all over me and I have to change. Those little things won’t be a chore or difficult for me. I will embrace them, because I almost didn’t get to experience them at all.
So you take your time growing up. I don’t want to rush a thing. I want to savor every moment. The good, the messy, and the messier. Bring it on, Lila Kate, because I look forward to every minute of it.
Love you always,
Mommy
Grant
Harlow was bathing, and I was on Lila Kate duty. She was sleeping peacefully, but Harlow didn’t like for her to wake up and cry because we weren’t there. Harlow said she was scared, and she wanted to make sure we were there.
I laid the stack of letters wrapped in the red satin ribbon down in front of me on the bed. I was almost afraid to look at the descriptions on each one. I didn’t want to think about the circumstances in which I would have to read these. It hurt even to think about. But Harlow had written these letters for me.
One was labeled for the day after her funeral. One was for the first time I took care of Lila Kate alone. One was for the day she started kindergarten. One was for the day I thought I could love again. That one I wasn’t going to be able to open, because that day would have never come. I couldn’t love someone else or even try to, because it wouldn’t have been fair to that person. In my heart, it would have always been Harlow. No one could take her place. And every time our daughter smiled up at me, I would be able to see her mother and remember the sacrifice she made so this perfect little girl could have a life.