When the door shut behind her, Nick helped Beth off the table and pulled her into his arms. She stood stiffly, unable to feel anything other than the darkness that was descending on her. Sensing her detachment, he pulled back to study her face. “Honey, it’s going to be all right. Let’s get through this and then we’ll go home.”
Beth turned vacant eyes on him and said, “I caused this. I’ve hid, lied, and avoided eating, and I starved one of my babies to death to keep from proving my parents right. I killed our baby, Nick. What kind of person does that? I was supposed to take care of them, but all I could think about was myself. What kind of mother does that? You should hate me; I hate myself.”
She saw Nick’s face pale as he started shaking his head in denial. “Stop it. You didn’t do this. You heard what the doctor said—this happens so much it has a name. Don’t do this to yourself. Let’s go talk to the doctor and she can tell you that you didn’t cause this.”
Beth pulled her arm out of his grip and walked to the door. “I’m not going to talk to the doctor; I’m going to the car. You can go if you want to. Hurry, though. We need to eat on the way home. I’m not going to starve my last baby, like I did my other one.”
“Beth . . . princess.” Seeing that there was nothing he could say at this point that would get through to her, Nick handed her his car keys and told her he would be out after he talked with the doctor. As she walked out the door, he slumped back into the seat.
* * *
Nick dropped his head as tension raced through his body. “Fuck!” What in the hell had just happened? He had barely recovered from the shock of finding out they were no longer having twins when Beth threw him for an even bigger loop. The blank look on her face threw him more than the doctor’s words had. She truly believed that she had killed one of their babies. The look on her face went beyond grief. It was the look of someone who had become their own judge, jury, and executioner. She had found herself guilty of something so heinous that she couldn’t deal with it without shutting down.
He knew in that moment that pushing her to voice her fears to the doctor was hopeless. At this point, she wouldn’t believe a word that anyone said. He should probably be grateful that she mentioned breakfast, but somehow that only made things more eerie. Someone in a normal frame of mind would be too upset to think of food. For Beth to want to eat now, after what had just happened, gave credence to her belief that she had starved her baby to death.
Getting to his feet, he opened the door and followed the nurse to the doctor’s office. She probably assumed that Beth would be coming back to accompany him, but he didn’t see the need to explain it to her. He would tell the doctor about Beth’s eating problems and, hopefully, get some reassurances from her that it had not affected the babies. At this point, he would never admit anything otherwise to Beth. Whether the doctor knew it or not, Beth was so fragile that one more blow might break her, and that was something that he could never allow to happen, even if he had to save her from herself.
When he left the doctor’s office and settled in the car beside a still-quiet Beth, he, at least, had answers that he could share with her when she was ready to listen to them. He would give her a few days to deal with her grief. They both needed that. He was more upset than he could have imagined. Somewhere along the way, he had gotten very possessive of Beth and the babies and it was a huge blow to realize that there were no longer two babies. Yeah, he could give her a few days, but after that, she was going to listen to him. After they had a meal that he no longer had any desire for and after Beth was settled, he would call Suzy to get her support, too.
Beth would probably want to take a few days off. Everything was going to be fine. Really? Then why don’t you believe it? He only had to look at the stiff profile of the woman sitting next to him to know that, despite his pep talk to himself, it wasn’t going to be a simple matter to bring her back to herself again.
Chapter Twenty-seven
“It’s been a week, Nick. What is going on over there?” Suzy demanded.
Nick ran a hand over the back of his neck, trying to ease some of the tension gathering there. “Nothing has changed, Suzy. She eats, she drinks, she walks around the block, and then she goes back to bed. She takes care of every basic need that the pregnancy book tells her to and then she blanks out until the next meal.”
“Have you tried talking to her again?”
Releasing a pent-up breath, Nick snapped back, “Of course! I talk to her constantly. She either gives me a one-word answer or ignores me. I fix her meals, fix her snacks, trail her on her walks . . . and I might as well be invisible. If I mention anything about the doctor’s appointment and it not being her fault, she walks off. I thought she was grieving, but she never cries or shows any emotion. It’s pretty damn scary.”
“Screw this; I’m coming over. You need help.”
“No, Suzy, please don’t. The last time you were here, she locked her door for the rest of the evening, which drove me up the wall. We just need to give her some more space. She’s eating and taking care of herself so we can’t risk upsetting her right now.”
“Shit, yeah, okay. I’ll give you a few more days, but this can’t go on forever. I’m worried about her.”
“I know you are. So am I. I’m just trying to keep her calm. It hasn’t been that long since we found out, so she just needs more time.”
* * *
Beth ate on autopilot. She didn’t taste food anymore; she didn’t care what it was. The only thing that mattered was saving the baby that she still carried in her womb. If not for that, she felt sure she would curl into a ball and never come out again. The only emotion she felt was anger at herself. The sorrow had dimmed as the blame intensified. Had it been a boy or girl, before she ended its life?
The one thing she could remember about the doctor’s appointment now was how proud she had been of losing weight. All those weeks of denying herself had seemed worth it as the number on the scale flashed. How far would she have gone if her appointment had been a few more weeks away? Would she have starved both babies in her paranoia of gaining weight?
Nick tried to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, but surely he must blame her. He had to be lying to reassure her. A part of her knew that she was being unfair, but that fairness no longer seemed important to her. Her life now revolved solely around taking care of this pregnancy. She didn’t want to return to work, she didn’t want to talk to friends or family, and she only tolerated Nick because he took care of the things that she wasn’t willing to, like grocery shopping and anything that would require her to rejoin the outside world.
She vaguely remembered Suzy coming by. Just as Nick had, she’d tried to reassure her that she wasn’t to blame for the loss of the baby. Beth had tolerated her until her sister had finally given up and gone away. After that, Beth had locked the door, afraid of who would be visiting next. She didn’t want pity, sympathy, or understanding. No one understood what she was going through or where her head was, and it pissed her off when they acted as if they did.