He looked discomfited. He sighed again and then ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even more. It fell back over his forehead and this time she did reach up to smooth it. His gaze softened when she touched him, almost as if she’d given him much-needed reassurance.
“The first thing you have to understand is that Ash and I . . .” He broke off. “Jesus, there’s no way to say this without it sounding all sorts of fucked up.”
“Just say it,” she urged. “I’m not going to be angry. How could I be? You don’t hold my past against me. How could I hold yours against you?”
“You’re so damn sweet,” Jace murmured. “I don’t how I got so lucky. When I think what would have happened if I hadn’t seen you that night. If I hadn’t found you at the shelter . . . It guts me, Bethany.”
Her eyes widened and her heart pounded as his words washed over her, warm and so very sweet. She had to be dreaming. Never had she imagined meeting a man like Jace. He was so honest. So straightforward. He wasn’t afraid to share his feelings. He wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable.
He averted his gaze, took a deep breath and plunged ahead.
“Ash and I shared women. A lot of women. As in, it was a lot more normal for us to hook up with the same woman than it was for either of us to go solo. They weren’t always one-night stands either.”
“Like me,” she said softly.
His eyes narrowed. “No. Not like you at all. You were different from the very first.”
“Go on,” she urged, not wanting to distract him from their conversation.
“The thing is, we had threesomes a lot. I’m no saint, Bethany, and I damn sure haven’t lived as a monk. And like Ash told you that first night, we like control. In all aspects. It’s a kink. It’s a turn-on. But it goes deeper than that, at least for me. And maybe that’s why I never really got into a serious one-on-one relationship with a woman. As long as it was confined to a kinky threesome, it seemed to fit better. It came off more as a game and no one took it very seriously. But for me, it is serious. It’s what I like. It’s what I need. And if you want or need an explanation as to why, I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you. It just is. I’ve never met a woman who made me consider suppressing that part of myself. Until . . . you.”
Her body tensed in alarm, her protest immediate. “Jace, I don’t want you to be someone else for me.”
“But you don’t know what you’re getting into,” he said in a low voice.
She shifted up on the couch, relieved they were finally getting somewhere. She pushed up, leaning closer to him, staring intently into his eyes.
“So tell me. Lay it out for me. How do you know what I can or can’t accept if you won’t tell me what your wants and needs are?”
“Because I’m afraid you won’t want the same things I do,” he admitted.
“I think I might surprise you, Jace,” she said in a low voice. “You know about my . . . past. I told you how things were.”
Jace’s hand cupped her cheek, his eyes suddenly fierce. “Don’t, baby. There’s no need to rehash it all. I don’t like how it hurts you, and it just reinforces in your mind that you somehow aren’t good enough for me. That’s bullshit.”
She smiled, warmed by the intensity in his tone.
“What I was going to say is that not all of that sex was vanilla. The truth is, I think I tried it all. You aren’t going to shock me. And I need to know what you expect so that I know if I can be that woman you need.”
He leaned forward until their foreheads touched. His finger traced a line over the curve of her cheek and then down to feather over her lips.
“I like a woman to be completely under my control. There is something enticing about having a woman dependent solely on me for her care, for her pleasure, for everything. I like to pamper and spoil them but I’m also demanding. The thing is, I knew a long time ago that if I ever did enter a permanent relationship my control would extend out of the bedroom and into all aspects of our life together. There aren’t a lot of women willing to sign on for that. At least, not a woman who’s in it for the right reasons.”
Her brow furrowed in confusion. “Right reasons?”
“Money,” he said grimly. “When you have as much money as I do, there are many women willing to put up with anything for what it buys them. That’s not the woman I want in my life or in my bed on a permanent basis. I want a woman who wants the same things that I do. Me in control. Me taking care of her. Me acting out my kinks with her. I want her to want me. Not my damn money, and I don’t want her to suffer a relationship she finds abhorrent because the price is right.”
“And those kinks are?”
He pulled back slightly but she caught his shoulders, forcing him to look at her.
“Tell me, Jace. You’re not going to shock me.”
“I like pain,” he said quietly. “Inflicting pain.”
He looked uneasy as he studied her for her reaction and she was careful not to give him one. Instead, she waited for what he’d say next.
When she didn’t respond, he went on, his shoulders relaxing just a bit, almost as if he’d expected her to react strongly to his admission.
“I’m not saying I abuse women. God. It makes me sick to even imagine you thinking that about me. I sound like a hypocrite. I’m violently protective of the women in my care and yet I like to inflict pain.”
“How so?”
She was still speaking calmly and he was studying her hard as if watching for her to get up and run screaming from the apartment at any time.
“Crops. Paddles. Belts. I like rough sex. I like role-playing. I like bondage. Sometimes I feel like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because there are times when I worship the woman I’m with. Savor. Touch, kiss, make love to. And other times? I want it my way. Any way I want. Tied up, helpless. Ass reddened by my spanking. Sometimes the sex is all about her and her orgasm. But sometimes it’s all about mine.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” she said calmly.
“Do you understand that I would be in absolute control over every aspect of our relationship, Bethany? Do you really get that? That every decision will be made by me. Where we eat, what we eat, where we go, where you go. When we have sex. When we don’t have sex. What you wear. Who you talk to. Are you getting it yet? I’m a controlling bastard and that won’t change. Are you really willing to sign on for something like that?”
“And if I’m not?” she asked, studying him every bit as intently as he studied her.