A part of her couldn’t accept what she feared was true until she was presented irrefutable evidence, and in this case it would mean facing Lucas and having him tell her.
It made her stupid. It made her …It made her someone she didn’t want to be. She hated it. But God, how do you just stop loving someone? How? It wasn’t like flipping a switch. She’d been with Lucas an entire year. She’d only been back with Cole a few days.
She couldn’t cheapen her love for Cole by being as fickle as to say she no longer loved Lucas. What would that say about what she felt for Cole?
The words burned in her throat and she knew she had to tell him. She had to explain. And oh God, if he didn’t understand, if he grew angry, she didn’t know what she’d do because there was nothing left for her but the truth.
She opened her mouth but the words stuck. How she hated this horrible paralysis that gripped her.
Then Cole’s gentle hand slid over her cheek and turned her more fully to face him.
“Talk to me, Ren. There’s such torment in your eyes. I can’t stand to see you this way.”
Her throat swelled and then tightened into a vicious knot that she could barely breathe around.
“I love him,” she whispered.
Something died in Cole’s eyes. His hand drifted slowly down until it lay on his leg. It was then that she realized that she’d never been honest with her feelings about him. Everything had happened so fast and she’d battled so many conflicting emotions. There was never a doubt in her mind that she loved Cole deeply. Always had. But she hadn’t told him and now she’d just blurted out that she loved Lucas and in Cole’s mind that meant she was choosing him over Cole.
She put both hands to his face, forcing him to look at her as she pleaded with him with her gaze. But instead of saying anything she pressed her lips to his in a hungry kiss and poured every ounce of her feelings for him into that kiss.
“Please forgive me,” she whispered. “I’m so terrible at something that is so important. Please just listen while I explain.”
“What else is there to say?” he asked hoarsely.
“I love you, Cole. I love you so damned much.”
His brows furrowed and he looked utterly perplexed. “But you just said …”
She nodded. “I did. I just thought all this out in my head but instead of thinking it, I should have been saying it to you. I love you. I’ve always loved you. Even when I was so hurt and devastated by you leaving me. My loving Lucas doesn’t change that. It may sound ridiculous. Maybe you don’t even believe me. But it’s true.
“I’ve been with Lucas for a year. It took me a long time to sort out my feelings for him. I already told you that in the beginning I was using him. Not maliciously. But I clung to him because he was an anchor in a tumultuous time in my life. I needed him. He provided so much of what I needed to get back on track. I respected him. I liked him. He was a friend and a lover. I’m not even sure when all of that changed and became something deeper and more meaningful. Maybe I didn’t even realize it myself until he took me to you. Because it hurt. It hurt more than I could have imagined that he walked away from me so easily. It was like swallowing a torch and being burned from the inside out.
“But then there was you. So damn perfect. So caring and loving. Seeing you again was like having the past hit me like a tidal wave. I immediately knew that if I’d ever told myself that I’d stopped loving you, I was a damn liar.
“But oh God, Cole. I love Lucas too, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t just turn that off. Even if he has left me and moved on. I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with that. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to disrespect you. But I can’t pretend like this isn’t tearing me up inside. I can’t pretend I don’t love him when I do. But I can’t—I wont—have you think that I don’t love you with every thing I have.”
Her breath came out as a sob, stuttering over shaking lips. She hadn’t realized how badly she was shaking all over until Cole gripped her arms with his hands and simply held her.
“I love you, Cole,” she whispered. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were second best or that I didn’t love you or that, God forbid, you were a substitute for Lucas and that any man could give me what I want and need.”
He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, his chest heaving against her. “Ren. My darling, Ren. I love you too. So damn much. So honest and so tormented. I wish you’d talked to me before. I hate that you’ve been feeling torn and afraid.”
“I didn’t even know myself what to say or what to do,” she said, muffled by her mouth against his throat.
She inhaled his scent, closed her eyes as his pulse beat against her lips. Steady and reassuring. Just like he always was. Her Cole.
“I love you,” she said again, because it seemed the right and best thing to say. Perhaps the only thing out of all the other stuff that mattered.
He kissed her hair, stroked her skin and simply held her as she clung to him.
“It will be all right, Ren. I swear to you,” Cole finally said. It was a vow. So firm that hope and comfort took hold. “We’ll find a way, darling. We’ll find it.”
PART 3
ren
CHAPTER 31
For several long, glorious days, Ren lived a pampered, idealistic existence. Cole saw to her every need, emotionally and physically. Captain Mike and C.J., were equally attentive whether it was to smooth sunblock over her skin or to bring up food or drink whenever she or Cole requested it.
She and Cole swam in the sea. They snorkeled along a reef not far from the boat and she delighted in all of the sea creatures she got to interact with.
One afternoon, they took the small outboard to the island they’d anchored off and picnicked on the sand. They played in the surf, took a nap in the shade of a palm tree and then motored back to the yacht at sunset.
Their two weeks were almost up, but neither broached the subject even though it weighed heavy on Ren’s mind. But she knew Cole thought about it too because she could see the way his eyes changed when he thought she wasn’t looking.
On the morning of their seventh day, she woke to Cole parting her legs and plunging deep inside her. He hadn’t worn a condom since that first day on the boat and she’d been fiercely relieved. It wasn’t as if they’d been completely irresponsible.
Both were healthy and had discussed their histories at the onset of their time together. It had been Lucas who’d insisted Cole wear a condom and he’d done so because he hadn’t wanted another man to have what was his. He’d wanted Ren to hold something back. Not let Cole enjoy the same privileges as Lucas had.
But neither Ren nor Cole had been willing to continue that line of respect in light of Lucas’s actions. And it had more to do with their own deep, personal connection than any regard or disregard for Lucas.
She wrapped her arms around Cole’s neck and let her palms slide over his shoulders to his back and down to his lean waist and over his firm buttocks.