When he turned and walked back to me, I could see the tense expression on his face. He was holding back the emotion I knew was strangling him while trying to stay strong for his mother.
His hand was back in mine the moment he was beside me.
I didn’t hear much that was said after that. I was too focused on West and the rigid way he was standing. It was as if he’d turned to stone. His grip on my hand was like he was holding on to me for fear I’d run off.
I was okay with that. I didn’t intend to leave him.
As the casket began to lower into the grave, West inhaled sharply, and his mother stood up and grabbed on to his arm, leaning into him. He wrapped his arm around his momma and held her against him.
Slowly, people began to leave. Some came by and patted West on the back and said something to his mother, but it was all very quiet. Brady, Asa, Nash, Gunner, and Ryker all walked up and stood behind West. Each one squeezed his shoulder and said things like, “I’m here if you need me, man,” and “Love you, bro,” and “You need me, call me.”
West nodded and acknowledged all of them. Each one also stopped and hugged Olivia, which only made her cry more. Once they were done, they all slowly walked away. I didn’t know what West wanted me to do, but I knew my aunt and uncle were waiting on me.
I looked up at him. “I’ll stay if you need me.”
He glanced over at his mother, then back at me. “Can you get out tonight?”
I could do whatever he wanted me to do. I nodded.
“I’ll be at the bottom of the ladder at eleven.”
“I’ll meet you there.”
There was a knock on my bedroom door around ten that night. I knew my aunt and uncle were already in bed, so the only person it could be was Brady. I had stayed up here the rest of the day and tried to read. But my mind had been on West and his mother. If he needed me and called, I wanted to be alone so I could answer him.
Opening the door to Brady, I stared up at him curiously. He never came to my room. He barely even tried talking to me anymore. I couldn’t blame him. It was hard to talk to someone who didn’t talk back.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
I nodded, stepping back so he could come in. Again, something he never did. I knew this was about West. I imagined Brady had been worrying about him today too. It was hard not to after the last few days.
Brady walked in, his hands tucked into his front pockets, looking unsure of what to do or say.
“Mom and Dad are asleep, but sound travels down that hall. Could you close the door?” he asked.
I did as he asked.
“I saw you talk to him today. I thought I saw it before, but I definitely know I saw it today.”
I had expected this, eventually. Although I had tried not talking to him where people could see, there were times like today when I hadn’t worried about anything other than comforting West.
I didn’t reply. What did he want me to say? Did he expect me to admit it and talk to him? Because that would change everything. Tomorrow I’d have to face a life where people expected me to talk. They’d invade my privacy and want to know things I didn’t want to tell them.
Not talking was my security blanket. I wasn’t ready to let it go.
“I didn’t see it once, Maggie. I saw it several times. And I’ve seen it at school. You don’t always move your mouth, but West is listening to you. I can tell by his expression.” Brady sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not here to demand that you talk to me. Or anyone. I’m just . . . I’m confused. If you can talk, why wouldn’t you talk to everyone? Why just West?”
He was asking questions. Questions he wanted me to answer with my voice. But I wouldn’t talk, not tonight. I walked over to get the note pad on my window seat. I wrote:
He needs me. I understand him and his pain.
Then I handed the pad to Brady.
He read it then lifted his eyes back to me. “So, this is your connection. This is why he’s with you all the time and he’s all of the sudden holding your hand and acting like he needs you to breathe. He wasn’t lying about you just being friends. You’re helping him deal with all . . . this.”
I nodded.
Brady looked relieved. He held the note pad out for me. “I get it. But one day you’ll need to focus on helping you. Hiding from the world this way isn’t healthy. You’re not healing. You’re avoiding.”
No, I was protecting myself. I didn’t write that down, though. I just stood and waited for him to leave or say something else.
My phone dinged, and I reached into my pocket for it.
I’m outside. Waiting on you at the bottom of the ladder.
He was here. I glanced at the window then back at Brady.
“He’s out there, isn’t he?” Brady said, following my gaze to the window.
I could lie, but I trusted Brady. He loved West too.
So I nodded.
He gave me a sad smile. “Be careful, Maggie.”
He had said that before. Many times. I had told myself that too. But it no longer seemed to matter. I was past the point of being careful where West was concerned, and I didn’t know how to fix that. Or if I even wanted to.
I waited until he’d left my room then closed the door behind him and hurried to the window to climb out.
It Was Selfish, But I Did It Anyway
CHAPTER 32
WEST
The reality of my father’s death had exploded in my chest the moment they lowered him into the ground. In that moment it became real. Maggie had been right. It wasn’t a pain you could describe and nothing could ease it.
Momma cried all afternoon as I held her. Finally I got her to take a sleeping pill and go to bed. I had been strong for her as long as I could. I had to break down too. But selfishly, I wanted Maggie with me when I did. If she were there, I wouldn’t lose myself to the pain. She’d keep me from falling.
Staring up at her window, I watched as she opened it and climbed out. Today she hadn’t asked me stupid stuff like “Are you okay?” or “Is there anything I can do?” She was just there. Silently giving me strength.
When she started coming down the ladder, I put my hands on either side to steady it and stood beneath her in case she fell.
I didn’t need to talk. I just wanted her to go with me and be there as I sat in silence. Maggie would do that. It was one of the reasons she was so damn special.
“Let’s go,” I whispered when she was at the bottom, and then I led her back to the truck.
Maggie didn’t slide over beside me when she got in. I wanted her to, but I didn’t push it. She did it before because she’d wanted to. Our friendship line was getting blurred, and I knew it. I just wasn’t sure how to stop it. And tonight I didn’t want to stop it.
We drove without music or talking until we got to the bluff. I cut the engine and lights and just sat there. The lights from the town reminded me of Dad. The sharp pain hit me as I thought about the fact that he would never come up here again, would never sit in my truck and laugh at my driving again. He’d never . . . He’d never see me graduate. He wouldn’t be there when I got married. He wouldn’t be my kids’ grandfather.
My throat tightened, and I punched the steering wheel several times, trying to release some of my pain. He was gone. Forever. I’d never see my dad again.
Maggie was beside me, and her small hand covered one of mine. There was nothing to say. If her father were put on death row, she’d go through another version of this. At least now he was in prison. She knew he was breathing. He was there, even if she didn’t want to see him again.
“Do you have days when all you think about are the things she’ll never see in your life?” I asked her.
“Yeah. All the time,” she replied.
She was living this hell too. I chanted that over and over to myself, proving I wasn’t the only one. I began to relax enough to let go of the intense grip I had on the steering wheel.
In that moment I made a decision. I didn’t care about the line. I didn’t care about protecting our friendship. I just needed Maggie. I needed to feel her and forget all of this. I knew I was being selfish, but I had to do it anyway.
Turning, I slid a hand into her hair and covered her mouth with mine. I gave her a moment to decide. If she didn’t want this, she’d push me away.
But she didn’t. I’d known deep down, she wouldn’t. I knew she felt this between us too.
With each brush of her hand on my skin, I grew desperate. I wanted more of her. So when she leaned closer to me, I placed my hands on her hips and moved us both over to the passenger side. My thumbs grazed her bare skin as her arms wrapped around my neck and the shirt she was wearing lifted an inch.
Maggie shivered in my arms, causing my heart to pump even faster. She liked this as much as I did. The look in her eyes said everything I was feeling.
“Lift your arms, Maggie,” I instructed, not asking.
Without hesitation, she lifted her arms and let me take her shirt off. The delicate creamy skin of her shoulders made her look like an angel.
She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply when I slid the straps down her arms then pulled the bra away from her. “You’re beautiful,” I said breathlessly.
Leaning closer, I pressed a kiss to her neck, and she swallowed hard. Her hands came up to grip my shoulders as if she needed to hold on. I liked that. No, I fucking loved that. I wanted her to hold on to me. To trust me.