Nathan shrugged. He couldn’t deny either assertion.
“What’s going on with you, Nathan? I keep waiting for you to snap out of it. I get that what happened was bad. But you’re not getting better. In fact, I swear you look worse now than you did three months ago.”
Though Joe sounded frustrated, his words were tinged with worry. A worry that Nathan saw reflected in his family’s eyes every time they looked his way.
“This isn’t the place,” Nathan said in a low voice.
“No, it’s not. But where is? I can’t talk to you. You’re always working on that damn house, and if I come out and try to talk to you, you just hammer those goddamn nails and ignore me or you answer in one or two words. You’ve shut me out just like you’ve shut the rest of the family out. I’m not just one of your brothers, Nathan. I’m your twin.”
Nathan’s jaw ticked and he turned to stare at his brother. “What do you want from me?”
Joe’s eyes narrowed and he leaned in closer. “I want you to start acting like a goddamn human being instead of a fucking corpse. You didn’t die but you’re determined to act like you did. I get that this fucked you up. I get it, okay? But it’s frustrating as hell to watch you slip further and further away. At least talk to me—someone—and let us know how to help.”
Nathan glanced down the bleachers to see the rest of his family discreetly and not so discreetly watching the interchange between him and Joe. Then he turned back to his brother.
“Look, man—”
He was interrupted by the request to rise for the Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem. As he rose, his mom slipped her hand in his and squeezed. Just a reminder that she loved him. God, he loved her too. He glanced at the rest of his family—his brothers—standing with their wives. Van next to Sophie, holding Charlotte, as the last words of “The Star-Spangled Banner” faded. Seth, the sheriff’s deputy and honorary member of the Kelly family. Garrett next to his fiancée, Sarah, his expression content as she nestled against his side.
This was as ordinary as it got. Just another family gathering. The very thing he’d prayed so hard for when he’d been in captivity. Just another chance to see his family. Just be.
He smiled, and when the seniors made their entrance, his smile grew larger. He squeezed his mom’s hand back and then pulled his hand from her grasp and wrapped his arm around her.
“I love you, Ma,” he said close to her ear.
She turned and smiled. “I love you too, baby.”
The joy and relief in her eyes were crushing. He wasn’t the only one suffering. Logically he knew that. Had known it all along. But maybe he hadn’t known just how much his family had suffered since his return—and before—when they had no idea if he was alive or dead.
He would be better. He absolutely would work not to close himself off from his family as much. But first…First he had to make peace with the issue of Shea.
Frank Kelly had the huge barbeque pit out and the mouthwatering scent of hickory filtered through the air. In the sprawling backyard, shaded by oak trees, people laughed, talked and joked. The rain had long since stopped, and the sun had peeked from behind the clouds.
Rusty was enjoying being the center of attention—positively this time. It hadn’t always been the case in her young life. Nathan knew she’d worked hard to overcome the circumstances of her childhood. She’d found a home with a family who loved and accepted her.
He watched as she carted Charlotte around, accepting congratulations and hugs from the family as well as the number of family friends Marlene had summoned for the occasion.
Everyone looked happy. Content. Enjoying the day and celebrating a rite of passage for a girl on the brink of adulthood. It should be a fucking perfect day, but here he was, on the outside, worrying about Shea. An invisible, probably imaginary manifestation of his tortured mind.
Except those goddamn emails.
He shook his head. He couldn’t forget her. His life would be easier if he could. He could move on, work out his issues, enjoy being with his family, go to work with his brothers. Enjoy life and living.
But he couldn’t forget her or all she’d done for him. He owed her a debt he could never repay.
“Nathan. How’s it going?”
Nathan turned to see Donovan approaching, a beer in each hand. He held one out to Nathan as he came to a stop, and Nathan took it, but he didn’t open it right away.
“Good,” Nathan replied. “Nice day. Rusty’s enjoying herself.”
Donovan took a swallow of his drink and then glanced sideways at his brother. “So let’s cut through the bullshit for a minute. I know everyone’s dancing around you, afraid to say shit for hurting your feelings or whatever.”
Nathan burst out laughing. “God, you sound so much like Garrett right now.”
Donovan sent him a disgruntled look. “There’s no need to get insulting.”
Nathan chuckled again. “Just spit it out, Van. I’m not going to come apart at the seams.”
“Well, thank God,” Donovan muttered. “When are you going to come to work with us? I’m recruiting a new team. I want you on it.”
Blunt as ever. Donovan didn’t much see the value in pussyfooting around a subject. He tended to have more tact than Garrett, who gave new meaning to the term bull in a china closet, but it didn’t mean he was any less forceful in getting his opinion across.
“Why isn’t Joe on the new team?” Nathan asked, avoiding the more direct question of when he’d agree to join KGI.
“He’s training with Rio, but I don’t have any intention of leaving him there. The last thing I want is to send my brother off to parts unknown with Rio and his cave dwellers the minute I finally get him home for good. Ma would have a kitten anyway, and I’d likely be ostracized from the family. Since I don’t have a wife to cook for me yet, staying in Ma’s good graces is kind of important.”
Nathan grinned. “You pussy.”
Donovan shrugged, took another drink and then turned his gaze back on Nathan. “So? What are your plans? I’ll understand if you don’t want to join KGI, but you can’t just not do anything for the rest of your life. You and Joe could take this third team, but I have to know you’re both ready for it.”
Nathan sighed and finally opened his beer just to have something to do. It was tasteless on his tongue, but he swallowed eagerly, stalling. For what? More time? In some ways he hadn’t had nearly enough. In other ways he’d had far too much.
“You know I planned to join KGI. We talked about it.”
Donovan nodded. “Yeah, we did. When you and Joe got out. But that was before. I don’t know much about what you’re thinking these days at all.”
“My plans haven’t changed. Just delayed a little.”
“Okay, that’s fair enough. Got a time frame on your delay?”
Nathan’s mouth quirked up. Right now Donovan sounded like a pushy, heartless son of a bitch. His brothers had probably argued over who got to come over for this little come-to-Jesus moment. Garrett would have wanted the task. Sam would have said hell no. For all Sam’s anal hard-assedness, he wouldn’t have wanted to push Nathan too hard. He took his responsibilities as the oldest Kelly brother way too seriously, and as a result, he tended to get a little carried away with the idea he had to take care of his younger siblings.