“Yes,” I say in a low, husky tone that surprises me. “God, I would do more than that if you were here.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?” Her voice is a little off pitch, but in the most adorable way ever.
Jesus, she’s killing me. “Like kiss you while… I slip inside of you,” I say and she starts to breathe heavily. I want to keep going, but at the same time, there’s a voice in the back of my head telling me it’s wrong. Not like this. Not over the phone. Not when I just hid a bag of crystal underneath my mattress.
Right and wrong. Which one is right? Which one is wrong? How much do I care for her? A lot. More than a lot. I care for her so much that I want everything to be perfect when we finally do get together, so even though I’ve got the hugest hard-on, I force myself to step away and wait for the perfect moment to continue this.
“Nova, I… I think we should slow things down a little.” I’m one step away from touching myself and it’s almost physically impossible to pull my hand away, but I still manage to.
“Oh, okay.” Her voice falters and I feel like the biggest ass that’s ever existed.
I push back from the wall and turn the shower off, gradually turning the knob so that for a brief moment I get sprayed by icy-cold water to help cool me off and settle me down. “Hey, I’m getting out and I wanted to talk to you about something.” I pull the shower curtain back and step out, reaching for a towel. “Something pretty important.”
“Sure. What’s up?” She’s working hard to hide her disappointment, which makes it harder to dry off and start getting dressed.
“It’s actually about something I did,” I say, tugging a T-shirt over my head. “But give me a second because I want to tell you when I’m in my room.” As I slip into my jeans, I think about which thing I’m going to tell her. That I managed to take one photo of Lexi down or about what I have underneath my mattress. If I can confess that to her, I know I’ll be able to get rid of it. I just have to decide if I want to.
I go into my room, barefoot, my hair damp, and shut the door behind me. I turn and look at the spot on the wall where the photo of Lexi was, so lonely, surrounded by sketches and photos. Then I look down at my unmade bed, deciding. Which path do I want to go down here?
“I took down something from my wall today.” I sink down onto my bed and lower my head, pressing my fingertips to the bridge of my nose as I squeeze my eyes shut. “A picture of Lexi.” It’s excruciating to say it, blinding pain within my skull and heart, but at the same time I feel lighter.
“Oh my God, Quinton,” she says with empathy in her voice. “Are you okay? Jesus, if I would have known I wouldn’t have…” She trails off, feeling guilty.
“It’s okay, Nova. I’m okay.” I look back up and skim around the four walls of my bedroom. “I’ve still got a ways to go, too… there are still a lot of photos and pictures up.”
“But that’s a step in the right direction and each time it’ll get easier. I promise.”
“I hope so,” I tell her, then slide to the floor and kneel down at the side of my bed. “I have to tell you something else, but it’s not good—it’s bad.” Before I can chicken out, I hurry and sputter, “Someone gave me a bag of meth today and I have it underneath my mattress.” As soon as I say it, I wonder why the hell I thought this was a good idea, throwing this on her. I need to stop relying on her so much—need to stand on my own two feet.
I’m about to hang up, because really it’s the only choice, but then she says, “Did you do any of it?”
“No.” My voice shakes as I grip the side of the mattress and battle to breathe evenly.
“Do you want to?” she asks calmly.
“Yes.” My voice is full of desperation.
“Are you… are you going to?” There’s a hint of worry in her tone.
“I’m not sure,” I admit. “I want to, but I also want to throw it away.”
“Then throw it away,” she says, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to do.
“I don’t think I can.” My hands quiver just at the thought of it and I rest my forehead on the mattress, still on my knees “It feels f**king impossible.”
“Yes, you can.” She sounds so certain and I have no idea how she’s doing it—managing to sound so calm when I know she can’t be. “Just take it and dump it down the toilet. You can do this. I know you can.”
“You have too much faith in me,” I say, slipping my fingers between the bed and the mattress, fighting the urge to hang up on her and turn to what’s only inches away from my fingertips.
“No, I have the right amount,” she replies. “Now let me know when you have it and you’re headed to the bathroom. And don’t hang up on me.” It’s like she can read my mind.
I sit there forever, going back and forth with what I want and need to do. At one point I grab the bag of crystal and put it back. Then pull it out again and open it, staring at the white crystals so close I can almost taste them. But I can also hear Nova breathing on the other end. Soft and full of concern. Acting calm, when I’m sure she’s freaking out. I want to throw them away just for her, but I have to wonder if it’s possible to care for someone so much that I’d give this up. Do I care for her that much?
After a lot of deliberating, I come to one simple answer.
Yes. I care about her that much.
I get to my feet and make my way to the bathroom, not speaking. Then I lift up the toilet seat and, shutting my eyes, I tip the bag over, pour the contents into the water, and flush them down.
“Did you do it?” Nova asks at the sound of the flushing.
I press my lips together, resting back against the bathroom wall, realizing how sweaty I am and how much I’m gasping for air. “I did.”
“See, I knew you could do it,” she says with relief in her voice. “I knew you’d do the right thing.”
The right thing? Is that what I just did? Sometimes it feels like it is, but there are other times when it feels like what I’m doing is so wrong and disrespectful to Lexi. But through the right and wrong, there’s always one thing that gives me hope and that’s Nova. She’s what keeps me going.
Chapter 10
December 23, day fifty-five in the real world
Nova
Quinton freaked me out yesterday, but I think I did well hiding it and calming him down. At least I hope so. But part of me can’t help but wonder if he’ll end up doing drugs again. I can’t stop obsessing over it and all I want to do is go to Seattle and see him—make sure everything is going okay.
On top of everything else, Tristan’s freaking me out too. He keeps giving me these come-hither looks from across the room, and while I was taking a shower this afternoon, he walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. This is not good at all. I can see it leading to a very bad place where everything is going to crumble. I need to find a way to talk about it with him, tell him how I feel, but I’m worried about how he’s going to react.
“Oh, Nova Dova,” Lea singsongs as she comes skipping into my room with a grin on her face. “Are you ready to rock and roll?”
She’s dressed up in a torn shirt, cutoffs, fishnet tights, and boots. Her hair’s been teased and her eyes lined with liquid liner. My outfit’s a little mellower: black plaid skirt, a tank top with a vest over it, and minimal eye shadow, but I did stain my lips red.
“As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” I say with zero enthusiasm as I get up from my bed. Not only am I unenthused to play tonight, I’m also not thrilled to be meeting Lea’s boyfriend, either. I’ve been a downer lately and I can tell Lea is picking up on this, although she thinks it has something to do with the band.
She puts her hands on her h*ps and narrows her eyes at me. “Hey, cheer up. Everything’s going to be fine. You’re going to rock tonight.”
“Rocking is the least of my problems,” I tell her, grabbing my leather jacket from my bedpost. “I’m worried the wrong person’s going to see me and then I’m going to get kicked out of my band.”
“How would anyone see you?” she asks, lowering her hands to her sides. “Aren’t Sterling and Jaxon in New York right now?”
“Yeah, but Nikko’s not.” I put my jacket on and flip my hair out of the collar. “Plus, we have to go pick up my drums from Jaxon’s house, which is going to come off a little bit suspicious.”
“No it won’t,” she says, backing toward the doorway of my room and spinning around on her heels. “Just tell them you’re bringing your drums home to practice over the weekend. You’ve done that before.”
I follow her into the living room. There’s a candle burning, a soothing lavender scent, but it does nothing to settle the restlessness inside me. “Yeah, before the Millersons from the apartment below complained about the noise.”
“So what?” she says, leaning over and blowing out the candle. “Jaxon, Spalding, and Nikko don’t need to know that.”
“We’ll see.” I button up my coat and head for the front door, ready to get the night over with. It’s probably the first time I haven’t been excited to play and I’m not sure if it’s because I feel like I’m cheating on my band or because my head’s in another place. “I just hope this all doesn’t blow up in my face.”
She picks up the car keys and tosses them to me. “It won’t. I promise.”
Sighing, I open the front door to head outside. But Tristan walks out of his bedroom and I pause as he picks up his jacket like he’s about to go somewhere.
He’s dressed in a plaid shirt and nice jeans, and his hair’s a little damp like he’s just gotten out of the shower. “So what time do you guys go on?” he asks, he walks past the kitchen and heads toward us.
“In a couple of hours.” My brows knit as he puts his jacket on. “Are you coming with us?”
“Yeah,” Lea answers for him as she slips a pair of fingerless gloves on. “He said he wanted to come and I said he could because I thought we could use a man’s help getting the drums out of the garage and into the trunk of your car.” She gives me an apologetic look and mouths, I’m sorry.
“We’re not helpless women,” I say, trying to make it sound like I’m joking, but I’m not. I don’t like that Tristan’s going. Not after what happened in the grocery store yesterday. In fact, I was hoping to get a little space tonight and clear my head, and I want to be mad at Lea for asking him to help us, but I can’t, because I understand where she’s coming from. Lea’s a lot like me when it comes to being rude to people and I’m sure the last thing she wanted to do was tell Tristan no when he said he wanted to tag along.
“I know you’re not helpless,” Tristan says, stopping in front of me as he slips his jacket on. “But I figured I could come watch you rock out for the night instead of hanging out here by myself.”
I liked it better when Tristan and Lea didn’t like each other. In the beginning Tristan would never have gone anywhere Lea was, because they clashed so badly. But now they’ve warmed up to each other.
“Unless for some reason you don’t want me to.” There’s a challenge in his blue eyes like he’s daring me to say it—that I’m afraid of being near him because we almost kissed.
I shake my head, pretending to be indifferent. “No, you can go.” I fake a smile, feeling like a jerk because of my feeling toward him. Or lack of feeling, anyway. Part of me wishes I could reciprocate but I can’t make myself feel that way, especially when my head’s stuck on someone else with honey-brown eyes and a sensitive heart, who had me so turned on yesterday when he was in the shower.
Tristan grins at me, zipping up his jacket. “Good, because I really want to see you play.”
I keep smiling as I exit the apartment and the two of them follow me. They start chatting about what songs we’re going to play and Lea starts listing them. They’re all covers, something she told me the other day when I tried to use the excuse that I wouldn’t know the songs they were playing, to get out of going. Turns out I knew all of them, so that didn’t work.
It’s okay, though. Things could be a hell of a lot worse, something I tell myself in order to keep moving as I walk out of the apartment.
It’s dark and breezy outside and I immediately wrap my arms around myself, shivering as the breeze hits me. “Jesus, wearing a skirt wasn’t a good idea,” I remark as I rush for my car.
I feel someone move up to my side, but I don’t turn my head because I know it’s Tristan as soon as I hear the lighter flick. “I think you look good,” he says with a wink.
“Thanks,” I say, rubbing my hands up and down my arms. “But I’m not sure it’s worth freezing to death.”
“I’ll keep you warm,” he jokes, smoke encircling his face.
I don’t know how to respond, so I just offer him a smile and head for the driver’s side of my car. After we get inside, Lea in front, thankfully, I back out of the parking spot and head for Jaxon’s garage. His parents said they’d be home when I called earlier and told them I needed to pick the drums up, but part of me is hoping that they won’t be. But the lights are on inside the house when we pull up and I can’t help but sigh, heavyheartedly.
“Don’t look so down,” Tristan leans forward and says in my ear as Lea gets out of the car. “Everything’s going to be fine.”