Perhaps the dog knew, too.
Dex turned his head to the side, his eyes darting at my face sheepishly. “You must think I’m an idiot.”
I smiled despite myself. “I’m an idiot too.”
“No,” he said with a sigh. “You’re not, Perry. You’re sweet, honest and a very good friend.”
Ah, the damn friend word again. The term made a flush bloom on my cheeks and was glad he took that moment to reach over for the box of cereal and pour more into his bowl.
I cleared my throat. “Well. I know what I would do but I’m not you and I can’t tell you what to do. Did you talk to her last night?” She had been asleep when we came in.
“Briefly,” he said shoveling cereal into his mouth. “She said she had been out with some girlfriends and that her phone had died.”
Likely story, I thought.
He eyed me. “Of course, my phone didn’t work either so I can’t exactly accuse her of lying. Not that I think she was. She may be a bitch, but she does care about me and I know she wouldn’t have just left me in a mental hospital basement, especially not alone with you.”
I spied his cup of coffee, picked it up and took a sip of it. It was lukewarm but it worked. “She really thinks something is going on between us, doesn’t she?”
He nodded grimly. “I guess if she’s been stepping out then it’s easy for her to imagine I’m guilty as well.”
I stared at him, dumbly. He was kind of guilty. Unless I imagined the whole tryst we had on the island, and I knew my imagination wasn’t that good.
He caught my eyes and looked away quickly. “Fine. I’m guilty too. Goddamn it, this whole situation is fucked.”
It certainly was.
We both exhaled in unison. We sat there in silence for a bit, both of us side-by-side in our pajamas, he eating mushy cereal and me drinking his coffee, both consumed by our thoughts. I couldn’t pretend that my motives for him dumping Jenn weren’t at least a bit selfish. With her out of the picture, it opened up a whole realm of possibilities. At least, I hoped it did. But even if Jenn weren’t an issue anymore…did he feel the same way I felt about him? I didn’t think so.
“You need to break up with her,” I suddenly blurted out.
He flinched. He placed his spoon down and shot me an inquisitive look. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“I know. But it’s not that easy,” he said carefully. I watched his eyes and understood what he meant. The apartment. The dog. Ending a long-term relationship. No, it definitely wasn’t going to be easy.
“I don’t…like change,” he added, adding weight to his words.
I could help with the transition, I thought. I wanted to put my arm around his bare shoulders and hold him, pull him close to me.
“And then what happens after that?” he continued.
“You’d be single,” I told him. My voice had automatically dropped in volume.
He pushed the bowl away from him and started chewing on his lip. Finally he looked at me and asked, “Would I be?”
That glowing cord of tension between us was suddenly visible and sparking again. My lungs felt heavy and the air around us felt static and alive. The hairs on my arms stood up and the area around my neck bite was pleasantly cool.
I shrugged carefully, wanting to break away from his intrusive eyes but I couldn’t. They held me in place.
“Could you see yourself with someone else?” I asked softly. There was so much ridiculous hope in the question, and I know he could see it on my face.
He turned in his chair by an inch, facing me. He looked tired, with faint bags under his eyes. But they were so feverish and sparkling, so intense and alive, that it lit up his face and made even his five o’ clock shadow look youthful.
“I could,” he said with conviction. “If she’d have me.”
My eyes widened at that. I couldn’t help it.
“But I can’t chance it,” he added quickly. “And I don’t think it would be a very smart choice. It would be too much of a risk and I’ve had too much of that in my life.”
And at that he abruptly got off the stool, taking the bowl of cereal and my half-drank coffee out of my hand, walking around the bar and placing them in the sink. He avoided my eyes.
I sat frozen in shock, my heart thudding loudly.
“I’m going to give Doctor Hasselback a call and see what the damage is,” he said casually, picking his cell phone up off the table. He walked past me and disappeared into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.
“What the hell?” I said quietly and to no one in particular. Fat Rabbit was sitting on the couch and he looked over. I could almost see him rolling his eyes at me.
He had been talking about me, right? I mean…shit, he was vague but it had to be me. I was a risk? How the hell was I risk? Didn’t he know how I felt?
No, you retard, I thought, cutting myself off. You just told him point blank that you were not in love with him. Now he is taking that as the truth.
Yup. The situation definitely was fucked and now I was partially to blame.
~~
After I had taken a shower and got ready for the day (blow-drying my hair extra straight just in case I wanted to wear it down for the Christmas party tonight), Dex came into the den with good news.
“Doctor Hasselback said we could still air everything,” he announced, walking across the room and sitting down at the computer. I was on the bed trying to re-stick the toe pads into the balls of my devil shoes.
“Oh yeah,” I said mildly. Since our conversation earlier, I was feeling a bit swirly about that still. The show didn’t seem to matter, though I knew in the long run it did.
He spun in the seat and gave me a funny look.