“I don’t think so. I mean it could be possible. We’ve done it a couple of times without protection, but I think we’re safe,” she says and a small part of me hopes she's wrong.
“Okay, so we be safe and we’ll see how we go,” I tell her, not sure how I feel about that.
“Well, if you stop coming in me, we would be safe.” She stands from my lap and takes our plates to the sink.
“Now, Holly. Don't be like that. You love it,” I tell her, not even caring my heart is leading me now.
“Sy, we need to stop. I'm certain we will be fine with the dates, but no more.”
“What if I don’t want to stop?” I ask, following her. She turns back, looking at me like I’ve lost my damn mind and maybe I have, but the thought of us trying for a baby doesn’t scare me like I thought it would.
“You have to. We can’t keep risking it.” She turns back to the sink. She’s saying that now, but all I can think about was the haunted look in her eyes when Kadence said she was pregnant.
I move in behind her. “What if I want to fill this belly again?” I ask, bringing my arms around her stomach. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to say and I don’t care. Her words of possibility have sparked a dormant fire I didn't know I had hidden.
“Well, that’s not going to happen,” she says, pushing my hands away. “Be serious, Sy. We are not ready for that.”
“Never been more serious about anything, baby. Knowing you had my child in here…fuck, knowing we created a life together and we could have been parents makes me realize just how much I do want our own little family,” I confess. She doesn’t say anything, just watches me carefully.
“Sy, I don’t know if I’m ready.” She turns to dry her hands and faces me again. “Our relationship has been a tumultuous road. I feel like whenever we get to our next destination, something else happens. Can’t we just get to the next step without faltering?” I know what she’s saying is true. I know we’ve had a hard time, but that small chance she’s carrying my baby is flashing at me like a neon sign and I can’t let it go even if I wanted to.
“It was never going to be easy, you and me. We were doomed from the start with what has happened in my past, but look at us here, now. Don’t push me away because it scares you,” I tell her, knowing what she’s doing and refusing to put up with it. “You love me. I love you.” I pull her to me, bringing her back to my front, my hands finding her flat stomach. “If we have a baby in here, I know you will be ready,” I tell her, confident she will be. She might be able to brush it off as not wanting to know, but for me, more than anything I want to find out if my seed is planted in her. My baby. My woman. Mine.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Holly
‘I know you will be ready.’
Sy’s words echo around my mind the next morning in bed as I try not to give away that I'm awake. Truth is, I've been awake for what feels like hours. Sy woke me earlier, with one of his nightmares again, only this time instead of Keira's name being called out, he was shouting Katie. I don't know what to make of him calling out for his ex-wife. When I first found out about Keira and Katie, Sy only talked about Keira. He refused to talk about Katie, only telling me that they are officially divorced. This new change in him has me concerned. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then I don't know how to help, or if I can help.
I feel him shift behind me, but I don’t move, still needing more time. I don’t know if I’m pretending like I did yesterday morning when I woke up in his arms after crying all night, or if this morning's act is a result of what Sy suggested over breakfast yesterday. Lying in his arms, reliving our conversation over and over in my head, I know he’s right. The thought of having a baby nestled back in my belly would be amazing. I just don’t know if I’m ready for it, ready to open myself up to that sort of vulnerability. I know I’ve ached for what we lost, for something I wasn’t sure I even wanted in the first place, but when I told Sy I wasn’t ready, I meant it.
“Are you awake?” His deep, thick voice breaks through my thoughts.
“Yeah,” I reply, giving up my act and turning over his way.
“How are you feeling?” He smiles down at me as I huddle in against his chest, my hand feeling the beat of his heart.
“Let’s not leave here,” I say, telling him how I feel in this moment. We both played hooky yesterday and decided to do the same today. We spent the day lost in our own world, away from everything around us, together trying to repair the broken pieces of what we had built. It’s what we have to do to move on from the lies of the past, what needs to be done to try to find our balance again.
“We have to go back out. You know this,” he says, lifting my chin and forcing me to look up at him. He holds my gaze and I know he can see through my panic.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing, nothing. Just the thought of leaving this apartment is daunting now.”
“You’ve been acting weird since we talked about the baby,” he says, calling me out. Shit.
“I just don't want to rush into anything. We’re still stumbling. Just please don’t put that pressure on me. On us,” I tell him, feeling in over my head. It's just all too much.
“There's no pressure, baby. Just let it be.” He pulls me closer to him. “It's you and me. Whatever happens, we do it together. You got that?” I nod in response, forcing myself to let it go. He's right. There’s no point worrying about it until we have to. I need to put it out of my mind.