“You have nothing to apologize for, Sy. I understand. Things were bad. Really bad, and I fucked up. I know that. I pushed everyone away in my suffering and for that I'm eternally sorry. What I did to you, to us…” She shakes her head. “I remember the day you rode off, leaving me standing over there.” She points to where my bike now sits. “I knew I lost you forever that day; even when I was desperately trying to push you away. I don’t know why you walking away from me made me realize how fucked-up I was, but it did. You should have hated me, but you still loved me even when I deserved your anger.”
“I wanted to hate you. All those years, fuck, it would have been easier, but I couldn’t because you gave me Kiera,” I admit.
“Then I took her away,” she whispers, looking up at me carefully.
“I never needed a piece of paper to tell me she was mine, Katie.”
“Are you ready to know who he is?” she asks, thinking it’s the reason why I’m here.
“No, I don’t want to know,” I assure her, hoping I never find out. “Keira will always be mine, even if she wasn’t biologically mine.”
“But we never talked about it. Do you know how hard that was? To have this between us? You never asked. You never showed anger. You just acted like nothing had happened.” She's right. I never wanted to talk about it. At the end of the day, we had bigger things to work through. My energy and focus was always Keira.
“I didn't want to believe it, Katie. I didn't want Keira to see it, and I didn't want it to determine my love for her. It didn't change anything for me. We raised her and that's all that mattered.”
“And that is why you’re a good man, Sy,” she says quietly.
“Not good enough to stay, to see you overcome everything. I hate myself for that. Hate that I left you when you were at your lowest,” I finally admit the guilt that’s had its hold on me the last couple of years.
“I’m glad you did, Sy. If you didn’t, I don’t know where I would be, or if I even would be?” She runs her hand along the grass I’ve laid on so many times in the last five years. “Someone had to walk away, and I’m glad it was you. I was self-destructing and no one was going to save me, except me. I had given up, and that’s the thing about giving up, you don’t realize until it’s too late. It took you leaving for me to see it. Any guilt you feel for that, let it go, because I did. I let go a long time ago and you should, too.” I don’t reply. I allow the truth of her words to speak for themselves. We sit in the entirety of the past, in the words that have hurt us and broken us, knowing we've come full circle.
“Do you think she’s happy?” I finally ask, looking up at the clear blue sky, a stark difference to the inky darkness I look up at when I normally visit.
“I know she is.” She answers with such conviction, I can’t argue. I have to believe it.
“I hope you found what you came for, Sylas. I’ll never let go of our family, and I know you won’t, but you need to move on, allow yourself to let go.” She stands and smiles down at me.
“I’m trying,” I answer, feeling lighter than I have in a long time. The guilt weighing so heavily on my heart slowly starts to deplete.
“Take care and be happy, Sy.” She breaks the moment of silence and walks away.
“I am,” I softly reply, knowing that now, I can let it all go.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Holly
“Yes, Sy,” I moan as my body spirals out of control.
“That’s it, baby. Take it. It's all yours. Milk my cock with that sweet cunt of yours,” he rumbles, driving me into complete ecstasy just like every other time he talks filthy to me. I let the feelings of bliss and excitement flow through me when his calloused fingers find my sweet spot.
“I wanna hear you, Holly.” His husky demand isn't lost on me. I know what he wants, what he always wants, and if I want what I know he can deliver, then I have to give it to him.
“Fuck me, Sy,” I shout as I hit the first peak at his command.
“Tell me how much you want my cum,” he rumbles as his strokes become more uncontrollable the longer this goes on.
“I want it, Sy,” I moan, giving him what he needs, what I need.
“Beg,” he urges, leaning down and hovering over my mouth. He knows he's got me right where he wants; on the edge of supreme ecstasy and I can't go back. I'm too close. He knows it and I know it. I need him to finish. I need him to take me home.
“Fucking give it to me, Holly,” he shouts, sending me into a tailspin.
“I need it. Yes, give it to me,” I scream, surrendering to him as his teeth sink into my bottom lip setting off a spectacular kaleidoscope of colors and emotions.
“Fuck!” he drags out as his orgasm takes over and he loses all of himself inside of me.
“Oh. My. God,” I breathe, coming down from yet another uninhibited and explosive orgasm.
“What did I tell you about God?” Sy asks, resting his sweaty forehead to mine.
“Oh. My. Sy,” I correct, still feeling his cock pulse in the aftermath of his release.
“Don't forget it,” he warns with a glint in his eye.
“Like you forgot we were trying to be safe?” I cock my brow at him. I might have just begged for it, but that was under duress. Sy smirks as he watches me like a cat that ate the canary. He knows what he's doing, and I've given up arguing with him about it. It may be stupid, but Sy has it set in his mind that we are making a baby whether I want to or not. Luckily, the idea doesn't freak me out as much as I thought it would. I know a part of me wants to reach out and try to fill the void left over losing our child, but I know deep down even if it was to be filled entirely with a new baby, it still would remain as something else. Something I wouldn’t want to lose because I wouldn’t ever want to relinquish the knowledge that we had suffered a loss which was part of us. I wouldn’t want to replace one child for another, but the thought of carrying again makes me feel like it could help stitch the hole in my heart that feels so empty.