She nodded slow. “I know.”
“And I just want us to be happy. Don’t you?”
She nodded slower. “Yeah.”
He bent down and kissed her lips, and I wanted to set him on fire. I wanted to watch him burn and scream out in pain from the way he used, belittled, and pretty much spit on her soul.
But I also wanted to shout at Ma, because she definitely kissed him back. When they pulled apart, she looked at him as if he was her God, when really he was just Satan in an expensive suit.
“Logan,” he said, as he walked toward the front door to leave. “If you ever need a real job, a real man’s job, I’m sure I can always get you in on the family business. This chump money you’re making isn’t going to get you anywhere.”
“Not interested.”
His sinister smirk attached to his lips at my reply. It was the same reply I gave him every time, but each time he smiled as if he knew a secret and was keeping me on the outside. When he left the apartment, I released the weighted sigh from my mouth.
“What’s the matter with you?!” Ma cried, charging at me, hitting me against the chest. I grabbed her tiny wrists in confusion. She kept yelling. “Are you trying to ruin everything for me?”
“I just stopped him from attacking you!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. He wasn’t really going to hurt me.”
“You’re delusional. He was hurting you.”
“Let me go,” she whined, trying to loosen my grip on her arms. I dropped her. Within a second, her hand swung up and slapped me—hard. “Don’t you ever interfere with my life again. You hear me?”
“Yeah,” I muttered.
She pointed a finger at my face, a stern look in her eyes. “Do. You. Hear. Me?!” she questioned again.
“Yeah!” I shouted. “I hear you.”
But I was lying straight to her face, because if I ever saw my father with his hands anywhere near her, I would stand up for her. I would fight for her. I would be her voice, even if it meant I lost my own. Because I knew it was because of him that her own sounds went mute. It was because of him that the fire within her had fizzled out.
Ma, come back to me.
When did I lose her? Would she forever be gone?
If I’d had a time machine, I’d go back and fix whatever mistake made her become the way she was. I’d direct her to go left instead of right. I’d beg for her to never smoke the pipe for the first time. I’d remind her that she was beautiful even if a man told her differently. I’d fix her heart that was so painfully damaged.
I headed to my bedroom and tried to erase the memories of my father, but whenever he came around, they all came back. All of my hatred, all of my anger, all of my pain. It all flooded back to my brain, filling my head up with so much noise that I needed to shut it up.
You’ll be dead by twenty-five.
My heart was panicking, my eye throbbing with pain, and I was seconds away from allowing the demons back in. They mocked me, they hurt me, they slowly poisoned my mind. I stared at my nightstand where my needle slept each night, feeling it whispering my name, asking me to feed the demons until they went away.
I wanted to win that night. I wanted to be strong, but I wasn’t. I’ve never been strong enough, and I never would be.
Just give in.
You’ll be dead by twenty-five.
I took a breath, my hands shaking. I took a breath, my heart breaking. I took a breath, and I did the only thing that I knew how to do.
I opened the drawer, seconds away from allowing the darkness inside, seconds away from fading from the light, but then, my phone dinged.
Alyssa: What are you doing?
Alyssa texted me exactly when I needed her to, even though I was offended that she waited until eleven at night to write me. The only person I heard from for my birthday was Kellan, who took me out to dinner. All Dad gave me was a black eye, and all Ma gave me was disappointment.
Alyssa was the one I was counting on, though. She was my best friend, and hadn’t said a word all day.
Me: Lying in bed.
Alyssa: Okay.
Ellipses.
Alyssa: Come downstairs.
Sitting up a little, I reread her messages. With haste, I tossed on my tennis shoes, a pair of sunglasses, my red hoodie, and hurried out of the apartment. Parked right in front of the building was Alyssa, smiling toward me. I glanced around the streets at people drinking and smoking.
God. I hate it when you come here. Especially at night.
I climbed into the passenger seat of her car, and locked the doors the moment I was inside. “What are you doing, Alyssa?”
“Why are you wearing sunglasses?” she asked.
“No reason.”
She reached across to me, and took them off.
“Oh Logan…” she whispered, slightly touching my bruised eye.
I snickered and recoiled. “You think that’s bad? You should see the other guy.”
She didn’t laugh. “Your dad?”
“Yeah. It’s fine though.”
“It’s not fine. I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. Is your mom okay?”
“She’s far from okay, but she’s okay.” I watched as Alyssa’s eyes began to water, but I quickly stopped her. “Everything’s okay. I promise. Let’s just go to wherever we are going to so I can forget for a while.”
“Okay.”
“And Alyssa?”
“Yes, Logan?”
My fingers wiped her tears away, and I allowed my touch to linger against her cheeks. “Smile.”
She gave me a huge, cheesy, fake smile. It was good enough for me.
She put the car in drive, and kept driving for a long, long time. We didn’t talk the whole way, and I wasn’t sure what exactly she was up to. When the car pulled over to the side of an abandoned road, my confusion grew.
“Seriously. What are we doing?”
“Come on,” she said, hurrying out of the car, and running down the road. This girl was going to be the death of me—and by death I meant life. Because of her coming into my life, I somehow found freedom from my life’s restraints each day.
I followed after her, because whenever she moved, I wondered where she was going.
She stood in front of a ladder leading up to a billboard. “Tada!” she screamed, dancing with excitement.
“Umm?”
“It’s your birthday present, silly!”