“Please, Dad! I’m sorry!” I cried. “Don’t leave me.”
I’m sorry.
He wasn’t listening though, and after a while I didn’t even hear his footsteps.
I didn’t know how much time had passed since I was locked inside of the cabinet, but I fell asleep twice, and pissed myself. When Mom found me, she looked strung out and shook her head, seeming so disappointed in me.
“Oh, Logan.” She sighed, and ran her hands through her hair. She lit up a cigarette. “What did you do this time?”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Alyssa
“Do you have any idea how much you’re confusing me, Logan?” I asked, my arms crossed as he stood on my porch in a black T-shirt with dark jeans. I was chilled by the cool breeze that hit me, seeing how I was only wearing an oversized T-shirt and knee-high socks. His back was turned to me as he moved over to the edge of the porch and wrapped his fingers around the railing. He stared out into the darkness. His arms were muscular and I could see every cut to him as he held onto the wooden rail. When we were younger, he was handsome, but not built. Now, he looked somewhat like a Greek god who made my legs tingle just by looking at him.
“I know. I just… I don’t know where to go.”
He turned to face me, and I gasped, seeing his blackened eye. With haste, I hurried over to him, lightly touching it, watching him cringe. “Your dad?”
He nodded. “If I go back to Kellan’s like this, he’ll freak out.”
Oh, Lo…
“Are you okay? Is your mom okay?” I asked, and I paused. It was as if we traveled back in time, reliving the same routines we used to perform. I wished this wasn’t one of the more common memories.
“She’s not okay. But she’s okay.”
Déjà vu.
“Come inside,” I said, taking his hand in mine.
He shook his head, pulling his hold away from mine. “You asked me something the last time we spoke, and I didn’t reply.”
“What?”
“You asked me if I think about the baby.” His fingers rubbed the back of his neck. “I think about how at the end of the summer, he or she would’ve been starting kindergarten. I think about how maybe he’d have your laugh, and your eyes. I think about how she’d probably chew on her collar and hiccup when she was nervous. I’d think about how his heart would beat. How she’d love you. How he’d walk, talk, smile, frown. I think about it. More than I want to. And then…” He cleared his throat. “Then I think about you.
“I think about your smile. About how when you’re nervous you chew on your shirt collars, and when you’re shy you do the same thing. I think about how when you’re angry, you hiccup three times, and that every time your mom puts you down, it still stings. I think about where your mind is at night when it storms, and if you ever, for a second, still think about me.”
“Lo.” I sighed. “Come inside.”
“Don’t invite me in,” he muttered under his breath.
“What?”
“I said, don’t invite me in.”
“You don’t want to talk?”
“No.” He locked eyes with me. “No. I don’t want to talk. I want to forget. I want to make my mind stop remembering all of the bullshit. I want to… High…” He lost his breath, and his words faltered. The tremble in his voice would’ve been missed by someone who didn’t know Logan. But I heard it, I knew him, and his mind was traveling to those dark places again. He stepped in closer, and I stood still. I wanted him closer. I missed him being so close. His hand fell against my cheek and I closed my eyes at his gentle touch. “I want to talk to you, but I can’t. Because then we’ll be back to where we were all those years ago, and I can’t go back to that, Alyssa. I can’t fall back in love with you. I can’t hurt you again.”
My heart skipped. “Is that why you’ve been so mean to me?” He nodded slowly. “Logan. We can just be friends. We don’t have to be in a relationship. Just come inside, and we can talk.”
“I can’t be your friend. I don’t want to talk to you, because when I talk, I hurt. And I don’t want to hurt anymore. But… I can’t stay away from you. I’m trying to, but I can’t. I want you, High.” His words sent chills down my spine, and fogged my mind. “I want to run my hands through your hair,” he whispered, taking his fingers and combing my curls behind my ear. “I want to run my tongue across your neck. I want to feel you.” His hand ran against my cheek. “I want to taste you,” His mouth slowly licked the curve of my neck. “I want to suck you.” His lips engulfed my earlobe, sucking it gently. “I want to…Fuck…” He sighed, pulling me closer. “I want you, Alyssa. I want you so much. I want you so hard and deep that my mind can’t think of anything else. So please, to avoid any more confusion between us,” he hissed against my earlobe, before sucking it lightly. “Don’t invite me in.”
My heart was racing, and I took a few steps backwards until I was pressed up against the wall of my house. He grew closer, his arms boxing me in. His eyes dilated as they locked with mine, filled with need, want, hope…? Or maybe it was my own hope, which I’d prayed still existed within his stare. My thighs quivered, my mind a jumbled mess. A part of me wondered if I were dreaming, while a bigger part of me didn’t care. I wanted this dream. I missed this dream. I longed for this dream over the past five years. I wanted to feel his body pressed against mine. I wanted to feel how much he missed me. I wanted to lean in closer and kiss him.
I wanted to feel him…
Taste him…
Suck him…
Lo…
“Logan,” I murmured, unable to take my stare away from his lips, which were almost touching mine. Logan moved that gorgeous body closer to me, lifting my chin so we stared straight into one another’s eyes. His lips reminded me of the summer when kissing was all we’d do. Reminding me of the first boy I’d ever loved and the first and only boy who managed to break my heart. “You’re sad tonight.” My head tilted to the left and I studied every part of him. His hair, his mouth, his jawline, his soul. The dark shadows that were always in the depths of his eyes. His breaths were heavy, unsteady like mine.