I knocked on the drug dealers' front door.
I listened with a small grin to the frantic sounds of weed and crack being hidden in everything from toilets to cookie jars, to no doubt deep inside boxers and briefs. I heard a chair fall over. I heard someone curse under his breath. I heard the sounds of shushing and the running of footsteps.
I was tempted to yell, "Police" and really listen to the fireworks within. I might even hear a window crash as one of them makes a run for it.
Instead, I waited, rocking gently back and forth, hands behind my back, just a five foot, three-inch mother of two confronting your neighborhood drug dealers.
My alarm system was jangling, but I mostly ignored it. I knew, after all, what I was walking into.
Finally, I heard footsteps cautiously approach the door.
An acne-covered Caucasian face peered at me through the door's dirty curtain. The face frowned, and then looked almost comically left and right before he partially opened the door.
"Excuse me," I said. "But my car broke down and I was wondering if I could borrow your phone?"
"My phone? Yo, fuck off, bitch. This ain't no Triple Fucking A." And he promptly slammed the door in my face.
Or tried to.
I stuck out my hand, and the door rebounded off it so hard that it slammed back into the drug dealer's face. I followed the swinging door in, pushing harder. The young punk reached for his nose and for something under his shirt. And since I didn't feel like getting shot tonight, I caught his hand in mid-reach, twisted until he dropped to both knees, and grabbed what he'd been reaching for under his shirt.
I came away with a Smith & Wesson revolver.
I swung the gun around and pointed it at the others, who were all reaching inside their own pants. Apparently, this was the official greeting of drug dealers everywhere.
"Hello, boys," I said. "Hands where I can see them."
"Fuck this shit," said a tall black kid who couldn't have been more than eighteen. He pulled up his shirt, revealing the gleaming walnut handle of an expensive revolver, and before his hand got very far beyond that, I fired the weapon. A bullet hole appeared in the kitchen linoleum next to his foot, perhaps just inches away.
He jumped maybe three feet, screaming like a girl. "Holy sweet Jesus! The bitch is crazy!"
I held the gun steady on the trio who were standing around the kitchen table. All three were in their late teens or early twenties. Hardly drug lords.
I said, "Next one who calls me a bitch gets a bullet in their big toe. Got it?"
No one moved or said anything. The guy next to me whimpered a little, and I realized I was still twisting his arm. I let him go and threw him a little at the same time. He skidded across the kitchen floor. Okay, I might have thrown him a lot.
I next had them drop their guns and kick them over to me. Once done, I gathered the weapons and emptied them of their bullets. I dropped the bullets in one of my jacket pockets. Next, I had the four hoodlums sit around the kitchen table like good little boys.
Or bad boys.
They didn't like a woman telling them what to do. Myself, I was getting a kick out of it. When they were all seated and staring at me sullenly, I hopped up on a stool and held the gun casually in front of me. I couldn't help but notice my feet not only didn't reach the floor, they didn't even reach the first rung of the stool. Still, I swung them happily and looked at my four new friends.
"Well," I said, "here we all are."
The oldest of the four, a Hispanic guy with a tattoo on his neck, leaned forward on his elbows. "Fuck you, bi - " But he stopped himself.
"Nice catch," I said. "You just saved yourself a big toe. Merry Christmas from me."
It was all the guy could do to stay seated. I sensed he wanted to rush me. In fact, I was sure of it. Every now and then, he caught the eye of the black guy across from him. Something passed between them. I didn't care what passed between them.
For now, though, he needed more information, like who the hell I was, and so he stayed seated. For now.
"You ain't no cop," he said.
"Nope."
"You with the feds?"
"Used to be."
"Then what the hell are you?"
"That's the million-dollar question."
They all looked at each other. Two of them shrugged. From the living room, I heard the Jeopardy theme song. I was willing to bet that drug dealers the world over had Jeopardy playing in the background. Nothing so innocent as four hoodlums watching Jeopardy together.
The Caucasian kid who had greeted me at the door had yet to look me in the eye. He stared down at the table. His wrist was raw and red where I had subdued him. He knew the potential of my strength, and kept his eyes off me and his mouth shut. The fourth guy was another black youth, maybe twenty. He had yet to speak, although he found all of this highly amusing. I sensed he was high as a kite. If I was high as a kite, I would find all this amusing, too. I focused on the Hispanic leader and the talkative black guy.
I said, "Somebody stole something that belonged to me, and I want it back." Technically, that was true, since half of whatever was in the safe was now mine.
"We lovers," said the talkative black guy. "Not thieves."
The high-as-a-kite black guy laughed. The Hispanic guy frowned. The sullen white guy kept being sullen.
"Cut the shit," I said. "I know there's drugs here." I pointed to a Pillsbury Doughboy cookie jar with a crack running up along its doughy body. "I know there're drugs in that cookie jar over there. I know there're drugs in the toilet bowl, and I know there're drugs down all your pants."
The high-as-a-kite black guy giggled nearly uncontrollably. The Hispanic leader sat forward. The energy around him crackled and spat. He said, "What the fuck do you want, lady?"
"I want the safe," I said.
"What safe?"
As I said those words, I watched the others in the room. The talkative black guy blinked. The high black guy continued grinning from ear to ear. The sullen white guy sank a little deeper in his chair. Just a little. Perhaps only a fraction. Not to mention his darkish aura grew darker still.
I had my man.
It was at that moment that I saw the old man in the far corner of the living room. Correction, two old men, as another just materialized. And they weren't exactly men.
They were ghosts.