Chapter 19
“Start at the beginning, Ash, and tell me everything.”
There was no way I’d tell him everything. I stared out at the road as Beau’s truck drove away. The silence was deafening as Sawyer waited for me to speak.
“This summer, Beau and I rekindled our friendship. We were close once, Sawyer, you know that.” I paused and took a deep breath. “He understands me. He knows when I’m full of bull crap and he knows I’m not perfect even though I try really hard to be. With Beau I can let myself go and not worry about losing his friendship.”
“So, this is a friends thing? Because the way he was caressing your mouth and eating you up with his eyes I find that a little hard to believe.”
“All it can ever be with Beau is friendship. He knows that. Beau is affectionate. He touches a lot of girls’ lips.”
Sawyer raised his eyebrows as if he thought what I was saying was ludicrous.
“I don’t know if we’re talking about the same guy but Beau, my cousin Beau, doesn’t longingly gaze at anyone the way I just caught him staring at you. You’re too naive to see it but trust me, baby, he wants you and I’m going to kick his ass.”
Okay, that wasn’t what I’d been aiming for. Blame on me not Beau. I needed to redirect this anger of his.
“You misunderstood what you saw. He was trying to talk me out of what I’d decided to do today. He believes you and I are supposed to be forever. I don’t think so. We’re young and I need space. I’m not ready to talk about marrying you one day. That scares me. There is so much life out there to live first. Beau thinks I’m making a mistake because he thinks you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. What you saw was your cousin trying to persuade me not to break up with you.”
The look of disbelief and shock that came over Sawyer’s face was a little insulting. Why was it so hard for him to believe I’d break up with him?
“You, you’re . . . breaking up with me?” He shook his head and stepped back away from me. His face had gone pale as if I’d just told him he’d never play football again. This wasn’t the end of the world.
“I pretend with you, Sawyer. I’m not the good girl you think I am. You love this fake Ashton. I’ve been striving to be worthy of you for so long and I’m exhausted. I don’t like returning the stupid buggies to the return place in the parking lot and I don’t like feeling as if I have to be good Samaritan to everyone I come across. Sometimes I just want to run off and worry about ME. I’m selfish and ornery and just a big ol’ fake. This girl you love and want to marry doesn’t exist.”
It was as if a weight had just been lifted off my shoulders. The air rushed into my lungs and for the first time in three years I took a deep breath.
“That’s crazy,” Sawyer said, shaking his head. I was so close to freedom now I could taste it. Standing here and listening to him try to convince me I didn’t know what I was talking about annoyed me. But I could control this now. The real Ashton had a backbone.
“No, it’s the truth. I want to go parking and make out so heavy my bra gets lost under the seat of the car. I want to flip Nicole a bird when she glares at me in the hallways at school. And I want to wear my red bikini and enjoy the fact guys are checking me out. I’m not who you think I am. I never was and I never will be.”
I closed the space between us and stood on my tippy toes and placed a quick peck on his cheek. The familiar smell of his cologne caused my chest to tighten with emotion. I’d miss him but not enough to be someone else to have him. He saw me differently now. I could see it in his expression. The emotion churning in his blue eyes as he finally saw me for who I really am was bittersweet. I spun around and jogged out to my Jetta. Without another glance back I drove off. For the first time ever I left church before it was over.
Leann was sitting on the front steps of the three-story ancient brick dormitory she’d been placed in this year when I pulled into the parking lot. From here I could see her nibbling on her right thumb nail. Leann only mauled her thumb nail when she was nervous. I’d been vague on my reason for coming when I’d called once I decided where I was going to go. I swooped into an empty parking spot. Telling someone everything had become essential on my drive up here. I needed to get this off my chest. A tap on my window startled me and I glanced over to see Leann still nibbling her thumb nail with a frown puckering her brow. Forcing a smile I opened the door and she stepped back so I could get out.
“I swear I think I grew grey hair waiting on you to get here,” she said, reaching for my arm and pulling me into a hug. “I can’t believe you’re here and I can’t believe you left church early without telling anyone where you were going.”
I pulled back and met her gaze. “I didn’t tell you that.”