I was seriously considering running out of the room. This woman was scary as hell.
“Don’t talk to me with such little respect,” she said in a warning tone.
“Don’t provoke me,” he replied, taking the seat to my left and placing himself between me and her.
She set her cup down and fixed her now angry glare on me. “Could she not dress more appropriately?”
Jason’s hand was immediately on my leg, holding it firmly. “She wasn’t aware that she needed to bring clothing for eating breakfast with my mother. I didn’t know you were coming.”
“Johanna called me when she went to your apartment and you told her you were headed to Sea Breeze for the weekend. She wondered if it was a family gathering.”
We were back to Johanna again. I hadn’t realized she also went to Harvard. The sick knot in my stomach was back. My victory was short-lived.
“Johanna needs to mind her own business,” Jason replied.
“She was concerned because you were supposed to be at a special study group tomorrow that she said was mandatory.”
Jason’s grip on my thigh was the only thing giving away his mounting frustration. “It isn’t mandatory. She knows that,” he replied.
“Does she know that you have a . . . a thing with this girl?”
I winced at her tone and didn’t even attempt to acknowledge the food in front of me.
“Does she know I have a girlfriend? No. But she will as soon as I see her again. I wasn’t aware she and I were close enough to discuss my life outside of school.”
His mother cocked one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows. “Please tell me that comment was for your girlfriend’s benefit, because I’m the one who caught you and Johanna having sex last spring while we were vacationing in the Hamptons on your break.”
He’d had sex with Johanna. I was done. I couldn’t sit through any more of this. I was afraid of what else his mother would enlighten me about. I started to stand up, but Jason’s hand held me down.
“That’s enough, Mother. You managed to push me to my limit. You’ve not only made Jess feel unwelcome and uncomfortable, you’ve upset her. I don’t like her upset. Thank you for changing my mind. I won’t be attending the cotillion with Johanna. I’ll let her know today so she can find a replacement. Maybe you can help her with that.” Jason stood up and held his hand out to me. “Let’s go,” he said, fixing his gaze on me.
“You aren’t leaving. We aren’t done here,” his mother snapped, and I jumped up, grabbing his hand tightly.
“Yes, we are,” he replied, then turned and walked us out of the dining room and directly toward the front door.
“Bring the car around. We’re ready to leave,” Jason spoke into his phone, then slid it back into his pocket. He opened the front door and stepped back, letting me walk outside.
The limo I was accustomed to seeing pulled in front of the house, and Jason’s hand was on my back, leading me toward it. The driver had barely had time to park when Jason was opening the door himself and motioning for me to get inside.
After he crawled in, he looked toward the opening between the driver and us. “Just drive until I tell you otherwise,” he said, then pressed a button that raised the divider.
I was afraid to let him talk first. I didn’t know if the anger rolling off him was because of me or his mother or both. “You don’t have to cancel with Johanna,” I said, surprising myself. Especially after I now knew he had slept with her. That changed everything for me.
“No,” he said, picking me up and putting me in his lap. I straddled him and placed my hands on his chest, unsure of what he had planned for this position. I wasn’t feeling very affectionate at the moment. “Jo has turned into one of them. Just like my mother and hers. I have no desire to do anything for her.”
“But you wanted to,” I reminded him.
He put his hands on my thighs and stared up at me. “I promised her last spring I’d take her,” he said, as if that explained it. Must have been during the sex they were having. “Canceling on her now was mean. I didn’t want to leave her without an escort. But now I don’t give a shit.”
“Because she called your mom,” I said, trying to figure out what exactly had made him mad.
Jason laid his head back on the seat and closed his eyes. “No. That just gave me an excuse. I’m glad she gave me a reason, because I was going to cancel on her before we walked into that dining room.” He lifted his head back up and looked at me. “I wasn’t letting you go anywhere with Dewayne or anyone else. The thought of you dressed sexy, drinking and dancing on the beach where anyone could see you and think you were available, was more than I could handle. I’m taking you to that damn festival. Me. They all need to know you’re taken.”
Oh. My heart did that flutter thing again, and my hands on his chest turned into fists to keep from pawing at him in appreciation. It had taken me fighting back, but he had put me first in the end. That was almost as good as being picked first. It would have been better if he’d chosen my wishes over hers without my having to threaten him with another guy.
The fluttering stopped. When I realized how I had won this battle, it took away all the joy. He had originally chosen her. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her, but he’d been okay hurting me.
“I won’t go with Dewayne. Take her to the cotillion. It’s what you originally wanted to do. I played dirty, and I shouldn’t have,” I said, shifting to move off his lap. I needed some space.
Jason grabbed my waist and held me there. “It’s not what I wanted to do,” he said. “It’s what was right. She didn’t deserve to be ditched at the last minute.”
He still didn’t get it. I nodded. “Take her. You don’t want to hurt her.”
I could feel him studying me, but I wouldn’t look at him. I just wanted to go home and lock myself in my room. I could cry then and no one would see me. “I don’t like hurting people in general,” he said slowly, as if he was trying to figure out the meaning behind my words.
“I know. You’re a better person than I am. Actually, than most people I know. You’re thoughtful and kind. It’s one of the things that I find so insanely attractive about you.”
Jason moved his thumbs so that they brushed my stomach in a gentle caress. “Then why won’t you look at me?” he asked.
Because you didn’t choose me first. Those words sounded shallow, yet they kept repeating in my head. I wish it wasn’t important to me. I wish my self-esteem was better and that kind of thing wasn’t a weakness of mine.
“This morning has been intense, and I just want to go back to sleep,” I told him, forcing myself to look at him so he wouldn’t push that issue.
Jason reached up and took my chin between his thumb and forefinger so I couldn’t look away. “You aren’t telling me something.” He sounded frustrated.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll be okay. Just give me some time to deal with my own insecurities. I’m working on them,” I explained, trying to sound flippant.
“I never want to make you feel insecure. If I have to dedicate my life to making sure you know where you stand with me, I will. So don’t give me that shit. If you have something to deal with, tell me. I’ll fix it.”
He couldn’t fix this. He didn’t realize that it had already been done. His immediate impulse was to protect Johanna. Not me.
I wondered if he had loved her. If he had ever told her he loved her. I loved him, but he hadn’t told me he loved me. Maybe that was it. He didn’t love me but he had loved her. She had that hold on him. I started to move again, wanting to get away from him, but he continued to hold me still.
“Talk to me, Jess. Please,” he begged.
“You had to choose, and you chose her. When pressed for an answer, you chose her feelings over mine. Nothing that happened after that matters. Because it was after I manipulated you.” I stopped and looked out the window because I couldn’t stand looking at him while I admitted this. “I wanted to be your fist choice, so I forced you to pick me. It was wrong. I don’t want you to put me first because I use your jealousy against you. I want you to think of me first because it’s the way you feel. I’m tired of trying to be someone’s first choice. I’ve done that, and I’m exhausted. I won’t do it anymore. I just won’t.” Jason’s grip on me loosened, and I used that opportunity to get off his lap and put some space between us. I didn’t look back at him, and I didn’t say anything else.
He had wanted me to talk, and now that I had he had nothing to say. I wished I could reach the button so I could let the driver know to take me home. I wanted out of this car. I wanted to run until I couldn’t run anymore.
“I didn’t realize it hurt you. You acted like it wasn’t a big deal,” he said in a pained voice.
“Really? That’s what you’re going with?” I asked angrily. “If I were to go to a dance with a guy friend because I had promised him I would and you knew his hands would be touching me while we danced, just how would you feel? Would you be okay with that?”
He didn’t reply. I knew he couldn’t honestly tell me he would be fine with it. When I had thrown it back in his face, he had cracked. So how could he say that he didn’t think it would bother me?
“You’re right. I didn’t think,” he said. “My first thought should have been to protect you and your feelings. I’m so sorry, Jess. I’m not good at this. I don’t do relationships, and I obviously suck at it.” He sounded so defeated.
I couldn’t stay mad at him. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t love me. He cared, and that was all I would ever get from him. I knew that already. I was expecting him to react the way a man in love would. He couldn’t.
“It’s okay,” I said, turning to look at him. “I was expecting too much. I’m sorry.”
Jason’s frown only deepened. “Don’t apologize. This is all me. You deserve better than the way I treated you this morning. But if there is any way you can forgive me, I swear I’ll be better. I’ll figure this relationship thing out and get it right.”
He was willing to try, which counted for something. He still didn’t get that his first instinct should have been to choose me. But then, he wasn’t in love, so that wouldn’t be what he first thought of. I wasn’t looking for someone who would put me first, I was looking for someone to love me.
The realization was sad and pathetic. I had let this thing with Jason mean too much. I didn’t want to lose what little time I had with him until a Johanna came into his life and he fell head over heels in love with her and I was forgotten.
“Okay,” I said, fighting back the emotions that the thought of losing him stirred up.
“Okay?” he repeated. “I’m forgiven, okay? Or you’ll think about it, okay?” he asked.
